That's the question...In a relationship...How do you react when your spouse says...Im sorry-but I cheated...
It depends, H.C. I'm married to my 7th wife, 13 years now and still hooked at the hip. #2 hooked up with a guy once, but we talked about it before she did it, so I doubt you could really call that cheating. We stayed together 7 years before splitting, and the brief affair was NOT part of the reason for the split.
#4 called me at work at the office one day and mentioned that she'd "been with" a guy I knew slightly the day before. That was my shortest marriage (only a year), and the fling-a-ling was a factor in the break, but not the largest by a long shot.
#7 (yes, my present wife) was a mental mess when we met. Before she bottomed out on alcohol (about 2 years into the relationship), she'd jumped in the sack with somewhere between 15 and 20 other guys. In her case, I never considered that a deal breaker, but that was because I knew I'd been "spiritually assigned" as her protector and had a deep, inner duty to care for her. It has been many years now since she's been with anyone else...and a fair while since she's even been with me, because her progressive disabilities make that a potentially life threatening situation. Karma? Most likely.
But my situation is NOT anyone ELSE'S situation. Jealousy, insecurity, and/or anger regarding such matters are no longer part of my makeup. For most folks, those must be addressed. To them, I might suggest to the injured party:
1. Whatever you do, if you've been hit in the heart, you have to deal with it. "How" is up to you.
2. If you can sit down with the cheater and ask rationally, "Where do we go from here?", that's good. IF you can do it.
3. At the end of the day, one overriding question is going to be, "Will he do it again, no matter what he says now...and can I live with that if he does?" I did. Obviously, Hillary Clinton did. But many can't.
4. Go from there.
One thing the injured party ought to remember but all too often cannot: The action of the errant spouse may NOT have anything to do with anyone outside of himself/herself. The motivation can be almost anything. I will confess that I did also cheat once, late in my first marriage...and the driving force behind that action was a thrashing around in an effort to end the marriage. In Pam's case, it was not that at all. She had been abused by nearly every man in her life before me, starting with her own father, and it took her YEARS to understand that it was okay for her to say "No".
Again, in summary and closing: Every case is different.
Beautiful advice. I think you should write a hub on this!!
Mybe am late in the discussion.To me, NO! cheating is not accepted even in the bible.The bible is so kind except in the case of unfaithfulness.Its very painfull to live with unfaithful wife but the decision is yours.Its your life.
It all depends what u feel in your heart and u need to factor in how u treated them bt in most cases you should just walk away.
Is that the first/only time?
Yes...work through it.
No...See you later!
Nobody OWNS their partner and there will always be (for Both) opportunities to 'cheat'... Trust is always the first casualty. If your partner says "I'm Sorry.. But I Cheated!" The Trust is automatically blown away; Not because they did.. But because sorrow has nothing to do with the decision to cheat!
If trust is gone... so am I.
Nothing. Just go away. Later on you slash his tires! lol
This thing never happened, at least yet.
If my long-term partner says that he has cheated, I would say nothing. There will be no reaction. I guess confessing such thing would make him quite open to talking, so I'd get everything about it from him on the same day. And then say nothing.
After few weeks he would start noticing that I became somehow more relaxed. That I get myself lots of new clothes, especially underwear, and other girly things. That I'm often very late from work. That I take much more care of my appearance than before.
He would also start noticing that my mobile is on silent and always with me.
And then someone of his friends/family/colleagues will tell him things he would not like to hear at all. That he is not the one and only.
Well, here is my view on marriage...I don't believe in it. And your situation is certainly one of the reasons why I don't...If it were me, I would say goodbye. It all comes down to trust, and cheating just would ruin it for me. How could you possibly trust 100%? Impossible!
Now, I'm not saying don't forgive him or hate him forever. But as a lover, as a husband, and as 'solemate'...noooo way. That's just me.
If all you want to is just react ... the best response is ... "I am sorry even I wanted to tell you I was cheating on you"... now if he forgives you... then its worth going forward... if he gets pissed off and breaks off, it is worth the break of !
And of course you really dont have to cheat to say "I cheated."
