Married Men That Live A Secret Homosexual Life "Good Or Bad"?

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   mdawson17posted 14 years ago

   In the recent years I have seen more men come out of the closet after being married for more than 5 years. This concerns me becuase I think of the spouse that has dedicated her complete life to him!
   
   I have seen children lives tour up and even worse the children involved become very confused.
   
   I have seen wives insecure of their woman hood and who they are. Blaming themselves.
   
   And I have the man just walk away from a dedicated relationsip as if it hurt no one. I thought when a married couple took their vows they were vows of integrity and commitment. I thought they were also a vow of honesty and faithfullness.
   
   I am curious what is the thoughts and oppions in regards to this subject.

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      theageofcakeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      There was a period in history when doing this was not acceptable, but at least, in a way, forgivable, because of the hostility society pinned against homosexuality.
      
      But because the social climate is changing, at least in progressive parts of the U.S., I wonder if there's any justification other than individual fear. 
      
      I've known gay men in heterosexual relationships that did so as something of a cover up, or an attempt to "test" their orientation.  While I can sympathize with their confusion about themselves, I think entering a relationship with a woman when you have doubts is unfair to the woman involved.  Unless, of course, she knows about it beforehand.
      
      That said, I do support the choice of a gay person in a heterosexual marriage to leave their partner for whatever reason.  I don't think that just because they made the mistake of entering the marriage they should unhappily stay in it.  It may be irresponsible, to a degree, but my biggest issue with marriage has always been that it has the tendency to make people feel socially trapped.
      
      To be fair, I don't think most people leave a marriage guilt free, especially in the cases we're describing.  Its tough for all parties involved - its just a matter of exercising your freedom and making the best choice.

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         mdawson17posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         I think that the biggest concern that was posted in this thrad was if the spouse had not openly disclosed to thier wife that they had gay tendencies! If in a marriage the issue had been discussed and both parties are happy with it thn their arrangement should work!
         
         I meen being a swinger is acceptabale in society eyes why not multi gender marriages?

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            Marisa Wrightposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I agree - I'm willing to live and let live.  However I simply can't forgive a gay man who marries a woman purely for camouflage, but pretends it's real.  I've personally met three women who unknowingly married gay men.  All of them endured misery, and one of them nursed her husband to his death through AIDS (in spite of the way he had treated her).  Didn't these men stop to think about the feelings of the women they married, before they decided to use them?

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            Deborah-Lynnposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I guess if they don't mind having to use condoms in thier marriage...forever.....   

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            Valerie Fposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Really? It's not in my society.

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      AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is tough I agree that a man takes his vows and should be committed I believe that sometimes society plays a key part on a person's lifestyle. Many men and women were brought up that it is a sin to be with the same sex however a percentage of gays and lesbians are born just the way they are. We cannot change them , we cannot judge them , we can only embrace them. I as a woman would also be upset but I would also understand the circumstances that surround the situation. Personally I would give it over to God and continue on my journey with him.

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      dutchman1951posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have seen this in Clinic at St. Thomas where I volunteer. This truth may hurt, I am sorry.
      
      The Majority are men looking for sexual satisfaction, they play a Tops and Bottoms Game looking or a gay partner thats not to picky to service them, get the B..w job they dont get at home.
      
      Their Marrage has become to comfortable, sexual activity is less and thus a need. They are usualy older or semi-older, and consider themselves not in shape, or big enoug to be sexualy attractive to opposite sex to get and keep affair, and do not want to risk getting caught.
      
      Some want the frienship as well as the male to male contact, not fully gay, but still a need for that.
      
      Some do not want to keep up a woman, and will tell you Guys aren't that picky or messed up in the head! All excuses for whats underneath, the real need or issues.
      
      Some feel thay can get a no srings friend and get services, no problems, no Girlfriend calling the house!
      
      They play the Golf buddy lie game, or a night out with boys lie, stuff like that.
      
      A very very small percentage of them are truly gay, and are comming out late, after marrage. Very, very fewer still are honest or open in a poly- bi relationship. It is sad to see it.
      
