i want my husband back and need help

1. 51

   sadladyposted 12 years ago

   my husband was cheating on me for a long time with a young girl.i found out on our wedding anniversary when our youngest was 2 months old he is now 5mths old.i eneded up leaving the city that i was living in he is still there.before i left ikicked him out of the house now he lives with his misstress.he sends mixed signals when he is with me.i still am very much in love with him and want to save our marriege but i dont know how to.i need some advice on how to get my husband back.please help me if you can thank you

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   1. 61

      Hollie Thomasposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I understand why you would want to save your marriage with a man that has been good to you. I also understand that you must be feeling very hurt by what he has done. But cheating on you the way he has does not make make him a husband, it makes him a  cheat. You and your child deserve better. Why would you want a person so capable of deceit in either yourself or your child's life. Move on, he's a loser.

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         gmwilliamsposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         +1,000,000,000,000,000,000!   Couldn't have said it better myself!

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   2. 83

      IzzyMposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      If you want him back after all he has done, then you must still be in love with him.
      
      Until you fall out of love, and that will happen someday, you will pine for him, despite the hurt he has caused you.
      
      You can get him back easily. Contact them, him and his bird, and be as sweet as you can be.
      
      Allow him access, but make sure you are dressed as sexily as you can be, when he arrives and returns.
      
      Be nice. Be a sweetheart to him. Show him what he is missing.
      
      As mother to his child, you hold all the ace cards, and if you can show him what he has lost without 'coming on' to him, he will chase you.
      
      This is typical immature male behaviour, and not hard to sort
      
      Let him chase. Make yourself 'unavailable' but not through another partner.
      
      Bring a little Hollywood into your life...become the actress you never knew was within you.
      
      You can get him back, then you can make him suffer

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      Marisa Wrightposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      He is sending mixed signals?  What do you mean by that? 
      
      I felt I was getting "mixed signals" from my husband after he left - but I wasn't.  The thing is, men hate getting into conflict with a woman.  They don't know how to deal with the tears and howling. So if you ask him a question or raise a subject where he knows the truth will start you crying, he'll say anything to avoid it.  He won't lie, but he will leave the door open, thinking he's being kind - when in fact it's the most cruel thing he can do.
      
      He is sending you one very clear signal - he is still living with this girl.  What does that tell you?
      
      And if you did get him back - which I honestly think is unlikely - could you ever trust him again?
      
      You might want to contact our resident relationship advisor, Veronica:
      http://veronica.hubpages.com/hub/Forgiv … _an_Affair

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         IzzyMposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Aww Marisa, don't be so hard on the OP. How many men live with their 'sweethearts' before realising that it will never work.
         
         Many men find that their first love is their real love.
         
         However, many wives find that they think they are 'forgiving' when the lost love finally crawls back, only to learn, within a year or two, that the love is lost.
         
         When the love is lost/gone, it is gone forever.
         
         Until a woman, or a man for that matter, experiences this, they will always want to find a way back, or live in pain.

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            Marisa Wrightposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I wasn't being hard on the OP, I was just trying to point out that she's probably misinterpreting what her husband is saying.  I did exactly the same thing - it was a mixture of him trying to be kind, and me desperately looking for the tiniest clue that he still cared.  So every time he said something that wasn't an absolutely definite "I'm not coming back", I wanted to hope so much, I managed to interpret it as a positive.  I strongly suspect she's doing the same thing.

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      cintakesteeth1posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      My heart is bleeding for you right now because I know exactly how you are feeling. I had  gone through the same thing when my son was also five months old and after many years of therapy, anger, hostility, and fear that I would never love anyone again because of my inability to trust after that sort of betrayal I came to the conclusion that I never wanted him anyway. I just didn't want him to make the first to move on. I had lost all of my self esteem and I am guessing that you have to but I am certain that once you start to work on taking your life back and holding your head high that "man" will be a distant memory. If that guy can begin an affair when you just gave him a son then that is painfully obvious that he loves no one and never deserved either of you to begin with. He is incapable of love so let the trash keep him and start to move on to a man who can help you raise your right and with healthy family morals and values. Good luck with all of your endevours.