You look at it from this point of view: How did I contribute to him feeling the need to cheat. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to mess up a good thing also.
Actually, I was the cheater, and he was the one who wanted to know what he could do to fix things. Our relationships can only be fixed when we both choose to be completely honest with one another and can forgive each other for being human. Those two things will change everything. He and I have worked everything out and have never been happier. Had we given up we would likely have found ourselves like many others repeating the same mistakes. It was work, but it was the most worthwhile thing that either of us has ever done, besides having our two children.
Cheating is usually just a non serious spur of the moment fling.
What I mean by non serious is that the parties involved are not seeking to leave their spouses and start a new relationship.
However, if the intension of the cheating spouse is to leave the relationship and begin a new relationship with someone else.....well....that is really bad news and it destroys lives....and it's horrible when children are involved.
So, if it's just a fling, here is what I say to my wife:
Honey....please don't do that again without telling me about your intentions first....
If you want to do another guy....I really don't mind, as long as I get to approve of him first....and, as long as I can video tape all the action. And Honey, I might post it on the Internet or I might not. It depends on how good the action is.
A very difficult thing to do, with all the rage I'm sure you have at that moment !
Hi Andrew !!
Exactly my view.
The situation does not call for any discussion.
Just walk away and never look back.
Exactly, there is no need. It may be hard at first but trust me, it is the best way.
Also, I just realised the irony in me saying that. I have not only never been in love but I have also always been the one to end relationships.
I'm not even sure I believe in love...
Maybe this calls for a forum...
Andrew, not all people will want to leave their spouses. Some see the value in trying to work things out, especially when children are involved.
Quite often, the cheating spouse is not entirely at fault. There are reasons people cheat, and sometimes those reasons are due to the treatment they are receiving from their spouse. Sometimes it's because their spouse is so into themselves that they ignore their partner, refuse to communicate with them, treat them like an underling, go out and drink with friends, spend too much time on computers, etc.
People who advocate just walking away without trying to work things out are usually egomaniacs that have never accepted their own faults. Once you understand and accept yourself as not being perfect, you will become a more forgiving person.
I know it would be hard but don't react right away. Take some time away (days/weeks), think about it and come back without an emotional charged response. Here the reasons and leave for a few days.
If you're married, take days off and stay in a hotel to collect your thoughts.
This is a very astute response from you, especially if your avatar is a real representation of you. I say that because many people in their 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's, have not learned to do what you just suggested.
You provided a very valuable point to consider.
I say, "See you later, bye!" But then I have no children - Its never an easy thing to decide - But I do not think I could ever trust enough to be intimate again. Oddly, if it was a "just sex" thing with a Hooker (if we lived in a world without disease) I might be able to forgive - Sex is a biological act sometimes, like elimination - Its the emotional sharing I could not forgive - and my man knows this - He also knows "just sex" is out, too - I am not going to have him give me a disease - If he needs more loving, he knows all he needs to do is request it.
For me cheating is an absolute "deal breaker".
Unlike some people who may call it a "mistake". My view of a mistake is forgetting to dot an (i) or cross a (t), turning left when you meant to turn right. Unless this guy looked exactly like me and was walking around in my house.....etc You'll never convince me that cheating is a "mistake".
No one has sex "unintentionally"! (Mistakes are unintentional).
The first thing I'd do is go get tested for HIV
Secondly I'm fully aware that there are over 7 billion people on this planet. Not everyone cheats. It's not as though I don't have "other options". I may believe in "soul-mates" but not a "sole-mate".
There are others out there that will want what I want and click with me.
I would not "romanticize our past" nor would I have fear of an uncertain future. I'd move on. (I know myself) well enough to know I'd never forget I was cheated on and a part of me would want to retaliate by cheating myself. Instead of doing that it would be best for me to simply move on with my life.
Having said that I also understand why some people do attempt to forgive.
First of all someone (drops a bomb on you) that they cheated and then the thought of the marriage/relationship instantly ending might be too much to bear all at once.
In some instances people who have been cheated on can rationalize why their mate cheated.
