How does your family react to revealing personal information online?

1. 59

   countrywomenposted 16 years ago

   Last month my brother didn't like my mention of him in a particular cricket hub and just last night my husband saw the recent hub I wrote about "saving money"(although very little personal info given there but still some info pertaining to him was mentioned which he felt I shouldn't have mentioned). Friends my style of writing is usually a conversation type and I simply like to write about anything that catches my fancy but if I have to be so careful every time I write then I might as well stop writing.
   
   Except for a few people here nobody here at hub pages even knows my name besides even the picture of mine is of an Indian actress (although to begin with I had privacy concerns which also include getting recognized since I work in a very large company and there is a remote possibility somebody here at hub pages might recognize me in the company meetings/trainings). I know I might seem a little paranoid but the  fact that I can talk freely stems from the fact that my identity is relatively safe. How exactly does one draw the line when I am revealing too much (especially about our family)?
   
   P.S: I am not a member of any other online places hence I don't have too much experience about the general etiquettes in such places.

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   1. 87

      agvulpesposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      countrywomen, if it was me that got you into trouble, I do apologize, both to you and your brother.
      I agree whole heartedly with Mark about being selective in what you publish. You should seek their permission if you want to publish something that is not publicly available.

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2. 59

   Mark Knowlesposted 16 years ago

   I am very, very careful not to reveal anything about my family and friends.
   
   What I share about me is my business, but I don't think I have the right to share anything I may know about anyone else on the internet. And if your husband is upset I would respect his wishes not to tell the world about it.
   
   Your identity is not completely safe. Any time you leave a comment on anyone's hub you are giving them your IP address - which would be very close to your actual physical location.
   
   I rarely do it - but you can find out an awful lot about some one if you choose to. Not sure this is being paranoid or just careful. There are a lot of nutcases out there

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   1. 59

      countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      So you also think I shouldn't write freely(point noted to be careful about family/friends)...Hmmm. You are right I should probably not use forums for this kind feedback. Yeah, I know somebody can trace my IP and to a certain extent I am ok with somebody tracing it to some nearest physical location. Btw is that one of the reasons why you don't comment often unlike forum posts.

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      1. 59

         Mark Knowlesposted 16 years agoin reply to this

         LOL
         
         No - the reason I rarely comment is I would get involved in arguments with people who's opinions I disagree with which would give their opinion more weight and also - they have the "delete comment" button.
         
         You can still write freely - but I think you should respect your family and friend's privacy. As I said - what I have shared about myself is my business. but I think I have only ever added two photos with my wife in them, and have never mentioned her name. Once it is on the internet it is all but impossible to remove.

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         1. 59

            countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

            I promise I would never "delete" your comment. Now do I get your valuable inputs?
            
            P.S: I will try not to ring your doorbell(unless we decide to visit France)

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            1. 59

               Mark Knowlesposted 16 years agoin reply to this

               If you can find my doorbell - please feel free to ring it. Not after 2 AM or before 10 AM though

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3. 82

   kerrygposted 16 years ago

   I used a real picture of myself here for several weeks as an experiment, but my husband threw a fit every time he saw it for exactly the same reasons, so that's why I'm a dandelion now. I held off for awhile in the spirit of scientific enlightenment, but I'm a little paranoid about privacy myself since I, too, tend to be a little too open with details that could identify me, both here and under my fannish pseudonym. I don't have to worry about anything I do online costing me my job, at least, but there are crazies out there and I have kids.
   
   Sometimes I kind of wish I could just erase everything and start over being more conscious of that sort of stuff, but I have too many friends by now under both names, and a lot of my interests are obscure enough that I suspect anyone who knew me enough to care would recognize me immediately anyway. Besides, nothing ever disappears completely on the internet.

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   1. 59

      countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      I guess I have to learn how to self moderate then. Ever since I got married I have been a little bit more free but when you and Mark use words like "nutcases" and "crazies" then I am wondering if I should wait and watch before I comment on new comers hubs (whom I am not certain about)

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4. 70

   Jerilee Weiposted 16 years ago

   I learned a long time ago to never write anything that you wouldn't want or care for the world to know.  If there is even the slightest doubt, choose another topic.  When it comes to those around me or related to me, if it's anything too controversial or personal, it's written with fictionalized names.  Thus far, my family has been flattered with what little I reveal, and although readers may "think" I reveal a lot, they are mistaken.
    
