Temper tantrums-how did they make YOU feel?

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   frugalfamilyposted 12 years ago

   I'm trying to do real research here.  I'd really like to know how you as a parent felt when your child threw their biggest public temper tantrum.  Were you embarrassed?  Bewildered?  Angry?  The more info you can give me the better. 
   
   I

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      angela pposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I would say that I had all of those feelings.  I was embarrassed that they were acting that way in front in public.  I was angry because I felt like I had taught them better than that.  I felt like they were doing it on purpose knowing I would give in so they would be quiet.  I can usually see it coming now (4 children).  It usually starts with them wanting something and me saying no.  Then they begin the crying and then the breakdown.  I try to talk them through it and distract them.  Can be difficult for the 3 and 4 year old.   I would say of all the emotions I was more angry.  We usually talk about how to act in the store and I feel like they understand then they still throw a temper tantrum.  Makes me angry.  Hope that helps some...

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         frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Yes, it does! Thanks! Two more questions for you, have you ever given in once they start whining?  When you talk them through it, what do you say and what kind of response do you get?  Thanks so much for your help!

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      Sue B.posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      That would certainly make a good hub!
      I would say I definitely feel embarrassed when my son is having a temper tantrum.   I start to feel as though I may be doing something wrong as a parent and I do not want others to judge me. 
      If I get over myself and realize it is part of development, I may have to hide some giggling-- if you take a step back temper tantrums are actually funny!
      The best way for me to handle temper tantrums is realize time is an important element-- I may need to be patient and allow the tantrum to work itself out then attempt to deal with what was producing the temper tantrum to begin with.  That, of course, is easier said than done.  Patience is a virtue!

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      LoriSoardposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I was amused, because I knew from the way my mom raised me how to handle it and that it wouldn't happen more than once or twice. This allowed me to be calm and handle the situation without feeling overly embarrassed.
      
      Quite simply, I didn't just sit in the store and subject everyone else in the world to my child's screaming fit. I didn't reward it in any way. I took my child immediately and and left. You're welcome that you didn't have to hear her screaming. I know you appreciate it. Yes, if you have a cart full of groceries, you hand it to the nearest worker, apologize for your child's behavior and keep heading for the door. Even if you don't want to do all that shopping again, you still leave.
      
      My oldest tried it once and my youngest twice. When they realized that not only would I leave and they would have consequences (usually was the loss of a favorite toy or privilege), but that they would have to LEAVE and not get a candy bar, toy, art item or whatever they wanted that day and that I would not go back, they never tried it again.
      
      I also didn't put up with whining. If my children whined at me (they are teens now, so don't try this much anymore), I simply told them that I couldn't understand them  when they whined and would hear them out when they could speak without whining. It seemed to work. Now, if I could only figure out how to get them to stop fighting with each other...

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         frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Yes,  people looked at me funny when I told my 18 month old to changer her tone.  It always worked to stop the whining.  Amused was a feeling I didn't anticipate hearing about. Thanks for sharing:)

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   recommend1posted 12 years ago

   2 kids and no temper tantrum ever - guess we didn't either spoil or restrict them too much  huh ??

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      frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'd be super interested in your secret! One I'd believe, but two?You are doing something right..unless they are twins under 2!

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      Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Three kids and no tantrums (although there was a brief time when my three-year-old would cry pretty hard if I announced too unexpectedly that we'd be leaving the park - but I learned not to announced unexpectedly, so that was a short-lived thing too  It wasn't a tantrum, though - just crying).   There were two of those episodes before I figured out how to prevent them.    (She'd be having such a great time playing on the equipment, it was a shock to her when I'd say "We have to leave."  In that situation I'd just start preparing her for the fact that we'd be leaving.  I gave her a plan, and each time to we'd move on to the next step, I'd remind of yet the next one.  So she'd know that after the swings would come the slide.  Once we got to the slide she'd know that after the slide was something else.  With each move from one thing to another I'd say, "After this we'll go to the ______, and after that we'll _______  - and then we'll go home and get some lunch." )
      
      I take credit for the no-tantrums thing too (  ), because it was not accidental that there weren't any tantrums.  I knew how to head them off by not surprising people who are two (or thereabouts) with whatever changes were about to happen, not setting up circumstances that would invite a tantrum, and picking battles wisely.
      
