I have known this for a little while now, and even left for awhile because of it. When I came back, my boyfriend and I decide to start over with a clean slate... and for awhile it worked. And then I found out he's been "going out with his friends" on his days off and meeting up with other girls. I am beyond hurt, and he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He says they are just friends, but the girl keeps sending messages on the phone we share that makes me think that more than friendship was involved... Any advice, other than leaving?
For a relationship to really and truely work you need to have trust in each other. And my friend, you don't seem to have any trust in him, I don't blame you to be honest. But you have to ask yourself, is this really going to work if you can't trust him?
Well you could always message the girl back and ask her if they are messing around but when you call remember it is his falut if he is cheating not hers. So approch her with respect until you know the situation. If she says he is with her then you need to think of what is best for you. You probably love this guy but the fact of the matter is if he is cheating now and has cheated before you need to give him time to grow up.
Your last remark is - "Other than leaving", for years women 'turned a blind eye' to what their men were doing. In today's world we find that isn't an option. With STD's running rampant, our own safety is the issue. This is something you must consider.
You cannot 'make' someone change, the change has to come from within. He will change if and when he decides to, but until then he will continue to do what he wants.
Trust your gut instincts, if you feel that he is cheating, due to the behavior that he has exhibited in the past, he probably still is.
Truly the question you must ask yourself is "How much can I live with"?
Please read my hub on "Am I in love or in the thought of being in love" You need to sit and and say that to yourself. If he cheated before 99 percent chance he will do it again...and again...find someone who makes your feel loved and treated right...there is somebody out there...just be patient
Advice other than leaving???
You want someone to persuade you to stay?? Stay then, but don't come back here in a few weeks saying he is still the same as he will be....
If he is cheating on you, dump him. If he is not cheating on you but you still don't trust him, break up. It's not fair to either of you. Trust is all important in any relationship.
The only thing you can do is to tell him that you don't like for him to go out. Especially if he is going out and meeting other girls.
Now while you don't want to break up, you have to tell your bf that if he doesn't stop his behavior that you will leave him. Unfortunately there has to be a threat.
You have to let him know what you want. There are some things that you have to let him know. If he has already cheated, he cant be trusted to be with other ladies. It is not just going out and tell him flat out the reason is you don't trust him. He earned that.
Spelling it out to him really is the only thing you can do short of breaking up with him. You do have to let him know he cant and there are consequences if he does.
thank you for your reply. you seem to be one of teh more understanding people in this topic.
No, he's telling you what you want to hear, that's why you think he's understanding.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Would I leave him if I could afford to do it?
- Would I leave him if a nice guy came along?
If the answer to either of those questions is yes, you're bad for each other. He's not listening to your concerns, and you're using him as a meal ticket. A man is not a retirement plan. Break it up.
The fact that you haven't left already says a big part of the problem is YOU.
I can't leave because I can't find work in the area we moved to, even though I have a valid CNA license. Plus, I have no family in the area. If I did, I would have already left.
Men don't change.
I don't know much about men - they're hard to understand, and that is the only rule I've found applied throughout. Sure you can scare them into behaving for awhile or make them feel guilty but... a leopard won't change its spots.
- Someone who was with a man for 3+ years who always promised to change.
"Men don't change."
Nobody changes, and trying to make them is a recipe for disaster.
We are not that difficult to understand -
Remote control is ours
We we get angry, let us go into our cave, when we wanna talk about it, do that when we come out.
Let us do some things 'our way'
When we stuff up, tell us, we will make of it what we will.
Ok, what else did I miss out?????
"I can't leave because..."
WRONG. You are choosing not to, and therefore choosing everything that comes with that.
There are women that have trouble leaving men due to financial reasons, even men that are physically abusive, but this generally involves the need to care for children. It sounds like you are a single woman, with no children, that can leave whenever she wants. If you cannot find a CNA job in the area and do not have any friends or family there, all the more reason to make a fresh start elsewhere. Everything you say about your situation shows why there is nothing keeping you there. On the other hand, if you like what you get out of this relationship enough to stay, accept his infidelity. He will not change and I do not believe he is the only person at fault in this relationship.
Have you considered an open relationship? Or alternative relationship models?
Monogamy doesn't suit everyone - and often we just do it because it's "the done thing."
Maybe neither of you are suited to that - or one of you is, and the other isn't. Giving each other the space to see other people - within agreed parameters - might take the strain out of the relationship?
We can't all be everything to each other all of the time. Maybe the answer is to preserve the part of the relationship you do like, and recognise that other parts may need to be outsourced.
Or - you can include another person in the relationship. Relationships don't have to be for 2 people only.
It's probably a little left field, but I make it as a serious suggestion, and as an alternative to leaving.
Try it. You might enjoy yourself.
And i've got to agree with Sab - not changing isn't a "man thing" - its a human thing.
These guys are right, people don't change... unless they want to and make a big effort to do so. But even if the offending behavior changes, people are still what they are deep down inside.
The simple truth is that it's really not up to him to change for you, it's up to you to figure out whether you want to be in a relationship with a person you don't trust.
You could always try couples counseling.
It doesn't sound like he respects your feelings. If he just blows it off like it's nothing, that's a bad sign. Who does he think he is? Run, don't walk, to an exit!
Leave him. There isn't going to be a point where he suddenly changes and stops doing this to you. Just leave.
Tuesday - if you are in such a position that you can't afford to leave because you have no job, then you are too dependent on the guy. Certain people will take advantage of that fact. Go home to your family. Maybe you can find work at home. Don't worry about admitting that you made a mistake. Better now than later after you have a baby.