   I aso look at it this way, if I were to have to apply for a job and that employer were to read my hubs, would image would I be projecting?  Would it be something that would help me or would it be something that would prevent me from getting hired.  To me, what you write is like a literary portfolio, a sample of what you as a writer are capable of and it's versatality is a part of the picture you paint.
   
   Your identity is not safe in this world anywhere.

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   1. 59

      countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Jerilee- I love to write but unlike very good writers I don't have any training. I was an engineering major where the content was far more important than the language for the reports/assignments. I usually write whatever I feel comfortable and want to express at that time. I am not versatile like so many wonderful writers here who can write on any topic so well. But I do get your point to be selective and I will try to keep that in mind.

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5. 59

   countrywomenposted 16 years ago

   Agvulpes- NO no it wasn't you. I was inspired(to write that cricket hub) after a conversation with him and went ahead and wrote that hub. I just thought nobody would know about whom(his real name) I am writing but my brother knows about my online profile name and now my husband. Yes henceforth I will try not to reveal and also I think I will edit those hubs too. Nothing is more important to me than the folks in my family. I guess I am still very immature and never saw things from there angle (and to think I recently turned 26 and should have grown up by now).

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   1. 87

      agvulpesposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      wisdom comes with experience and the older you get the more experienced you get.

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      1. 59

         countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

         I usually prefer not to personally make mistakes to learn from them. But never the less I did learn a lesson and I would consult both my husband/brother about what all they want specifically to be changed in those hubs. Thanks to you and my other friends for pointing to me the error in my ways. I guess I needed this.

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         1. 87

            agvulpesposted 16 years agoin reply to this

            Sometimes countrywomen the only way to learn things is through the "School of Hard Knocks" . That is when you need true friends to help you through these moments.
            I feel that you have not done any permanent damage, and I am sure your brother and your husband will see that you meant no malice and will forgive and forget.

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6. 68

   Laila Rajaratnamposted 16 years ago

   Hi CW..Yes I agree with Mark..tho'I've put my pic in my profile(I have used just this one pic everywhere.)Maybe,because of the 'empty nest' and 'life passing me by' syndrome..I wanted someone to remember me before I pass on so very insignificantly! LOL..maybe now I'm a lil known here and there?See,i know you.. Maybe I can go in peace now!I think this is the typical sign of old age ! Dont mind my ramblings,but I guess you get what I'm trying to say about me!

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   1. 59

      countrywomenposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      Actually one of my family friends had there parents sashtipurthi(uncle's 60th birthday) on open website for all of us to see(and his parents were delighted). I guess one gets more relaxed and comfortable with time. You are a wonderful person and I wish we get to meet in real some time (and you can surely tell me anything).  Well the "empty nest" is inevitable but we all can/should still stay in touch with our families as much as possible (and now web camera is such a boon)

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   2. 57

      mandybeauposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      What are you doing thinking about passing on you look 30 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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   3. 57

      mandybeauposted 16 years agoin reply to this

      What are you doing thinking about passing on you look 30 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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7. 59

   countrywomenposted 16 years ago

   Mark- No worries. In fact I would do the other way i.e, in case we visit France then might contact you & Princessa for an appointment through emails(which I hope is an acceptable communication)

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8. 60

   R. Blueposted 16 years ago

   I wrote a hub under another false identity and my wife read it and I caught h e double hocky sticks for two days.  It didn't even mention her.  I had to pull the hub.  To write freely from my playful side I have invented R. Blue from yet another secret e-mail account.  I'm not crazy about having to sneak around, but I love to write freely....well at least as freely as hubpages permits..

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9. 79

   AEvansposted 16 years ago

   My husband also detests what has to be said and what needs to be said. When I write I am cautious to write about family and if I do I change their names. There are to many psychos out there as my husband puts it and I have to agree that do not need have to be privvy to your entire life. There are some on HP that I have gotten close to as friends and have spoke to them via phone, we share our lives back and forth but outside of that it isn't going to happen.