      One told the Counselor I work with, My wife will not give me oral! So what the Hell times are changing!
      
      The group I volunter with work with men who show some preditory behavior, or sexual deviances and or ask for help. The bad ones are the ones who look for young Boys.
      
      You can see it on Craigs List in the personals, and some net sites. It is sad. And becoming a social problem in places.
      
      
      Jon

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         Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

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            Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry, I blew that last post. This is what I intended:
            Unless you have direct experience with a family member, a child, a brother, or whomever, you are only left to guessing. Yes, there are sexual vampires every where in this world. They are demons at best, and will use ANYONE, not just a wife. However, I think most the assumptions in this thread are based on ignorance. So much useless information from a stand point about guesses, not on experience.
            
            When you have family members who struggle with this, when you have to agonize with wife and children as well as husband, you get a real heart-breaking picture. I'm not saying that every case is this way, as I say there are sexual vampires everywhere, but the reality of having a family member who is truly gay is about a full-on identity crisis, and it's brutal for everyone they love, and far worse on themselves.

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               dutchman1951posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               DO NOT, ever imply I am ignorant or without experience again, I mean this well!
               
               First: I am a volunteer in Clinic as a Legal Aid, and we defenitly see this, but it is not in the Majority of what is seen. That is the Truth weither you accept it or not.
               
               The identy crisis is there if you are trully gay, but it is not the majority that we see. And not the comming social norm. Most of those Guys spoken about, either keep it inside and suffer greatly, or come out and get into all types of Psychological trama, from kids to Sppouses, and family, yes...but not that many. Some commit suicide over it, some flip out.
               
               I understand full the family trama involved and the implications for the Man. I have assisted in many battles representing Guys like that to assist them as I can. And have also assisted spouses. The Councelors have really excelent help mechanisms if they would come out and ask, They either stay hidden or it is not that many.
               
               I have faught for to many now, to take this kind of an implied statement, you are not the only person who has some experience or expertises here or sees, knock off the closed minded statements, ok
               
               I really mean it. Its shallow and we do not get any where with it.
               The point is to help those that ask and are in need. Gay or preditor.
               
               That person comming out is alone, isolated, they get the mental support they need, if the mess has caused job tension we fight for his right to have it snd keep it, if he needs a place we assist to get him one. We do what we can, including plug him in to a support group, and assist the family to accept this and heal. The idea is to heal the dammage. Get the person liking himself, not change him
               
               Thats no Ignorance or inexperience, and its funny but I have never seen you in court assisting anything? Did I miss your appearence?
               
               Jon

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                  Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  My comment was not a bullet aimed at you personally. If I gave you that opinion, I apologize. I think you have spoken rather clearly, having some experience, and for that I'm very glad. In that regard, I believe there is common ground, and that will only help in the long run.
                  
                  I do stand by what I said. It's easy to make assumptions about something with which we have no experience. Since you have experience, then obviously my comments apply to others who are far more judgmental and ignorant of this subject than you.
                  
                  Be well. If the shoe doesn't fit....

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         mdawson17posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         You are very right it is all over the place! Our children can go online to their chosing and see all sorts of things that too me should be left out of thier mind!
         
         We are living in a society that alocates negative sexuality and promotes health risks!

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      Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      You will feel a lot better after you come and ab be honest about your sexual preferences.
      
      Stop living the lie and be true to yourself dude.
      
      You can do it! God would want you to come pout of the closet!

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         AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Mark???? He is far from being a closet homosexual I know him and his wife. You are being naughty he is looking for opinions.

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            Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Sure

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            Eaglekiwiposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Well hes in the right place to get them lol

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         mdawson17posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         First of all Mark if this is any indication of you insulting my character that would not be a good thing I am not the one that many talk about on the forums as a person of Anger!
         
         When your name is brought up many talk about how you insult and hurt others! So many hubers have asked for you to be baned from hubpages because of comments like this!
         
         Why are you insulting my charater? You do not know me! Is this all you have to do Mark?
         
         Their is nothing that I need to come out of the closet about I am hetrosexual and a God fearing man. I live my life pleasing to God in all that I do!
         