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2. 57

   SanXuaryposted 12 years ago

   Why would you want him back? If you even go back you our his fool and he will cheat on you again. Honestly, refocus and get past this moment.Check out my last recent hub called in need of revision. I wasted six years trying to keep my son in my life. As long as she did not have another victim I was her victim. I got 4 years with my son out of it but now I have nothing but a missing child. When it all ends eventually it will only hurt worst. If he was your husband he would be there.

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   pharuk temmy tposted 12 years ago

   I hope you are not one of those who belive in "better the devil you know than the angel you have never seen? If you believe in that ideology then that is the reason why you have been hurt in your marriage. A devil is known to be a devil and nothing good will ever come from a devil order than deceits and angel will always be an angel no matter what. I know you are thinking he would change? No he won't!!! it has happened to me and I have given as many chances I could, instead she keep falling my arms everytime until I finally broke up with her I didn't found peace of mind. You want to save your marriage?But you don't want to save yourself and your kids? Can anyone love you more than you could ever love yourself?

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4. 62

   Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

   To me, it's not mixed signals when someone is living with someone else.  Besides, if he couldn't behave himself long enough to stay living with his little baby long enough to build a bond with his own child, he's seriously not worth pining over; and if the girlfriend is willing to live with him, knowing he's got a small baby, she's a big of a piece-of-work as he is.

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      Hollie Thomasposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      +1

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5. 51

   sadladyposted 12 years ago

   ok this is the story.we have 2 kids together.he lives with lil girl because i threw him out of house he didnt want to leave but he didnt want top messing around either then i caught them together.wheni was still living there after i kicked him out he was still sleeping with me and meeting withme at places.now i live 4 hrs away from him when he comes to where i am at he was still sleeping with me i have stopped sleeping with him it was hurting me more.now he flirts with me alo kisses me goodbye all that stuff we talk everyday on phone.the lil girl knew he was married knew i was preg when they started knew when baby was born she knew we had an older everything she didnt care  that he was married

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      Marisa Wrightposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      But is he flirting with you because he wants to come back?  Or does he just want to convince you to start sleeping with him again, so he can have you any time he wants AND the mistress any time he wants?
      
      Have you tried asking, "Please come home now and give up your girlfriend?"  If he really wants to come home, he'll do it.  If he says no, you've got your answer.

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   IzzyMposted 12 years ago

   Look you girls can go on all night telling the OP how much of her life she is wasting pining over this guy, and to accept it is over, but she specifically asked how to get him back in her thread title.
   Some people need to get them back in our lives, before we can emotionally let then go.
   I gave my advice, where is yours?

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      Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It's true that we gave no advice, but I think sometimes if a person is in a "forest-for-the-trees" situation it isn't necessarily a bad thing to hear some input from people who can see that forest.
      
      Based on what the OP described, I don't really believe there's any particular way to get him back.  I figured it's better to encourage her to stop wanting him back in the first place, whether or not that's what she asked "from that forest" she seems to be in right now.
      
      It's her right and prerogative to want him back and to be trying to find ways to get him back.  It's her choice and right to ignore posts here that don't give her the advice she asked for.  It's nice of you to give her the advice she asked for, but I had to post what I'd hope someone would say if she were my daughter, on the Internet, and asking people for advice about how to get that particular person back. 
      
      You respected her request for advice, and I think that's a good thing.  I just don't think it's a bad thing, either, though, for others to say what they think, maybe, someone "outside that forest" ought to say. 
      
      She's hurting, and the only advice I could offer is that she see someone (or at least make sure she has someone like a close friend in her life) to help her get through this difficult time and offer her support.
      
