Could you love someone who admitted to seriously disliking your children from a previous marriage?
I just read a hub called "Why Nice Women Don't Like Step-Kids". This woman admits she hates her step children and I'm just curious- 1.If you found out your partner secretly hated your child or children from a previous relationship, could you continue to respect and trust them? 2. Could you remain in love with that person? 3. No matter what shouldn't your children come first?
Seems to me that if you enter into a relationship with someone who has kids, those kids are part of the package.
If I were in that situation and the other person said to me "Y'know, I really don't like your kids," my response would be "Fine. There's the door. Don't let it hit ya in the butt on the way out."
I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't like my daughter. They don't need to take over parental responsibilities, but I would hope that at the very least they could form a positive relationship.
I also read the Hub that you're referring to and there's no chance I would be with someone who had that attitude towards my child.
Could I love them? Sure. But I wouldn't make them a part of my family if they didn't see my daughter as a part of theirs. Simple.
Hate is such as strong word.
I've never had or wanted children but if I did it would not be a requirement for my wife to "love" or even "like" my kids. She'd only need to (accept) the fact that they will be around us at times and strive to (peacefully) co-exist. I'm the glue between them.
Acceptance and love are two different things. You can't make yourself love someone but you can choose to (accept) them.
It's not a matter of who comes (first) but rather acknowledging the reality that we're all in the same boat! As an adult no one has any say on who I date or marry but (me). Life is a personal journey.
Wouldn't it kind of hurt you that the person you love doesn't love your children? Or is that a female driven emotion or thought path?
I tend to agree with you that it is probably more of a (female) driven emotion. We've often heard "There's nothing like a (mother's) love". I believe (men) are more analytical when it comes to child raising then women.
I say that because my husband said to me " It's you and I, our relationship comes first". And I kind of looked at him like.. really? Because my list is kids, husband & family then friends.
Dashing- I'm so sorry I accidentally deleted your comment. Can you please repost it? It was very insightful!
Most men don't get married to have a family. They marry the woman they love and generally accept what comes with her. This explains why some men abandon children when their marriage fails. They don't want to have anything to do with their ex-wife.
HUH???!! This is a really hot button topic in my book! Caring for (liking) my kids is NOT up for negotiation! Period, the end. "Like me.....like my kids....we are a family....they're my life...and came into my life long before meeting others."
Anyone STUPID enough to admit to disliking my kids, would soon find himself out the door on his ignorant, selfish, unacceptable A$$!! I wouldn't.... COULDN'T love nor respect an individual who had such an uncaring, cold-hearted attitude. If he didn't admit it, my MOTHER radar would find the jerk out anyway. Can't fool Mama!
Of course, my "kids" are no longer kids. They are all married adults with children. I am not in the market for a relationship....but my attitude has not only remained the same......but now there are TWELVE grandkids to love!!! ROFLMAO!!
In all honesty.......my kids are so fabulous...every one loves them. What do you mean, I'm biased??
Hey you go GF!!! Right on, I feel you totally. I wonder how to make this a hot button topic? Did you read the Hub page I'm referring to?
Thank you Paula. If an intended does not love your kids, then the relationship is OVER. It is totally unwise to continue to be involved with a person who has negative feelings towards your children. Many children are ABUSED because of such people.
Im in total agreement with fpherj48. This is a no brainer. My children are an extension of you, so if you dislike/don't care for them, you don't really care for me. Period! Absolutely would not stay in a relationship where someone disliked my kids.
I do not have children. However, children should come FIRST and FOREMOST in a relationship. If a person is involved with a person who does not love children, then it is time to end the relationship pure and simple. No relationship is more important than that of a parent to his/her children.
So many parents put the intended over the children and that is why so many children are abused. Many children are routinely abused by stepparents and boyfriends/lovers of the parents; however, many of the parents look away and/or in denial because they NEED/LOVE that person. There are even some parents who blame the abuse on the child, feeling that the child instigated the abuse instead of the person they are involved with. Furthermore, the thought of the parent being alone is psychologically daunting to him/her so they tolerate their children being treated often heinously.