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10. 0

    Feline Prophetposted 16 years ago

    I mention a lot of people in my hubs (usually my long suffering husband) without actually identifying them by name. However I refer to them as part of an anecdote or story and have never revealed any personal information that could get them into trouble...might get me into trouble if they're reading the hubs but that's another story!

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11. 92

    Paragliderposted 16 years ago

    It's an interesting topic. My take is that anything that is entirely yours (like your interests and opinions) is fair to write about, but anything that is shared (relationships, family) is not wholly yours to write about without consent.

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12. 80

    sunforgedposted 16 years ago

    im incredibly transparent..although you would have much difficulty finding a friend or relative of mine via what i expose, BUT with a little effort you could easily call my business line and leave me a message.
    
    But, you would never have a chance accessing my accounts or passwords
    
    Its very true that there are some crazy folks out there...but if for some strange reason ,one of said folks tried to show up at my door, they would meet my dog, my security system,my 2nd amendment rights and a sick collection of samurai swords just itching for justification.
    
    You can find anthing about anybody with minor effort, I bet the secrecy comes as a challenge to some.
    
    depending on how much your personal friends respect your art...they can also be actors in your works...just stay away from real names and addresses without permission
    
    anger from terms like "my husband" or "my brother" are just frankly overblown and ridiculous..IMO

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13. 57

    mandybeauposted 16 years ago

    I believe that  fear, makes people weak...... You may get stalked on the Internet, as I was once stalked down a lonely Street as I walked my Alsation dog for around four weeks......
    I refused to not walk the dog.......people said go another way Why the Hell should I. I decided to  set a trap for the stalker, he met his match that night,in a woody area off the road, where I waited for him after the dog picked up he was behind us. He was white as a Ghost, as he stood staring down the end of my hand gun.  the dog got stuck in..., The guy was white as a Ghost before me and my girl  finished with him. she gave him a good dusting down, while I stood and watched Oh and  he messed himself. So I bet he felt real cool doing that. So How Gutless.
    I believe every one should be able to protect themselves their families and their Homes if that is at the expense of a Sadist's life Cest' la vie.
    As for Internet stalkers, remember the Hunter so easily can become the prey! Watch these jerks and warn others.

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14. 59

    countrywomenposted 16 years ago

    Thanks everyone for your valuable advice/suggestions. I have made a mental note and will act accordingly.

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15. 84

    accofrancoposted 16 years ago

    Yes it is true that one should not reveal personal info just any how.My father was very angry with me when he red my forum posts here last week on the topic: "emergency letter to hubpages,a must read",he red it from my laptop which i left open to go and wee,so he condemned me for disclosing my id and telling things about him and my family which might affect his p.....al career,and i have taken caution.So CW plz take caution too.Best wishes.

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16. 74

    Dorsiposted 16 years ago

    Interesting thread. I agree countrywomen that if you have sensitive people in your family you need to be careful that you do not include anything about them while writing.Some people take their privacy very very seriously. I've also needed to stop and consider this, especially when writing about my sons.
    My husband is used to me talking about our life, he isn't crazy about it but our life reads pretty much like an open book anyway. Family and friends that know us know we are very open.(of course there are plenty of things that are private..lol)
    My name is so plastered all over the internet now that there wouldn't be a dang thing I could do even if I wanted to go private at this point. And because I've been very vocal about political issues I'm almost positive I'm on the governments watch list too. Maybe I will make a pen name someday but who knows?

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17. 59

    countrywomenposted 16 years ago

    Dorsi- Well instead of considering others as "sensitive" I have begun to think that I have been "insensitive" to them. Anyway I have learned my lesson and will move on.
    
    Accofranco- Yes it is better to be safe than sorry.