You should leave as fast as you can, as he will continue to deny it and then you will continue to have suspicions, it is not nice to both of you, specially you, you will be hurt again, you heart ain't no punching bag
People don't change, they will only realized what they lost when one is gone.
When you decide to leave him don't come back anymore.
If you don't leave him, acceptance of the things he is doing will haunt you everyday. Killing you emotionally everyday.
I know this is hard. Listening to advice, for me, isn't what got to me to decide what to do when I found out the same thing. I honestly don't know what I did. I think I was just too sick of him doing so much shit to me and I was tired of telling myself that it wasn't hurting and that I needed him to live my life. You are worth so much more than to be with a man who does not love you like you should be. You can only find most of this out for yourself, as I had to. But once a cheater-always a cheater. It never changes, unfourtunetly. I wish I could make exceptions, but I've never seen a relationship survive it. You need to find what makes you happy, who you are. And if you already know those things, you should be ready to accept that he is only going to postpone your happiness.
I believe I keep saying this... how many cheating threads have there been now?
Once a cheat, always a cheat.
I have to agree with many here. If he's cheating you should confront him. If that changes nothing you should leave him. My Ex used to cheat on me often and then lie about it. He used to visit Rosie's Canteena, located in Connecticut and let the nude dancers rub their naked ass' all over his lap. I guess they call that a lap dance.
I call it cheating!! First of all, he never told me about his little lusting nights out at the nude dance club. He came home late and said he worked long hours. Yea.. right. Worked on the nude dancers all night!
That was all I could take, between the abuse, the cronic drinking and everything else. I ended it and filed for a devorce. Good luck to you!
He didn't move up north did he? My husband was living in CT and cheating on his wife (of course he didn't tell me that) when I met him. He works long hours, has a wicked drinking problem, can be quite abusive, and seems to be addicted to internet porn, chat rooms, and watching web cam girls. I caught him making plans online to meet up with a woman down in CT not six weeks after we were married. I've written many poems and hubs venting about this. Is it something in the water down there?
Disturbia: wow... I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Small world I say! About the water... I think in Penna. its all the coal and nuke plants. It makes some people there nuts, drunks, abusive and cheaters. Hope you feel better now.
Yes, the world is much smaller than we realize, but people who behave in these negative ways only end up hurting themselves by alienating those who truly love and care for them. So they wind up with a string of bad and broken relationships with people who are just as miserable as they are.
My husband had the good fortune to hook up with me... LOL. I can't fix him, only he can do that, but love is unconditional and I will do whatever it takes to help him make the positive changes he says he wants to make in his life. I've been around enough to know when it's time to kick someone to the curb, and for all his faults, deep down in his core, he's a good man... he's just made some very poor choices.
So far he has quit drinking (it's taken several attempts, but this time it seems to be working) and we have had anger management and couples counseling which also seem to be working, but it's been a long road getting to this point. I always did enjoy rocky road more than vanilla
I'm sure you realize when you said, and I quote you: " love is unconditional." unquote. That's right, its an unconditional TWO WAY street. Over the years I found its not smart to stay with a person when you know in your heart they: DIDN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE THEY NEVER LEARNED TO LOVE THEMSELF.
I guess the thought of staying with a drunk abuser forever didn't turn me on anymore since I woke up and realized he NEVER loved me. Yes.. that two way "unconditional love" you talk about just wasn't there. So it was a good judgement call on my part.
Once a cheater Always a cheater, Leave him in the dust. There are all kinds of jobs for CNA's, Move to another city if you have to, but get away from him He will not change, he's proved that to you already.
Someone said it - relationships need trust in order to be strong and healthy and clearly there isn't much trust there. There also seems to be a lack of respect on your boyfriend's part. You need to leave. I know it's easier said than done but do you think it's fair that you feel this way? That must be awful.
You know what you have to do, even if you don't want to hear it. You know what's best for you.
Tuesday-it appears that you love him more than he does you. It appears there is alot of lying and manipulation going on. It appears that there is no respect for the expectations that you have for the relationship and the two of you are operating from a different set of rules-have you even communicated this to him? And, yes, it appears that you are unempowered and dependent on him with a low sense of self worth.
You asked the question that you already know the answer to. You want something different from a man who can't deliver it. It isn't good or bad; it isn't right or wrong. It just is not what you want.
Staying because there are no jobs...whatever, is an excuse to stay. You sound unhappy and miserable. If you don't like how he is treating you-leave. If you are afraid to start over, live alone, not have anyone in your life...etc, that isn't any reason to stay-it just means you have to move through those fears. Good luck.
Go and find a new parter
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Dump him - he has already dumped you and is just hanging in there to fill his remaining free time. You are a pretty girl if your pic is you, go out and spend your time finding a nice guy. I don't expect you will find him among your boyfriends buddies though. good luck and you have a whole lifetime to play with, don't waste any more of it on him
Dump him! If he isnt willing to put that girl out of his life for you then its his loss. You can do way better and u deserve better. Dont settle for someone like that, and dont be the person he knows will always take him back. You have already been hurt so dont let it happen again
Why do cheaters think they will always get away with it and why do they believe that their partners will not find out about it, or if they do will forgive them their indiscretions? Once a cheater always a cheater.
I'm someone on the other end of the picture. I had a relationship with a guy, he left to go to the UK, met someone else but was always texting me telling me how bad it is and how much he missed me ..... for 2 years. He came back to NZ last weekend and we met up and got hot and steamy. Now he's begging me not to tell anyone as he doesn't want his girlfriend in Holland to find out as this isn't the first time he's done this to her and he wants to bring her over and possibly marry her!
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