For instance if you know you've treated them like crap, taken them for granted, and have neglected them sexually and emotionally then it's possible for someone to buy into the fact that they did not exactly (make it easy) for their spouse to "forsake all others".
Ultimately both monogamy and cheating are (choices) an individual makes. Nevertheless if one is hungry and there is no food at home they will go out. Therefore betrayed people if possible will look for ways to blame themselves which makes it somewhat easier to forgive.
After all if you've done everything and given your all and were cheated on what more could you do the second time around? NOTHING! (Your best is your best!).
The only reason why I'd get married is because I'm going to give it my all. If that didn't work out then it means I chose the wrong mate for myself.
Before you make a decision you need to:
Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself.
Probably the best thing for the typical person to do in this situation is to (take a couple of weeks apart) to really THINK about what you want for your future before immediately offering forgiveness .
Figure out if you (really) can forgive, Are you still "in love", and if there is anything your mate has said that would convince you why this will NEVER ever happen again (given the same circumstances) in the future? Did she/he even ask to be forgiven???
Is the cheating spouse mature enough to understand that they'll have to (bend over backwards) to assure you that they can be trusted again and it may take months or years of them (voluntarily) being an "open book" as to where they are and what their doing.
If you want couples therapy are they willing to participate? Did they tell you they cheated out of guilt? or was it because they sensed you were on to them? Will you have the strength not to bring up their cheating on you time and time again to them or to your friends and family.
To forgive is to "Let go". Not dwell on it. Can you imagine doing it?
These are all things one would have to consider before attempting to go on as a couple.
If you have enough strength to forgive, then forgive. I've been cheated on twice and it took me a long time to forgive both of them.
You look them straight in the eye and say "congrats" you have finally proven that you are dumber than you look. And then you find someone who deserves you.
Sometimes it's not so simple.
Sometimes you're the dumber one, who made your couple cheat on you in the first place
Sorry hun but I disagree, if the love is there, nothing can come between it. So if he cheats your relationship was one sided.
I am sorry you feel that way but things are only as hard on you as you let them be.
Then on the other hand maybe you haven't lived enough. Opinions clash all the time it's not a matter of who's right and who's wrong. You should take that into consideration. LOL
Honey, no one "makes" someone else cheat on them. Can't be done. Someone else here said it best, the cheater is justifying themselves...
Two wrongs don't make it right.
"Sometimes you're the dumber one, who made your couple cheat on you in the first place?"
That statement is not anywhere and is an assumption on your part for the REASON why someone cheats.
So, it sounds like you don't mind as long as your partner did it first.
And, to answer the original question- "I cheated", was told me, and it has been in the past- twice from two different women- and I told one to get out and the forgave the second one for the first time she said 'I cheated', but then I learned later she did it again and then I told her to get out.
I say, do what you feel is right, on behalf of yourself. Do not use other people's life stories to go by. You have to be honest with yourself.
Be true to yourself. Take care of yourself first.
Why do you have to twist everything to your convenience ?
what I say is crystal clear.
what you think is another.
I don't agree with YOUR explanation of MY opinion
Post your own opinions and don't use mine as a crutch.
For some people, being true to themselves involves putting others before themselves. Putting others before one's own self is divine. To forgive is also divine.
I wonder why both of your wives cheated behind your back in the first place. Perhaps it was their way of finding out whether you really loved them....warts and all!!
Regardless, when a pattern emerges like what you have described, it tells me there is some underlying things going on that causes you to gravitate towards these types of partners.
Maybe you are such a hunk that your partners get so turned on by you and yet never get fully satisfied, so they get frustrated and go out to find other men, and pretend that the other man is you....LOL....Just a thought.
You certainly do not walk away especially if you love that person, you forgive them and try to work through it one day at a time. It is complicated it but it can work, overtime the trust is re-established and the strength of the relationship can become strong again. Walking away is not the answer to the problem understanding listening and working together is.
I've been cheated on twice. At first I thought it was something we could work through and was assured it was a one time thing by both parties, but I have found that if they do it once and get away with it then they will do it again. Even if you forgive them, there will always be a trust issue, because you're human, and every time they're late or something is up, the first thing you will think is "Are they doing it again" Do you really want to put yourself through that. You can forgive someone without being a doormat. It's a question of how much you respect yourself.