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    1. 74

       Dorsiposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       I wouldn't say that you were insensitive to them intentionally, as you said you have a conversationalist style, as do I. I don't think we intentionally mean to unprivatize anyones life, I think it goes along with our natural style of talking and writing. But I know I have to be careful not to be "insensitive" also to especially my families privacy. I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally.
       I wanted to post a picture of mt sons pregnant girlfriend and she said absolutely not. What I thought was cute she thought was an invasion of privacy. Which makes me wonder too, when I post pics of my family on MySpace or Facebook, I guess I better think twice about that too. What could be considered very harmless might make someone else mad. Sigh.....

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18. 61

    sassychicposted 16 years ago

    Im am somewhat private about my personal life. I subsituted information for other things to create a privacy wall with internet things. This place seems to be pretty tame and not too crazy like other places I will not name. My parents growing up told me that your personal information is for youi and your family and you identity is part of who you are as a person. They expressed it like a prized possesion.

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19. 65

    Lisa HWposted 16 years ago

    I don't share things that I'd care about the world knowing, and I don't use real names.  I generally don't see anything about family or friends, although, because I often write about parenting experiences, I do write about some things that involved my children (but those are the usual "how I got my child to like reading" types of things.
    
    There is one thing that I've been pretty free writing about, and that's personal - and that is my son's adoption situation.  At this point (30 years after he was adopted as an infant), all that information is old news for both him and me (and we have our own "agreement" that it isn't a deep, dark, secret.   Even with sharing this, though, I'm selective about what I'll include.  In general, of hundreds of things I've written, a reasonably small percentage is about personal experience; and then I make it about 98% "about me".  The other 2% may be some basic thing like the fact that I live in Massachusetts, or that my kids are now grown (technically, information about them, but nothing very identifying or personal).  I like to offer enough so people know that I'm offering some version of substance and authenticity (even if only an opinion), and I like to offer enough of a "skeleton identity" to give people a general picture of who is writing.  To protect the identity of others in my life I may say "a friend" or "someone I know".
    
    I used to try to keep all personal stuff out of my writing, but if I want to be that removed I may as well just keep writing articles on assignment and forget about writing what I'm moved to write (for my own reasons).  I've found it kind of liberating to just decide to stop approaching online writing like I'm some "big, spooky, mysterious" person - and just go ahead and do the "I am what I am" thing (within limits, of course).  I know the lyrics to "I am what I am" were aimed at the guys in the La Cage aux Folles; but I particularly like the line, "It's my world, and it's not a place I have to hide in."  (provided, of course, I don't confuse my friends' and relatives' worlds with my own, and decide for them that it's not a world they have to hide in either.    )
    
    I'm more concerned that someone can electronically get all my cell phone contacts than I am about telling the world that my babies used a pacifier for their first three months, or that I had some issue with the public schools when one child or another was young.

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20. 87

    Marisa Wrightposted 16 years ago

    You'll find lots of advice that you'll gain a better following on the internet if you use a real photo rather than an avatar.  Readers want to feel they're "meeting" the real person.  However you'll notice my photo doesn't show my face. 
    
    A head and shoulders photo and a birthdate can be used to make a fake driver's licence, which will get you almost anything else. So I prefer not to take the risk.  Even my name is a pseudonym. 
    
    I've had people tell me to stop worrying, and that identity theft is so easy in the real world, what's the point of trying to avoid it on the net? 
    
    That seems like flawed logic to me - it's like saying, there's so much house burglary around, there's no point keeping your wallet in a safe place when you're in a crowd.

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21. 59

    countrywomenposted 16 years ago

    Dorsi- I have read your hubs and yes even I feel while reading your hubs that you are talking to the audience. I understand different folks have different concerns but personally even I wouldn't like my pictures to be for public display during/after pregnancy whenever that happens
    
    Lisa HW- Yes some amount personal touch puts the soul into the hubs which I find very refreshing. I also use the words like my husband/brother but the only point is both my husband/brother may also read about each other. I have to be aware of all concerns.
    
    Marisa- Yes, it is certainly better to be safe than sorry.

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22. 77

    Bard of Elyposted 16 years ago

    I very rarely mention anyone from my family if at all. I write in detail about my own life though.
    
    I have a friend who had problems with her sons though because they disapproved of her writing openly in her blog at Myspace about family matters.