      Tantrums come because little kids aren't emotionally equipped to deal with some of the frustrations of being around two, but I think they also come because no matter how old we are, there's a kind of "frustration saturation point" that anyone of any age can reach (especially if they have a low tolerance for frustration, but then sometimes a low tolerance for frustration comes from having too much frustration on a regular basis).  Adults with good self-control can keep their composure and aren't as likely to have frustrations mount up to the extent that they do for a two-year-old. 
      
      An easy example of preventing one class tantrum:  Don't stand in line at the check-out with a two-year-old right next to that famous candy rack that's so often there.  Until you can push your shopping cart quickly by the candy, so your two-year-old won't be looking at it for more than a split second; hang back.  If you have to, tell the person behind you why you're hanging back "for a minute".  Also, give your child something you know will keep him entertained enough that he won't have nothing else to do but be focused on what's around him in the store.  He can learn about how shopping works and learn what's what in the store when he's three and a half and better able to understand words about what you can/will buy or not buy and why.
      
      The point is, you can believe it.  I know other people who have their kids didn't have tantrums either.

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         recommend1posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         In my case it was my ex-wife who had the temper and tears tantrums, the kids understood it was all embarassing play-acting before they were 2

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         frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         You certainly set your child up for success, but sometimes life changes like a move, the loss of a grandparent or parent and a myriad of other situations will create a sense of frustration for children that comes out at the most interesting and inconvenient times. No two children are the same and no parent should judge another.

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   Stevennix2001posted 12 years ago

   here's an excellent hub that might help:
   
   http://thehug5.hubpages.com/hub/Parents … Their-Kids

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      frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for listing the hub. It certainly answers the question "How do feel when you witness a tantrum."..I'm saving that question for later.  Do you agree with the hub you listed?

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         Stevennix2001posted 12 years agoin reply to this

         To an extent yes.  however, i don't know if you read my comment on the hub, but I think the problem with society as a whole is that most parents can literally be scrutinized for almost anything that it's hard to say what's an acceptable form of discipline.

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   angela pposted 12 years ago

   I don't give in.  I will leave the store immediately and leave my cart sitting there if they do not cooperate.  I have only had to do that once.  I remind them of our conversation of behaving in the store and also remind them that good behavior gets them treats.. not bad behavior.  They usually get it together and cooperate.  I am very careful about what times I take them to the store if I take them at all.  Not when they are tired and grumpy.  Or hungry.  I try to avoid drama if at all possible.  They have gotten really good at understanding when I get serious with them in public and know if they do not get it together that they will either lose the priviledge of going with me next time or lose a favorite toy for awhile.  It is hard but I try to stick to what I say and follow through.

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      frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks! It sounds to me like you got the "mother look" down:)

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   angela pposted 12 years ago

   I am not so sure about that.  I do the best I can to teach them things and it is difficult.  I have some head strong children.

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   Dawn Conklinposted 12 years ago

   I would say more angry then anything.  I can see how people get embarrassed but I typically do not embarrass easily and I also know that when your kids throw a temper tantrum in the store, people are trying not to pay attention.  Many people know what it is like and if they have kids, they have been there.  We need to remember this to keep from being embarrassed.
   I don't spoil my kids so it is not often that they throw a total fit over me saying no but it has happened.  I don't give in and will yell at them in public if it is a big tantrum.  Not off the wall yell but just to let them know that yes I too will voice what is going on here and I am not afraid to yell at them in public.  This stopped some of the tantrums quickly.  On average my kids behave well out in public, but they have had a couple big ones in the past.

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      frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks so much for commenting..I really appreciate your input.

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   Anne Pettitposted 12 years ago

   If observers are parents, they have most likely been in the same situation, and there is sympathy and understanding.  If possible, a screaming child should be removed from the scene so there is no property damage, or injury.  Never give the child what he/she wants and is having the tantrum for.  You must never reward a tantrum.

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      mom101posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      When my son and I went shopping, I let him be a grown up. He knew we were shopping for things that our family needed. He helped me shop for the things we needed and that he was the only one to place the last item in the buggy. After walking all over the store I can guarantee you that little fellow was doin his own shopping in a way. It didn't take him long at all to place that last item in the buggy.
      
      i used this to help teach him letters and numbers.
      
      I have to say I was  a lucky mom in that he didn't ever pitch one of those tantrums I see.  BUT now, he is 18, and it may be starting. lol.
      
      
      As far as witnessing a tantrum, and how it makes me feel. Awful. Angry. Disturbed.