         If you ever insult me again I will contact H/P and ask that you be band from the forums (Rules do apply to you too believe it or not Mark).
         
         You get on these threads and post insults to people and think you can get away with anything you need to stop this!!
         
         You can be legally held accountable for slander!
         
         mdawson17

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            Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I was just trying to help. You have started so many threads asking about homosexuality, it is logical to assume you are having thoughts that lean that way.
            
            If you are sure you are not - then why all the questions about homosexuals?
            
            And you have lost me I'm afraid. Are you saying there is something wrong with being homosexual?

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               AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Mark, I know him and he does not care if someone is homosexual he and his wife are one of those people who do not care about one's gender. The question was ,"Married men that live a homosexual life good or bad?" I believe it is a logical question and he is only trying to get opinions based on what he has seen with the women who have struggled with this pain. He did not say it was wrong to be homosexual he is trying to understand why men marry women, have children and then come out of the closet. Think of the heartache and grief that is caused when a woman has to let the person that they love go. Think of your wife how would she feel if you did that to her? You are far from homosexual but imagine the pain and suffering she would endure if she lost you to a man and then answer the question. You are smart and many listen to you I highly respect you write from your heart that is the Mark Knowles that I know and give a compassionate answer ((( Big Hugs)))

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                  Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  If I was homosexual and had been pretending to be heterosexual - I would hope that my wife understood that I needed to be myself. And that that was more important than pretending and lying to the children.
                  
                  If I "did that to her."? Really - the underlying tone of this thread - as it is with the others he started, and in my professional opinion after ten years as a therapist - there are some issues to be worked out and I was suggesting one possible route.
                  
                  Homosexuality is not a disease to be cured and an unhealthy hatred or distaste for those who are homosexual suggests a deeper issue.

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                     AEvansposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     I could cry you have given such a wonderful answer I knew that I could always count on you to provide a professional opinion that is what I enjoy the most. ((( Big Hugs))

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                     A Texanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     What do you mean "if" you were homosexual?

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                        Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        What are you trying to say?

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                           A Texanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           Asking a question, did the question mark confuse you?

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                              Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                              No - I thought it was funny. Trust me - your "wit" was not that hard to get.
                              
                              I stopped being upset that some one called me homosexual after about 15 years old.

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                                 A Texanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                                 Did someone call you that?

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                     Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Thanks for this, Mark. It's good insight.

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                     sneakorocksolidposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     No it's a mental health issue.

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                        Mark Knowlesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        More a fear thing. It is called "homophobia,"

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                           A Texanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           You're not homophobic I bet.

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   sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

   It's the best thing that could happen! Hell, we should all try to be more gay then we'd understand the liberal perspective. I can't wait to be gay! I ordered my 'Do It Your Self Gay Kit' last week. I'm all excited about the trama it will cause we've been living without drama too long!

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      tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Go ahead ! It's fun !!

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         sneakorocksolidposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Whats-up! My wife is as mean as a snake! She'd whip the gay right out of me! She's a big woman 6'2", all muscley and she's a pudd'in wrestler! She's a killer!

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            Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            You are the one who makes it sound like you're married to man. You're quite welcome to be gay if you want to be.

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      mdawson17posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      LOL

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      Deborah-Lynnposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds like a great out of the home business to me!

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   bloodnlatexposted 14 years ago

   I see nothing wrong with it, I mean I've never been caught.

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      tantrumposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      me either !

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   bloodnlatexposted 14 years ago

   Aw SHIT! I guess the cat's out of the bag now isn't it!

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      prettydarkhorseposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      to sneakorocksolid: and bloodnlatex: I really didnt know you were both like that, LOL...ur enjoying it both I know....

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   wsp2469posted 14 years ago

   My ex-wife might've turned me towards men but there were several OTHER women waiting in line so . . .

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   Len Cannonposted 14 years ago

   Of course it's "bad."  It is an awful situation for everyone and the result of a world where having to hide from yourself results in men and women diving into loveless relationships for the sake of appearances.  My good friend's father came out and it was difficult for his mother but in the end, it was best for everyone.  All parties are able to have the life they always deserved instead of both parties settling for a lie and my friend has certainly not been negatively effected by it.