Usually when a spouse cheats it's because of some underlying issue, perhaps unspoken, and only felt. Chances are there are many signs, often ignored that there is trouble and these become all too obvious in looking back after the fact. What you say depends on many things, the personalities involved and the depth of the underlying issues that have lead to one to stray.
The first thing to do is discuss with your partner what the issues are and if they can be resolved, or if there is a desire to repair the relationship.
Love is a two way proposition, however one can only control themselves and their own feelings. You can decide to forgive and continue to love your partner, but you can't make them return it.
With my ex my first instinct was to try and repair the damage. To recognize I wasn't exactly the perfect husband and to let her know if she was willing I would forgive her and work with her to make it better. At some point I came to the realization that she lacked any interest in repairing things and we parted company, no hard feelings.
Things always work out for the best!
or you can read this!
http://hubpages.com/hub/-Moving-on-afte … en-cheated
Well, I say good bye. But not everyone does. It's a very personal decision.
My feeling is that it isn't safe to be sleeping with someone who can't keep it in his pants. Of course, anybody could lie to anybody, but relationships depend on a certain amount of trust. If the trust is gone, what's the point of being there?
My ex started running around and I cut him off. He threw several huge tantrums over that so I left and divorced him. I'm sorry, but I'm not dying of some hideous disease just because I signed a marriage contract. No thank you.
I say get out of my house you lying cheatin slut and then visit my 3 mistresses and have a holiday!!
I always thought I would say..bye...but its not really always as easy as that. There are so many things to sort out. Will the cheater accept your forgiveness, if you can give it? Are you both commited to fixing the problem? The road back to trust is a long long logng hard one, and the relationship will never be the way it was before. But it doesnt need to end. http://ezinearticles.com/?Getting-Over- … id=1568853
It'a certainly a personal choice and it's also based on where you see the relationship going. I personally haven't been cheated on (if so never found out) and my stance has been zero tolerance. However, a friend of mine was cheated on by her fiance (they have 2 kids) and she took him back. Clearly there was more at stake here than "just" a boyfriend. This is one of those things for me that I will never know what I will do until I'm in it.
Let is sink in first. Do not react. You are hurt and confused and you need to figure out what this means to you and your relationship. It is hard, but the thing to do is not throw a tantrum or kick them out until you can have a long discussion on the subject.
Forgive them if you can and seek counselling if they are up for it. If not, it might mean they are looking for a way out. You stated last night you don't feel valued. You need to address those issues as well.
Take the time you need to wrap your head around all of this before you do anything rash.
Forgive, yes I could, but it would change the whole relationship to just friends. Lovers would be off the table.
My husband has cheated on my twice that I know of. I'm still with him. Completely miserable, but still here. For the time being of course. The simple fact of the matter is not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Why does he say he loves me and then does something like that. I've never cheated! In essence, his deceptive ways have ruined our marriage. I can't trust him anymore. What kind of relationship doesn't have trust? One that has met its untimely demise.
Thank you so much. I'm sure there's someone for me. I have a lot of love around me so I already have it better than a lot of people.
Sorry to hear that !
Not doing anything about it ?
All I can say is life is short, very short, and everyone deserves to be happy.
If a relationship is not worth saving then, give it up. Cheating is a deal breaker for me.
Honey..I cheated on you. (Slam!) That's usually the outcome in a perfect world.
I can't say it's an automatic end to that relationship. Lot's of prominent women have stood by their men when they cheated. Hillary Clinton and Elliot Spitzer's wife not only had to deal with the fact that their husbands cheated on them, but they had to deal with it publicly. Apparently they thought their men were worth it, so I guess it depends on whether or not you do.
Yes but both of those women had their own money and certainly could have taken their men for more than a few bucks! It couldn't have been just for the money.
You think so? I doubt it. Both of those women are educated and certainly capable of living on their own, and perhaps might have been better off.
I suppose you don't understand what dependency issues I am talking about.