      But, you're right.  We could have skipped the thread and not offered something useless in her eyes.  The one thing I do think, though, is that I wasn't thinking she should accept that it's over.   I was thinking she should declare that it's over - and there's a difference.  I think she's in the midst of the same emotions that we all go through when we lose someone in our life, and those emotions include wanting the person back.  I suppose that's why I took the liberty of offering what I thought came from outside those emotions she's going through.  It wasn't intended to be lack of respect for her sense of loss, her situation, or her wish (right now) to get back together with him - just an attempt to offer some healthy objectivity.
      
      sadlady, my advice would be to ask him if he would be willing to see a marriage counselor with you before taking any further steps toward ending the marriage.  If there's any chance at all he really would like to get back together with you, chances are that would come out in counseling.  If there isn't then maybe there'd be some guidance and support for you in dealing with what next steps you might be able to take in your life.
      
      If it's true that he really wants to save your marriage then he'll be willing to see a counselor with you.   Even with my fairly flippant remark in my earlier post, I do hope you iron things out in a way that puts your life (and you) back together again.  Your baby needs you to be whole and happy.

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7. 76

   schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years ago

   I agree about how you'll pine for him until you fall out of love w/ him.
   
   Let's hope you fall out of love soon, or before you contact him

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   1. 51

      sadladyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      we talk everyday he calls talks to my oldest but talks to me then talks to my oldest for a sec

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8. 51

   sadladyposted 12 years ago

   izzy thank you for your advice thats what i been doing my baby 5 mths old i lost all my baby weight and everything i dont want him back to get even i know theres a lot of stressor in his life but he runs when he needs to face them.i miss him he made poor choices handled things wrong but hes not a bad person

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      IzzyMposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      With a little baby of 5 months, it is all the more important that you try to bring his father back.
      
      That little guy needs his dad, but equally his dad needs him.
      
      You, as the mother, hold the key, but you must open the door for him, your husband.
      
      I'm not one of those last century people who says that everything he says is right.
      
      Anything he says is wrong, and  it always will be so.
      
      Because he is a total plank.
      
      He went off with someone else, when you were at home with a new baby.
      
      That is now his problem, I have no idea how a person de-planks.

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9. 81

   Marcy Goodfleischposted 12 years ago

   I'm so sorry for the pain this guy is inflicting on you. Especially since you're still recovering from childbirth and you're caring for a small baby - not exactly the optimum time to be dealing with this type of problem. Be sure you actually want that relationship in your life before jumping back into it. By that, I mean you should examine exactly how this person makes you feel, and what he gives to you, and then decide if that meets your needs.
   
   There's an excellent book I'd recommend - I can't recall the author, but the title is "Women Who Love Too Much." It's been around for years, but it's still an excellent book for unraveling your feelings in a situation such as yours. The author helps readers recognize whether they're hanging on because a relationship could be great (but it isn't) or used to be great (but isn't now). She advises looking at what you have now, and then deciding if it's what you want (and deserve) in life. That book has helped many women (men, too - the title isn't exactly gender-friendly!) to decide what to do in painful situations.
   
   Best of luck to you - just remember you have wonderful friends here, and you deserve the best in life.

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10. 62

    Anamika Sposted 12 years ago

    If I was in your position, I would not have thought of going back to a Husband who cheated on me and went straight to live with his mistress. Don't you have any self respect? You and your child deserve much better. Now your child is too young and would be able to adjust with any man whom you let into your life. The earlier you clean up your mental baggage, the faster you would be making way to let another man in your life. By clinging on to a man who does not deserve you, you are blocking your way find happiness with another man. But still if you want to give your marriage another chance, do as Izzy says but make sure that you ask him to choose between you and the other girl. Go back to him only if he agrees to leave that girl and be loyal to you.

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11. 58

    logic,commonsenseposted 12 years ago

    He wants his cake and to eat it too.  Until you stop baking for him he will continue to string you along until he gets tired of it, then he'll drop you altogether.  Then you'll really have pain.  Take the lumps now, dump him for good and find a man that really wants you.  This guy doesn't or he wouldn't have a mistress and would be fighting to get back with you.

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12. 59

    Black Lillyposted 12 years ago

    You want your husband back.
    
    Now first of all - is he really YOURS? Do you know what's between him and his "mistress"? Is she just a mistress, or you would only like to think that way? Maybe that's true love?
    
    That's just one point to consider.
    