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         frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         What a great way to keep your child engaged. I think that is half of the battle...even grown ups hate waiting for things..but when he is "shopping" too, he's actively involved.

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            mom101posted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Yep, and the look in his little big brown eyes are forever etched in mine.
            
            I had him one day in Oct and the next day he is 18. And talking girlfriend. Lawd have mercy and help me. lol

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      Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      When I see someone's little one having a tantrum, I think nothing about it other than, maybe, feeling a little sympathy for the parent.  What does bother me, though, is when parents are scolding the child or treating them without any understanding that the child is upset (not naughty).  Parents don't have to encourage a tantrum, but they need to understand that the child is upset because he's two (or three or one) and doesn't have a way of coping with that upset.
      
      I'll admit that if an older kid does a tantrum I tend to assume the parent lost control back when the child was two or three.  I don't spin my wheels over someone else's problem, but that thought does occur to me (especially if the parent then seems to be handling the situation poorly). 

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         Dawn Conklinposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         My kids didn't really throw tantrums at 2 or 3-not in public anyway.  They were a little older and the couple they threw was because I said no they couldn't have something.  They knew better and I think they thought that by throwing a fit and drawing attention to the situation that I would get embarrassed and back down to quiet them.  I will yell at them in public but not out of control just a stern response to the situation.  They are a little older tho so they know that no is no and there is no reason to throw a fit or get out of control.  It is rare for them to act out in public tho, they are very well behaved (and they were when they were younger too) compared to some I have seen out in the stores. 
         I have to agree with you tho, I believe it has a lot to do with the way parents handle situations.  Too many parents get frustrated and want to keep them from yelling, they end up giving in and buy them something.  I would never let them get anything from a store if they acted out-they learn pretty quick

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         frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks for sharing your feelings honestly.

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   ALURposted 12 years ago

   Wow, where to begin? I think initially, I felt like a failure. I used to judge those parents that allowed those tantrum, siting incapable parenting skills. Then years later, I watched my own children faltering and having melt downs.
   Children as much as they are a blessing do not come with manuals. Each child varies and tantrums usually are from inability to express true emotions. A healthy outlook and versatile ways of dealing with a meltdown include:
   
   1. Not allowing the child to take attention.
   2. Control yourself as an adult and avoid the smacking initially you want to do.
   3. Leave a situation so you don't don't become too affected by the people around.
   4. Don't judge yourself.
   5. Show not tell how the behavior ruined the outing.
   
   Okay, that said I'm due for a mid life tantrum:

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      frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I really appreciate your honesty. I think a lot of parents feel the same as you did, but tantrums are age appropriate behavior...at a variety of ages!  If children DID come with an instruction manual, which chapter would you have needed the most?

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   Beth100posted 12 years ago

   Not one of my children have had tantrums publicly or privately at home (and that is all five of them). 
   
   Why?
   
   Simple.  Always:
   
   1. make sure they are fed before leaving;
   2. bathroom before leaving (and when young, clean bottoms in the diaper/pull up);
   3. napped and refreshed;
   4. a quick jaunt at the park before heading into a store so they could release some energy;
   5. if I was stressed, we did the "scream as loud as you could" inside the car while driving to the store.  It was extremely, extremly noisy, but boy, what a stress reliever!! The kids thought (and still do) what a hiliarious thing to do but they always particpated full heartedly.  My 16 year old still does this with me.  ;
   6.  never negotiate at the store.  Lay the ground rules before leaving the house.  Bad behaviour = no reward and instant home bound with a time out.  Good behaviour = treat at the END of the shopping trip and when at home;
   7.  pick your battles;
   8.  explain your plans of what you will be doing before heading out.  Children like to know what is happening.  When changes occur suddenly or unexpected, it is difficult for them to handle and feel out of control.  This stresses them and a tamtrum could result;
   9.  make it clear your expectations from them.  Even at 3 or 4 years old, they understand this.  There is nothing more that they want than to make you happy and proud of them.
   10. let them participate in the trip.  Keeping them busy and feeling "big" prevents a lot of trouble.
   
   My list goes on and on....    but I will stop here. 

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      frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      How cool! I love the scream as loud as you can tactic..very awesome! Good tips too, but sometimes tantrums happen to good parents despite all the preparation in the world.  Communication struggles, illness and life stressors are just a few of the things that can cause a tantrum.

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    Beth100posted 12 years ago

    Oh, yea, how do tamtrums make me feel?
    