If a person does not love your children, why in God's name would you want to be involved with them unless you MUST be in a relationship, even one that is on the surface disrespectful. So many people put their needs before the needs of their children and that is SELFISH. Your children are vulnerable and defenseless and they should be a priority before any man/woman.
My thoughts exactly...but when I read the page "Why Nice Women Don't Like Step-Kids it totally freaked me out the things these woman said and better yet admitted to about their hatred for their spouses children!
So many of our precious children are ABUSED,even KILLED, by boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, & stepparents. It is so horrifically selfish how people put their love interests/spouses ahead of their children. Unbelievable to say the very least!
I think Fatfreddycat said it best that when you get involved with a person that you know has kids, from a prior relationship, then it's kind of a package deal. Therefore, you know what you're getting into if you marry someone that you know has kids. And if you're willing to accept that, then you have to be willing to put up with it. Otherwise, there's other fish in the sea.
Now, I'm not saying that a guy needs to become a surrogate father figure for a girl's kids, nor am I saying that a woman should have to try hard to replace the children's original mom. Far from it, as nobody will ever replace the original parents....unless they just abandoned their kids in which case...that's a horse of a different color so to speak.
However, it is expected that if you're a single person getting involved with a person that has children that you at least TRY to get along with them, and try to become their friend at the very least. Sure, it would be ideal if you could become like a second father/mother to the kids, but it takes two to make it work though. The kids may see you as a threat that's trying to replace the original parental figure, so you have to be willing to reassure them that you're not trying to replace anyone.
Rather, you just have to let them know that you're willing to bond with them, and over time...who knows?
However, the kids should always come first though; especially if we're talking about minors.
I have three children. Two from a previous marriage. I have always bluntly told my husband that he doesn't have to like my boys but he sure as hell better respect them. He has never hated my children. He has had times where he didn't understand them because prior to us having our child when he was 33 he never had been around children other than mine. If he seriously disliked them, as long as he continued to show them the respect they deserve, then I think I could deal with it. Hating and disliking are two different things to me. If he hated my kids it would mean he hated me and it would have ended our relationship because my children are always the highest of my priorities. However you can't expect a bond and love to happen over night.
I see so many times where parents get together with someone and ignore their children. I think its not right to do. The children were there long before the new mate came along and will always be that persons children. So I think if the relationship dose not include the child in a positive way then it should be ended.
I'm afraid that I did just that. We were both empty nesters when we married, so we didn't think we needed our childrens' approval. As it turned out, he didn't realize that he knew my children because he had worked with my ex-husband. The ex had influenced the kids to talk about me like I was the horrible person, never mind that the ex was the drug addict-alcoholic. After Mr. B realized who my grown children were, he had very little respect for them, and I can't really blame him. Although they tolerate each other and are usually courteous in each others' presence, the family love just isn't there. I barely know my grandchildren.
My oldest son's wife is very family oriented and made it plain back then that we are always welcome at their house. However, they live in a different state and for years when she would visit her sister here, she didn't bring the children by or let me know that they were here. I don't really know what to make of that except that she was under the influence of my son. My grown granddaughter is now trying to establish a relationship with us.
Years ago I warned both parties that they had better not make me choose between them because I would automatically choose the other party.
Having said that, I will say that in my single days there a couple of relationships that didn't jell because I had children.
No. It wouldn't be fair to my kids. You may place the safety of your children in danger, when he or she is around! My sons are grown now, but I can remember on one occasion I had to deal with a situation I was not happy about. I won't go into detail. But I was able to end the problem between them and the guy I was dating. I thought he was nice. I really liked him. But, he didn't like my sons. When I asked, 'why' it was because he didn't want to raise them as his stepsons!
What a jerk...I'm so glad you got out early! I bet that was just the beginning of what that guy was capable of.