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23. 94

    Dolores Monetposted 16 years ago

    It's funny how, when you write, even if it is fiction, someone you know or in your family is so sure that you mean them. I once wrote a short story in which the husband was a 'Mr. Perfect' in a very obnoxious way, but perfect nonetheless and my husband assumed that the perfect man was himself. The character in no way resembled my husband in looks or behavior so it was pretty funny that he would assume that he was Mr. Perfect.

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24. 75

    online4incomeposted 16 years ago

    One should always take care before revealing personal information online. There has to be a limit, within which it is safe.
    
    Describing exact incidents, place or communication can sometime bring embarrassment.
    
    I can remember an incident when two persons interacted in a forum using pseudonyms and location but somehow one of them was able to identify the other by some clues in discussion, cause they lived in same city (same street). So, it is always better to think before acting, we should never be assured that our neighbors, friends, colleague or others will never visit here.
    
    There is nothing wrong in sharing a little real information, as we all are somewhere emotionally attached to internet and its fraternity. No one can always do things, discuss matters just for money or business, we are all humans and therefore fall back to our human nature which is emotions, personal incidents, feelings etc.

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25. 55

    MissJamieDposted 16 years ago

    You're all much more sophisticated and intuitive than I. I write whatever I want, whenever I want. I recently invited my mother to HP and she was a little disappointed that I talked about my past and how she wasn't the best mother when I was younger.
    
    It's not that I'm insensitive, but this is how I explained it to her: "I have come here to pour my heart out. I have written things that I felt at the time, but maybe didn't feel an hour later. I've written not-so-flattering things about you and the rest of the family (including myself) because it's my truth. Most hubs are aptly named, therefore do not read those hubs if you think you'll be offended. Read the other general titled hubs and check me out, I'm proud of myself!"
    
    I went on to explain to her that I'm not persecuting her for the type of mother she was 25 years ago. I'm documenting my history and unfortunately history is bombarded with flaws and mistakes, just like the present. No need to be offended by truth and reality. I'm not trying to "out" anyone. I would never share a secret, but am I not entitled to write about my life?
    
    The only thing that keeps me sane is writing about my feelings at the time.....am I being selfish and rude by writing what I want to write?

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26. 73

    frogdroppingposted 16 years ago

    Dunno. Haven't been here long enough to write about any of them. Besides, I'm from a *fragmented family and if I'm honest, I couldn't tick off most of them anyway: I've got them all as ticked off as humanly possible already
    
    
    
    *dad left mum, nasty divorce, he hates her, her him, both remarried, new partners hate everyone, I'm one of four, two boys speak, neither speak to my sister, I speak to 'em all, mum is manipulative, boys love her money so let her interefer, yadda yadda yadda. All true and probably common the world over.
    
    There. I've posted about my family. I'm off to let 'em know now. If they don't like it, I'll let you know.

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       MissJamieDposted 16 years agoin reply to this

       That was very funny:) Looking forward to reading your hubs!

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       1. 73

          frogdroppingposted 16 years agoin reply to this

          Thankyou MissJamie
          
          Having a silly family has it's positives. Like not talking to my mother for one. Not because I'm not talking to her. She refuses to talk to me. Pure class. *You gotta love her.
          
          Anyway, I've hubbed. Unfortunately I have no sense of style so my hubs are random and strange. However, feel free to peruse, comment at will (I can take anything - see 'family issues') - and I'm off to plot another hub. All about my family. I might even add real names
          
          
          
          
          
          
          *someone ought. A life without love is not worth living

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27. 60

    charanjeet kaurposted 16 years ago

    Hi countrywomen, being an indian married woman i have been there heard that and practically been in your shoes in the early years of marriage myself. All i want to say is that you will learn to be tactful with passage of time. Dont you see your hubbys love and concern in his resentment for you to write. My hubby always used to say that you are good and without malice but the world may not see and read it with the same eyes as you do. Trust me you will get and learn the knack of being internet smart writer. Till then right from your heart whatever seems nonobjectionable in cryptic form

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28. 50

    lawrettaposted 16 years ago

    Hi people,my family and real friends don't even know i hub or blog. I guess they don't even know what it means so am as free as air to write anything.

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