    Another one is love vs hurt ego/self esteem. Do you really LOVE him? Is your wish to get him back based on a secret desire to cure the wound inflicted on your inner self? It hurts damn much when your nearest and dearest finds someone else, and it's a huge blow to your own confidence. It also means a huge CHANGE to your life - as a defence, we try to do everything to get back into the state we were before and forget everything as a bad dream. The problem is that it is NOT a dream, it's reality.
    The question is - would you be able to REALLY be happy with him if he comes back? Or you just need it to win some time, cure your mind, mend your heart and then... well, leave him yourself as a revenge?

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13. 61

    AHale48posted 12 years ago

    I am so sorry for all the trouble you have been through. Your heart must be breaking. Its hard to understand why a man will cheat on his wife, but some do. Its even harder when we love them and we continue to have hope that he will change. He is not changing sweetheart. He is still living with his girlfriend. It doesn't matter that you threw him out - he didn't have to go live with her. He chose her again. It will be difficult, but you must learn to stand on your own and learn to live and love yourself above all else. This is where your son will learn strength and honesty and trustworthiness. If you truly believe you want your husband back in your life, you will need much counseling. Churches will offer it for free. If he doesn't want to go, then you have your answer for your situation as well. Get counseling or help for yourself anyway. You are worthy of so much more. I wish you all the best.

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14. 73

    Aneegmaposted 12 years ago

    The fact that he has the audacity to cheat on you means this guy doesn't respect and love you as much as you thought he did. It's a shame you made a baby with this man and so you can either try and work things out for the sake of the baby, or you can get up dust your feet and let him go.
    
    Yo mentioned that he's living with this girl he cheated on you for. Chances are this girl is not just a fling for him. So if you choose to take him back, prepare to battle for his attention because this girl is going no where if he's actually staying with her.
    
    My advice is if he is unfaithful, he will remain unfaithful and men like that are not worth it. You need to stand strong for your child and don't let your love for this man cripple you into being a wimp.

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    Hypersapienposted 12 years ago

    You made the right decision in leaving.  In many ways, trust is more important than love.  If you cxan't trust him, then you can't rely on him.  And if you can't rely on him, what good is he?
    
    I would advise you to stay strong.  If he cared the least bit about saving his marriage, he wouldn't have moved in with his mistress - he would have come after you!  Just leave him where he is and move on.  It will be hard, but you'll be better off for it.

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16. 58

    krsharp05posted 12 years ago

    It's definitely time to move on.  I agree that the signal is loud and clear.  You have a family to care for and yourself to take care of.  Clear your mind of his disaster and think of you and your family.  Blessed be.

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17. 51

    sadladyposted 12 years ago

    i just wanted to say that i am no longer a sadlady.and for the record he was sending mixed signals he wanted his cake andas  eat it to well i wont aloow it.i dont let him conrtol anything anymore and he hates it.i did want him back then i finally realized when my emotions calmed doown that i dont wont hom back infact the thought of him makes me sick.i kepp finding out about more and more girls so i am good.as for myself physically i look and feel fantasic.i went down from a size 14 to a size 3 lost a total of 75 pounds.very proud of myself.as for my mental state it is getting better i know that i dont want  or need him.we have 2 kids together he barely has anything to do with them but in the end its on him.i will live my life acomplish my goals and be happy without him.thanks for all who posted.oh and to someone on here who said she wasnt a fling and girl might  be true love bull shit he is 30 married 3 kids she is 18 come on gosh.and ontop that when i first found out in october he still wanted me as his wife and stuff he said i want to keep u as the main one and her as athe side.but as of now this the 3rd girl i know he has cheated on me with fuck him and his nasty whore

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18. 76

    flacoinohioposted 12 years ago

    Vivien32 left this same reply on another hub a few months ago, i think it is on a hub written by a social worker sharing info about childrens services.  This is nothing but an advertisement.

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       mistyhorizon2003posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Agreed, I flagged this exact same post a day or two back (either on this thread or another). I get them all the time on my hubs and just delete them. All we can do is keep flagging them to HP and hope they keep deleting them.

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19. 58

    logic,commonsenseposted 12 years ago

    Why buy the cow when he can get double the milk for free?  Think about it.