Emotional ones to say the least. In my opinion, I lose more respect for a women that would subject herself to infidelity with her head held high. If they walk away with their heads high and emotions in tact, I would certainly then regard them as "strong" women.
Interesting. Don't you think it takes even more strength to forgive and to stick it out?
Possibly but I see more strength in divorcing the president. Plus, for the most part I would think that it is more a political issue than anything else. How many presidents have been divorced? They pride themselves on the "foundation of a family" because they believe that it shows good moral foundations and such which I think is total crap.
A good moral foundation would be not to cheat and not send people off to their deaths etc...
Tom Petty said it best, i think.
"if you can do better than me GO
(there's plenty more where you came from baby)
Been there, done that and bought that t-shirt which is why I am happily single now. My two cents? RUN FORREST, RUN!
People sometimes need to understand where the other partner is coming from, they need to understand the why He/She did it part. People are not perfect too, they err at times. For me, a warning once and then if you agreed to work on it, forget what the other did, and moved on. If you decide to cast him/her out totally, there is no turning back, you have just to move on and concentrate on the children.
Oh believe me, that poor thing would suffer. From the same venom, just I would increase a dose to maximum
it is not good either if you stay in a relationship because of children, you dont want them to grow seeing what the other parent is doing, they might think that it is the normal thing to do, and they will do it later on also...
the next question really is, can people really sustain monogamy?
Absolutely! Why not? Only half of all marriages end in divorce, I guess the other half manages to keep it real!
Nah, I think it is not natural. Those who manage, most of them bend their nature to match their beliefs. Not a very good thing to do, leads to all kinds of health problems.
Now, to OP. As almost everybody here saying, what you had before is likely over. I am sorry for you, girl. You either need to completely rebuild your current relationship, or to build a new one with a new person. Hard work, but doable, either way. Good luck!
I thought the same thing at one time, but that view changes when you discover a connection beyond the physical, when two souls actually become one and you realize that complete happiness exists only in this whole.
Hi POPPA, what if you found another connection higher than the last one, or how do you know it is the ONE?
Hello Pretty lady! My feeling is if you sense a stronger connection, a closer connection, a higher connection with someone else, then you should go with it! You know it's the one because you aren't drawn to anyone else, you are not even interested in being so!
I did not say "all of them", I said "most of them"
Monogamy is a fantasy, I don't believe in it. I have never been cheated on -at least not to my knowledge- but I know that I can not be trapped in a monogamus relationship.
Today is like a dream I cant quite focus in on. Sat here this morning and wrote a hub-trying to organize my thoughts-but they are pretty jumbled up. In this moment-I have no interest in speaking to him, seeing him-or listening to him. Im sorry doesnt help- My imagination and his words have created a picture in my mind that makes me angry and ill. All those late nights-All those mean words---all the moments when he treated me as if I was the one cheating. Last night, I did not say much-I did not ask details- Is cheating a one time thing, only if its a one night stand? He put off his obligations to his kids and told me lies to spend time with another...Now he wants me to trust in him enough to forgive him and believe that it will never happen again? It should of never happened in the first place.
All he can say is Im sorry. He has made it clear that he blames me for his actions-during a phone conversation he said-I spend too much time working with the kids-and trying to regain some of myself back that I dont give him enough attention. He had the nerve to ask me-what is so important about my wants and what I want for myself that I now put my silly dreams in front of his. He thought I was here to always support him not go off on my own ventures...
Wow! Well at least you know what his motivation was. Whether or not you can forgive him is not the only issue. Love isn't selfish, it allows one to be who and what they want. Love wants the other to be happy and love will sacrifice to make it so. Sorry for your trouble, but what ever happens, things will work out for the best. Good luck!
Thank you-I know that they will. Maybe time is what I need more than anything-to figure things out. Although I can not stay just for the sake of the kids-I am forced to consider them in what I will decide.
Have a feeling-will take more belief-energy and understanding for me to forgive and stay than forgive and walk away.