Agree with Ms. Ranoni. So many precious children are abused, even killed by such people. It is a sad indication of a society of how many people put their happiness and their significant other before the welfare of their precious children.
Speaking as a man who often dated single mothers when I was single there were times where I did not like a woman's children. It usually had to do with how they disrespected their mother or adults. Disliking a child doesn't mean you would harm them
Dashing- That is so true, just because you don't like a kid doesn't mean you will harm them. But not all people are capable of dealing with a younger weaker person they dislike without becoming a bully.
I am glad I stuck up for my kids and for myself at that time. Thanks for your input to the question.
I do not have any children but I have to agree with fpherj48: if the new man admitted he hated my children he would need to move on because they are a package deal. I want my children to be safe and be accepted as part of the family, and having someone around them where they have to walk on eggshells....just wouldn't work. I would also thank him, as he is going out the door, for being honest for admitting this fact rather than wasting our time going through the motions.
First of all, it is my own personal opinion that the word " love" is the MOST single abused word in the English language.
"love" that book, that song, that flower, that movie, that restaurant, that program...............etc and etc
(accepting that we are talking about minor children, still in the home)
Having said that, Yes, I could , " love" someone who does not love my children.
No, this person could not be my partner, could not help me in rearing and guiding my children
Just because you "love" someone, does not make them an acceptable or desireable mate.
I am grown, and so are my own children..........it is not necessary that the wife of my Dad " love" me. She just needs to know that from time to time, I am popping in,..............with advance notice of course.
I have no children, but I do have step parents. So, coming from that situation, I can comfortably say that if my current marriage failed after we have kids, any new partner would need to like the kids.
Further, the kids would need to like the new partner. My mom made sure we (all 4 of us) got along with our step-dad long before they got married, and I think that was the best way to go.
Hi Karen! This is a great question. As a Stepmother of two children I can't imagine being in that position. It is very hard to blend a family together, but one most remember that the children never ask to be apart of this problem. I made it a point to reach out to my stepchildren from their point of view. They are all grown up now and I love them! And I think they may love me Nonetheless the person that claims not to like your children from a previous relationship could be feeling insecure. How I handled this situation is by hanging out with my stepchildren and reaching out to the other parent, it's hard to do if the other parent can't stand you however at least the stepchild or bonus children as I call mine, knows that you tried in front of them and that you are not trying to break up the entire family. I've even had the other parent over for holidays and graduations. Insecurity will kill a blended marriage if yo let it.
1. No, I could not continue to respect or trust him.
2. No, I could not remain in love with him.
3. Yes, your children should come first no matter what.
Does the Hub author's husband know that his wife doesn't like the kids?
I have a slightly different angle to this answer. I have no kids and I dated a man with two kids and his two kids physically, emotionally and mentally hated me. I tried my best to love them, care for them but ended up hating them more than I loved them. I could no longer hide my dislike of them and I told him that I couldn't continue in a relationship like that and he too could no longer balance his affection between us. It did give me something to think about and now I will never attempt to involve myself with anyone with kids because I know I do not have the ability to love someone else's child. So to answer your question I think whoever has children and is dating someone that isn't their father or mother, prepare for that person to not like them and if they admit to you that they don't like your kids, then you should end the relationship. I do think that single parents with children should pump their breaks and wait till the kids grow up and independent before they attempt to date because it's very rare that you will meet someone who will accept your kids entirely.
Sure. You can be in love with someone for a lot of wrong reasons. I just doubt that you'll end up being happy for very long. Your children are so much a part of who you are, how could someone love you but not them? My son married a woman with two children. I asked him if you could accept coming in second behind her children, because she was a good mother, and they would always be her priority. They are happily married in their tenth year and it works because he loves the motherhood about her as much as he loves everything else about her.
If I found out my partner hated my child, the relationship would be over. My daughter is my priority and if a man hated my child, a person who is a huge part of me, then he might as well hate me too. My love for that person would die since I clearly did not know who he was to begin with. My daughter will always come first. I am blessed to be her mama and would not trade that for anything, not ever.
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