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   Georgiakevinposted 14 years ago

   If love is about trust then how can a person profess love to another person and then leave that person for whatever reason? If one professes to be Christian and finds out being gay is more than they can bare while in a heterosexual relationship does self identity really hold a higher place in their lives than their children and the person they loved enough to marry?

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   livelongerposted 14 years ago

   Of course it's bad.
   
   Fortunately, there's less and less of it in environments where gay people aren't told:
   
   - that they can "pray the gay away" (they can't)
   - that they should get married...to an opposite sex person they can't love
   - they will burn in eternal hellfires or whatever
   
   They are more likely to grow with a stronger sense of self and without the need to marry a "beard." Look at Ted Haggard and Larry Craig if you need some well-known examples of people leading cheating, double lives.
   
   Making gay people full, equal citizens under the law will go a long way to making this sort of travesty a thing of the past.

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      sneakorocksolidposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      What laws deny them the same, exactly the same, rights we all enjoy?

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   wsp2469posted 14 years ago

   Don't make this a competition to see who has the smallest mind or who has the most Christian mind or who has the gayest mind just answer the question, folks.
   (Personally, if I am going to f*ck an ass I would rather that ass be smooth and pretty. . .like mine was when I was in prison. . .)
   
   
   
   j/k?

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    csfwposted 14 years ago

    Interesting,
    
    There is no judgement here...
    
    First hand knowledge, 28 year marriage, knowing my ex will never disclose his true self. My story is a tragedy to others. Truthfully today I am stronger and more creative.
    I do not find it okay for anyone to be in a relationship when they have discord in their own identity.
    The true meaning of love, can be very confusing and different for everyone. Sometimes I felt he really did love me as much as I loved him. He broke my heart when he said he wanted a sub-servant wife, and proceeded to have an affair with a woman, I did not know about.
    Crazy as this sounds, he had affairs with woman several times. I have soul searched for 2 years putting the pieces together.
    It was his upbringing that he can not face. Very conservative, very catholic, very Italian. A toxic brew for him.
    With my new relationships, I understand the desires a man has for a woman.
    
    First of all;
    -Never forget to keep love in your heart.
    -Do what ever you need to do, be angry, cry, journal, meditate, pray. Never let yourself be depressed.
    -Look for your blessings, be grateful you had the contrast.
    -Now get up and find a new love, move in the direction of downstream.
    -Smile, the sun always shines somewhere. Your past is just that.
    
    Please don't condemn others for their life choices. Their own alignment makes their lives hard enough.
    Peace, Love Gratitude & Smile.
    Life is supposed to be fun.

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    zadrobiposted 14 years ago

    Geez I wonder what all of these wives are thinking.

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    SweetiePieposted 14 years ago

    I think it would be better for a woman to find out her husband is not interested five years down the road as opposed to twenty.  Maybe couples really do not get to know each other before marriage, that is my feeling.  Besides, why is marriage so important to so many people?  If people want to get married let them marry who they love, and who cares if its a heterosexual relationship or same sex relationship.  I myself really do not get relationships, and I have been single a longer amount of time than most people could handle.

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    TimTurnerposted 14 years ago

    I mean it's not good to keep hiding it but society is to blame for it, especially guys that are in their 30s and up right now.
    
    I think more guys are accepting being gay or bisexual nowadays so we probably won't see too many married dudes coming out to their wives.
    
    I just don't understand how you have kids if you aren't sexually attracted to girls.  How does that work? haha

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       csfwposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Sometimes it's just not about sexual attraction. My ex still fights his identity.
       
       One other comment is both genders experiment or just have casual sex. Certainly you have heard of individuals altering their behavior and not knowing who they spent the night with... Sex does not have to be based on attraction.

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    Len Cannonposted 14 years ago

    "Close your eyes and think of England"
    
    Specifically Brad Pitt wearing a Union Jack speedo, I guess.