Yes it takes time especially at first. I know it took me a couple of weeks before I could concentrate on anything else. I wasn't able to work or think about anything. We spent some time apart I had custody of the kids and she did her thing. Ultimately we recognized that we really had nothing in common except the kids and there wasn't anything worth saving. In the end we all got what we wanted, and I'm sure you will too.
There's nothing more selfish then forgoing your marriage and vows to satisfy a physical attraction. I know some people would advise patience and forgiveness but that just doesn't cut it. Yes you can forgive, but with him gone. How long to you want to be a punching bag?
I was tired of being a punching bag the moment I became one- He says he's only cheated once (with one person) but I don’t think that once is the correct description when he's been sleeping with her the past 2 months??? I’m sorry covers one time one occasion...Not a map of deception...
OMG you poor thing. I seriously feel for you in every way having been there before. I know the ill feeling, the hurt, the confusion, the anger, the regret, it is the shittiest feeling in the world.
My advice if you want to hear it.
Be angry when you feel angry
yell if you want to yell
cry if you need to cry
write what you want to write
Take your focus off of him because he doesn't value your interest enough to allow you "feel good" about yourself and what you want in you life then his are no longer valid.
Obviously my next piece of advice wont make you feel better the next morning but drink up dear! Go to a girlfriends house, go to a bar, drink right there (out of site of your kids though).
Don't think about the good times, just get it all out! Get it all out and start moving on. The faster you move on from the feeling of not being important enough to someone who is supposed to love you more than anyone else, the better off you will be.
I wish you well and really wish I could take the pain away but I can't. So talk shit, be a bitch, throw everything back in his face, make him feel like the loser of the earth. At least it will make you feel better in the moment.
Plus, don't fall for that crap about you not being there for him. Because if he didn't respect and trust you enough to tell you he was having feelings for another woman or feeling neglected by you then he just didn't have respect for you and that, to me is the bottom line.
I don't envy your situation and I wish you luck. Only you can decide what's right for YOU. On the other news about work, Congratulations!
PS. I had a feeling last night when we were all talking that this would be the outcome but I didn't want to be the one to bring it up, and say it. I am sorry for your pain, wish you didn't have to go through this, but now you are and now is the time to look into yourself and decide what you want and what will make you happy.
H. C. Porter:
Just concentrate on yourself and your children now! I think you are a beautiful woman and you need to move on forward without HIM. It doesnt get any better! Trust me, life is simpler and better without somebody who will treat you as thrash!
As luck would have it-I just got a bit of a rainbow in the middle of my storm... I have been out of work for awhile, and was just offered a position as an instructor-showing girls how to model and pose (from a photographers stand point)-
This is one of those moments I would normally call and share my excitement with my husband- but since that's not about to happen- Ill just post it here...
when I first stumbled upon this thread, I forgot I had written this hub:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Hiding-versus-S … Infidelity
I had to come back and find it. If you are leaning towards the "forgiveness road" instead of the "slamming door option", I encourage you to check out divorcebusting.com. Cheating happens much more often than any of us want to admit, and it's sort of a shame more don't speak out with understanding and explanations when they make it past the trauma. Forgiveness and reconciliation happen, more than most of us realize.
Good luck, and congratulations on the job! Getting on with your own life can be one of the very best ways to get past the pain of someone you love screwing up.
I don't think I would live with someone who cheated, simple as that. Unfortunately cheating is all too common in this day and age we live in. I cheated once (shhh!) and felt so bad about it I couldn't enjoy it at all! Told myself I'd never do that again!
Forgive? - yes! Forget? - No! You are a far bigger person than I am if you can forgive and go on. If they need help, by all means support them through it, but for me that is a deal breaker on the relationship. Excuses don't work.
Generally speaking, something along the lines of "here's your hat, what's your hurry?" or, "don't let the door hit your arse on the way out".
This has been a week I will never forget... Anyone know any lawyers on here that could give some legal advice? This morning brought new circumstances and fear-and I honestly dont know what I am up against or how to combat this situation...Perhaps I am losing my mind-unfortunatly-my disillusioned mind came up with something that makes perfect sense---and if i am correct, I think I am in way over my head...