    I can't quite sympathize with the parent because I haven't experienced this but
    
    I do not judge the parent and learn from what they are doing.  I try to understand the situation and will do what I can to avoid it with my own children.  The only time I get angry at the parent is when they treat the child like it is their fault (at 3 or 4, they have limited vocabulary and even more limited ways to show their feelings) and are impatient.  I become enraged when I see a parent hit their child for having a tantrum.  In these situations, the parent must look at themselves for the reason why their child is behaving this way.  Afterall, hitting your child is the adult way of having a tantrum.........

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       frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I think you are right..adult tantrums are called "rage."

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    sassydeeposted 12 years ago

    i wasnt embarrassed i was more dissapointed with my self and my child.  i also was very angry and i am glad i delt with it when we got home rather than at the moment.

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    Sue B.posted 12 years ago

    I should have added-- my son is about 18 months now.  I can't say he has full out sophisticated temper tantrums like an older child but I am hoping he never does   His temper tantrums consist of crying abruptly and appearing frustrated in some way when he is not getting his way.  If he doesn't want to be picked up, he will squat closer to the floor and continue to try.  It is VERY short. I am hoping I am able to nip them in the bud when he is older.  I'm sure the next 6 months will prove interesting!

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    cheryloneposted 12 years ago

    Angry, frustrated, saddened, worried, embarrassed, you name it I felt it.  It was difficult at first to even cope with them.  Then I realized that a lot of the tantrum was to embarrass me into giving him what he wanted (new mom, just starting out and all so it took a bit you know) after that I just walked away and let him have his tantrum.  He usually just stopped, got up and silently followed.  Only one time did that not work and I left my carriage, pulled him to his feet and left the store.  The carriage had two special treats that I was going to get him if he behaved in the store.  He never failed to respond after that and the temper tantrums died fairly quickly once he realized they weren't going to work.

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    Tracy Lynn Conwayposted 12 years ago

    I would have to agree with Beth100 about not having dealt with too many public temper tantrums. I have had friends that expressed such a level of embarrassment at this public display of emotion that they were completely mortified. I had one son that would get so focused on buying a certain toy at the store that my goal became getting out as soon as possible to try and avoid any type of possible outburst, but he was the only one and I have four kids. If 'let me get out of here as soon as possible' is a feeling then that would be how I would describe it. I just published a hub on the topic of managing temper tantrums and it discusses one of my friends reactions to her three year old's temper tantrum.

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       frugalfamilyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I like that feeling "let me get out of here as soon as possible." I bet many others feel the same. I'll be sure to check out your hub and I hope you will look at a few of mine on temper tantrums.

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          Tracy Lynn Conwayposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          I guess this is a 'hot topic' no pun intended.  I will be taking a look at your hubs on temper tantrums, thanks!

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    Eaglekiwiposted 12 years ago

    If at all possible leave under 3's at home
    
    Shop at midnight if you can ,oh sheer bliss.
    
    I know realistically this is not a practical option for most busy mums however.
    
    My experiences varied,for the main part shopping was trouble-free,and the things that helped have been mentioned ,like having the child(ren) participate etc,or for one of my sons having a special coloring book n crayons that was labelled "supermarket" time really helped him have an alternative activity. For him boredom was a trigger.
    
    My last born was the most challenging, and twice he lost the plot,once in a shopping mall during a busy Christmas period (why do other mothers act so surprised -lol)and another time as we left the doctors clinic ( he had wanted one of toys on the receptionists desk).
    I wasn't embarrassed  then,more tired and irritated as I envisaged a cranky 2yr old whining and grizzling for the 25min drive home. Sooo...3mins later I pulled into a McDonald's  drive-thru ad asked for a cup of ice,handed it to red faced toddler to do whatever his lil heart desired......peace reigned for almost 5mins..next stop fruit vendor on the corner ,jumped out bought some salad vegetables ,gave him a banana without peeling it ..lol..but least it bought me a few more minutes for him to whine about unpeeling it ,lol
    
    In a word Id say......Be creative, either confuse the child (in a safe way) to distract him, or wear really good earbuds an crank up the mp3 player.
    
    It is not always possible to ignore a tantrum but it is possible to change its rythmn and duration.
    
    Edit: That delightful child is now 20 yrs old ,kind courteous, and  thoughtful but just last week-end he commented how small whiney kids irritate him  
    
    (I cant wait for him to have his own!)

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