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    creativeone59posted 14 years ago

    It's really jacked -up, for any one to marry under pretense of being straight when their not. The spouse in the dark, lose on all counts. She lose in marriage and if the person involved in the misconception didn't take precaution the other spouse could die from a fatal disease. so let's be fair if you want to put your life in jeopardy that's okay, but for God sake, don't put, they will suffer too,because they don't understand what's going on.  This really is a no win situations for the spouse and children.  creativeone59

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    AEvansposted 14 years ago

    MDawson: Please do not take Mark wrong WWJD?
    Don't lose him and stay focused.

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    r2moo2posted 14 years ago

    Bring on the guns and the knives!

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    Whitney05posted 14 years ago

    There are many relationships where the man is gay, but the family stays together. They're not hurting their wives by any means. What a couple does and how they live their lifes is there own thing, something that someone who doesn't understand it should just stay out of it.
    
    Remember God preaches forgiveness. If you can't forgive a person for being who and what they are sexually, then you're not being very Christian now are you? It's not their fault, and it's not something that a gay man or woman chooses.
    
    Jesus says to love one another, as well as blessed who are the pure in heart, as they shall see God.
    
    The Bible wouldn't want you to turn your back on a fellow man or women because of sexual preference. That is not the Christian way. Let those who are sin free throw the first stone. No one is sin free, so you are not given the right to throw the first stone.
    
    Who are you to judge how someone else lives their life?
    
    
    
    Yet he has a hub about how it's not Christian... *thoughts* And, how when he felt Mark called him a homosexual, it was insulting him and his character.

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    prettydarkhorseposted 14 years ago

    it is bad if you are hiding it from most specially your wife, it means one is a con artist and dishonest. People will love you for what you are,,if they really love you..Honesty is a virtue which is considered upright in all different cultures

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    sooner than laterposted 14 years ago

    homosexuality is another form of lust. It is the sexual desire of an individual. Depending on ones moral compass and background determines how they will act upon this lustful desire.
    The act of homosexuality is not natural. If it were, why would so many try to push it and so many try to oppose it? The desire for homosexual encounters may be natural because some wish to entertain that lustful feeling.
    
    It is possible to clear your head of lustful desires. When one no longer "seeketh the flesh".
    
    my youthful lust desires included a set of long legs, two similar breasts(within a cup size) and the absence of meat and veg.

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       livelongerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You don't understand homosexuality at all.

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          sooner than laterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          on a personal level no.

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             livelongerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

             Since you don't understand it, you should avoid trying to speak authoritatively on it.

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                sooner than laterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                will you enlighten me?

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                   Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                   The best enlightenment on this subject anyone can have is to have a son, daughter, or other family member or close friend deal with homosexuality, and see how that feels for them and how you respond to it.
                   
                   Perhaps you could benefit from a documentary called, "For the Bible Tells Me So."
                   
                   Here is a link:
                   http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/media.htm

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    Justine76posted 14 years ago

    here is what I dont get. What does homosexual have to do with it all?
    cheating is cheating. if you wnant out of a relationship, for any reason,  say so, then  go do whatever you need to do.

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       livelongerposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Very good question, one that OP could answer (he tends to post threads and publish hubs on homosexuality, so it seems like a fixation of his).

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          Justine76posted 14 years agoin reply to this

          oic
          I think I may bow out of this one
          my point stands, do not get married unless you mean it
          if, for some reason, you can't uphold your vows.."foresaking all others 'till death due you part"...it has nothing to do with same sex or opposite sex..it simply says ALL others...
          if you cant do that, give the other person a heads up for Pete's sake!!!
          Im done. maybe...

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       jenblacksheepposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       That's exactly what I was going to say. If any man leaves his wife for whatever reason she is going to be upset, it can tear the family apart etc etc. Being gay has nothing to do with it.

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    Eaglekiwiposted 14 years ago

    Ohhhhh um , get out of the marriage,quit livin a lie..yikes
    
    then maybe just buy a life size ken doll

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    Eaglekiwiposted 14 years ago

    Isnt it just called ......Lying??
    
    No different to the woman /or man who cheats then um , has an excuse

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