Looks like you have a very tough road ahead of you. Don't even let him convince you it's your fault!! When a husband is feeling unloved or left out, he should talk about it with his wife, not go out and cheat.
You'll get through this and everything will work out. There are a lot of guys out there who won't cheat on you!
My first wife cheated on me, it's been 25 years now, and we're good friends and I just want her to be happy no matter who she's with.
believe it or not i found a good lawyer on youtube one time...he was nice, had posh offices and only charged me $150 for a whole hour of advice, which really helped me a lot.
oops i guess, cant really shout and ball at him, after all, im a serial cheat, and yes, i know im an awful person for cheating, but being 26 and a mum, its nice to be made to ffeel attractive again, un not just a mum who looks after the house, my child and work, im still my own person also.
You sound like a nice mom. But why play behind his back? Maybe he would enjoy watching!
Why did you get married then ? To cheat more sinfully !
To feel you got power over your man ?
How shallow !
Attacking only builds walls. We don't know the underlying reasons why she cheats on her spouse. She says she is a mom, looks after the house, the kid, goes to work.......sounds like a lot.....and I wonder if she feels that she is not appreciated for all that she does. Usually women in her situation loose interest in sex and it's the man that feels rejected and feels his intimate needs are not being looked after.
It's not always the cheating spouse's fault for engaging in sex play outside of their marriage.
But I have a question: What if all parties agree to the sex play?
I think it's a legitimate question for our day. Look at all the swinger web sites on the Internet. It appears that threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes are becoming popular among consenting married adults. Ya can't call it cheating if all are consenting.
But that requires some serious communication, trust, and honesty.
If all parties agree to sex play, that's not cheating ,of course
But she's talking about cheating. Not matter what the reason, cheating has an ugly connotation
I agree that cheating has ugly consequences....especially for the innocent victims, such as when children are involved and marriage break up occurs.
That's why I always say that honesty is the best policy. If people were honest about their sexual inclinations, fantasies, beliefs, habits, etc. from day one in their relationship, then I believe there would be a much smaller gap in our understanding of the genders.
But many people try to become what they think the other person wants them to be, and since the other person is doing the same, they end up both living in a dream world, having self images built on false perceptions of what they think each other wants them to be.
LOL...not sure if I made that clear. There is a lot of complexity to simplify down to a few words.
It is, in my view. They could and should take the honest way forward. Either try to fix it, or end it.
I agree honesty is the best policy, and I agree people should try and fix it. I also agree when that fails it's best to move on. But I never advocate that people burn bridges and go on with their lives steeped in bitterness over it. People should always try to part on friendly terms by accepting that their relationship wasn't meant to be, and wishing each other eternal happiness.
But you disagree with what I said: "it's not always the cheating spouces fault." Why would you ignore the possibility of abuse, including denying your partner sex, and mental abuse such as ridicule, insults, knit picking, bickering, etc. If you deny your spouse sex for six months or a year, that is abuse in my mind, so it's your fault if your mate looks elsewhere.
Couldn't you try having a less destructive hobby?
What can you do? I mean we cannot tell you how to run your life, only you can answer that in the end. Personally I'd have to say I would have reacted by slugging my ole man (I'm far from violent).
Everybody would react differently.
Only you know what is right for you.
Do you try to forgive or do you decide that it was a mistake that is unforgivable?
You have to decide that you for yourself and for you.
Alright....I've not read all the posts, BUT, I'll come from the side of the CHEATER...yes, that's right....they BAD GUY. I cheated on my second husband. Am I promiscuous. Nope. Did I hate him. Nope. Would I do it in my current relationship. Nope. (yes, Husband #2 and I couldn't get past this plus we had other issues).
If you are truly happily skipping through the garden of love with your significant other....no one's gonna cheat. What's funny is Husband #2's mother even said this.