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       flacoinohioposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       As a man I would love to be your man.  I can cheat on you, even leave you and live else where and you will take me back.  I would play you as much as I can for many reasons.  The first being is that I can get away with it because your in love with me.  The second is that I don't want to be with you, but I also don't want a divorce because I don't want to pay alimony or child support to you.   By the way are you being paid any kind of support while he and you are separated?  If you let me continue to come back and forth between relationships and I don't have to support you or our baby I am going to take you for everything you can give me.  If you are not yet an American citizen, it is even better for me, especially if your English and formal education is not that good, I shiver with excitement every time I think about how much control I have over you and your life, especially if you have no family or friends to support you.  Please keep taking me back because you want to save a marriage that means nothing to me so I can continue to manipulate and take advantage of you.  Wait until I tell you that I am having a baby or maybe I will dump the other girl because she is pregnant and she will tell you she is pregnant with my baby when she calls looking for me.  Are you getting my point?  Get rid of this man before he hurts you more than he already has.  He is not interested in you, your marriage, or your child he is just playing with you to avoid his paternal obligations.

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          sadladyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          we  are in the middle of our divorce as of now.the last time i hve had anything to do with him was in feb.we dont talk or nething.i want nothing to do with him.after my emotions calmed down i relized what a piece of shit he is.everything he said i wouldnt acomplished i did in less than a year.i foud my self  worth and self respect.i finlly know i deserve better and will never settle for less.i talk to other females who are inn bad relationships.i more happy with me than i have ever been

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20. 56

    abbykorinneleeposted 12 years ago

    Love yourself enough to move on and find a man who won't cheat on  you with a younger girl and know he can come back...empower yourself and stick to staying away from him and I promise you a day is in your near future this will feel liberating...not painful.

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21. 82

    kathleenkatposted 12 years ago

    Should not have kicked him out if you wanted him to stay.
    
    But good luck. These things take time, and I don't think it'll happen while he is still living with his mistress. It may take a while of you being absent to him for him to want to reconnect.

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22. 58

    Drive By Quipperposted 12 years ago

    This works every time!
    
    
    "Don't shoot, baby, I'm back! I'll even change poopie diapers!"

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23. 59

    lovendarposted 12 years ago

    I think first of all try to inform him that if he i will not be serious about your feelings and relations you can go now and it will be the end of your relationship. If he admits and turns to you then its OK. If he is not serious at all leave him, because he can deceive you any time. Its upto you and what your heart says to you.

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    ahorsebackposted 11 years ago

    So lets look at the whole picture , you guys were in a new marriage ,  a new baby ,  And ,your husband was cheating on you for a long time ?  He lives with his mistress and tells you he loves you ?   And YOU have mixed feelings ?  your husband knows nothing about love !  And you are pining over him !  One question ..When will love go "your way" ? Forget him and everything he is negatively teaching your children !

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25. 65

    Astra Nomikposted 11 years ago

    Without trust there can't ever be real love. With trust there is everything...
    
    I hope better things are further along the road in your life. Lift your head and keep moving forward. Best wishes to you.

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26. 78

    psycheskinnerposted 10 years ago

    I keep reporting this spam and it keeps not being deleted.  Do reviewers not see the email right there of the dodgy service these people are pushing?

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27. 78

    psycheskinnerposted 10 years ago

    This entire thread is spam.  I have reported it but the powers that be don't seem able to see that relationship magic spam works just the same way as software spam.  One fake account (hubber score 70!!!) asks the question.  Others come back and answer it for as long as it is left up.
    
    I have tried reporting and explaining, to no avail.

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    1. 60

       dzaddaeposted 10 years agoin reply to this

       Deleted
       1. 78

          psycheskinnerposted 10 years agoin reply to this

          You are trying to sell magic spells to us.
          
          That is spam.
          
          You are also using a stock photo of an American couple as your avatar for you alleged UK identity.
          
          Pull the other one. It's got bells on.

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28. 33

    Jeff Robertsposted 10 years ago

    I'm sorry you think my hub is spam. I just made it my self.

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