It would be a huge stretch for the cheater to blame the cheatED. I took and continue to take full responsibility for my actions. What is the difference between now and then? Well, firstly, husband #2 was controlling (again, I'm not blaming so you need to hear me out on this one) to the point where most of the things I held dear to me were taken away. For instance, my animals (if you've read my hubs you know) are EXTREMELY important to me. When we first met it seemed like he was all good with the Animals. As soon as we built our house, moved in and got married SUDDENLY ALL THAT CHANGED. My little doggie, Stimp and the cats were banished to the basement, when they were used to being with me all the time. When one of the cats died of cancer suddenly....I was devastated. I just wanted to adopt another kitten...big deal. He forbid it....yes, FORBID...he actually said those words. Alright so I'm not getting unconditional love, i'm not getting any emotional needs met because all had been taken away from me. In addition, if I wasn't "physical" with him, he'd deprive me of yet more emotional stability. THIS Was before the affair.
I met a person who fed off people (and still does) like myself. He provided guidance, fun and acceptance. I wasn't getting any of that at home at this point. Was he the greatest guy on earth....hell no, not even close but at that particular point in time I needed whatever this dude had to offer....acceptance, etc.
I have always suffered from insecurity issues and I believe that's what cheating is all about. Being insecure in yourself or your relationship that you go outside of the relationship to find the oh so sought after security. No ONE can provide that but yourself.
This is why, now, if I ever look at another person and go "hmmmmm.......". I need to take a step back and go "ok, what's going on with you, why are you looking outside before fixing from within." I truly do have the man of my dreams. He puts up with my hot temper, he cares for ALL of my animals. I've had three deaths in six months....my horse Ben (i have a hub on that), Stimp (my 17 year old pom...this death absolutely destroyed me) and the cat who grew up with Stimp, Sam....he basically starved himself to death after he realized his little pal was gone and was not coming back. This man has stuck through it all with me....no wavering. He is solid, he does not punish me for not doing exactly what he wants. He was agreeable to me adding a puppy and kitten to our brood because he KNEW it would help to heal my heart from the losses I'd suffered in a very short period of time.
Bottom line, the question needs to be asked of the cheater "what is it that made you do this....is there something in this relationship that is lacking?" Don't jump to the conclusion that its a personal thing...that you, the cheated on, have done something wrong. I have learned that people do what they do for survival....not necessarily physical survival....but survival of soul, emotions and self.
I'm sure I've got a ton of haters out there now. But, it is what it is. There are many underlying issues with cheating and whether you want to stick around and work through it is absolutely up to you.
ok... I've been a cheater all my life, been a player big time. I cheated on my partners, many times, sometimes had about "four lines" running at the same time.
I've also cheated on cheaters themselves, both married or not (they didn't like it).
Cheating happens, I do not condemn it. It's not nice when you're cheated on, it hurts.
BUT CHEATING ACTUALLY HARMS THE CHEATER MUCH MORE - it drains energy, puts a lot of stress on you, makes you feel depressed at times.
Only when you've tried cheating yourself and were fed up with that you can understand this. And I've had enough, no more.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out
Seriously, it's a tough call. The best I can offer is try to work it out, that is, if he's willing to talk to you about the why of it. Should you decide to try and work it out, the hardest part will be the trust issue. He/she will have to move mountains to make you regain the trust. It will be hard because every time they are late, or don't call, you'll wonder, is he/she cheating again? Everything they do will come under close scrutiny. Rightfully so, however, it can backfire. If you start dishing out the 3rd degree every time they are two minutes late, it could drive the wedge even deeper and send them running.
Unfortunately you're not allowed to shoot 'em. I think you should decide whether the relationship that you have is worth continuing and you have to see whether he wants to work his way back to your trust. But I'd really give him a good kick in the butt first.
Unfortunately I've been cheated on more than once (not by the same person cuz I dropped 'em like yesterdays sh!t when I found out) In those situations I found out they were cheating, they weren't man enough to fess up to it.
But if my partner comes to me and confesses that he cheated then that would be a different story. The fact that he admitted it shows that he is attempting to communicate and reconcile the situation. If I were to be so lucky to have a man that honest I would definetly hear him out, talk it thru and judge his responses to my questions before I make the decision to kick his ass or not.
good bye! there is no excuse for it and i would never forgive anyone that cheated on me. i have never and never would cheat. if i wanted to sleep with somebody else i can honestly say i would tell my partner and not just do it!
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