If you answered yes, then you may want to change your mind. It will only cause heartache and a broken friendship.
I told one of my closest friends that her boyfriend was cheating on her and now we're no longer close. It hurts my heart because I didn't want to tell her but, the person he was cheating with, was a mutual friend.
They were planning to show up at a party my best friend and I were attending. I didn't want a big public outing to cause her pain so I decided to tell her anyway.
She tried working things out with him for a few months but, recently decided to call it off. After all of this, it would seem that we could be friends again but I think she secretly hates me for telling her.
What would you do? Has this happened to you before?
The easy way to know the answer is to turn the question around, sort of a "Golden Rule" filter, if you will.
Would you want your best friend to tell you that your boyfriend is cheating on you?
What you would do should follow what you would want for yourself. Nobody can fault you for behaving that way, regardless of the consequences.
I did ask myself that question and I told myself " NO ". I let the party confuse my initial feelings about the whole thing.
I kept thinking to myself that if she saw them together that she would confront them. If she did that, it was a good chance that the other woman would say that I knew about it already. Maybe I should have backed out of the party all together.
You made the right decision, even if it cost you the friendship. She will be better for it. Information and honesty are very powerful... and should always trump ambiguity.
I'm sorry that your friend got lost in her feelings.
Always be honest and never withhold information.
I think you did the right thing. Finding out you are being cheated on hurts no matter how you find out but it's better that you told her privately so not to be even more humiliated in front of other people.
I have been "that" girl, completely horrified in front of my friends only to find out, they all knew but never told me and let me freak out in front of everyone as if it isn't going to hurt enough to make you a little insane for the moment.
Anyways, give it more time. They do come around and will probably thank you for it later. Best of luck.
Thanks Sandra, unfortunately she is the most unforgiving person I know. She has been hurt by many people and I think that she has lumped me in with the rest. I might just have to move on. I do know that I will NEVER tell again. It's not worth losing the friendship, especially since she is no longer with the guy.
I think you did the right thing I would do the same especially if he wanted to go somewhere public with her(other people could see them and this would be a really embarrassing situation for my friend). Maybe I would close my eyes if a knew it would be a singular and secret situation, but in any other I would do what you did. And I can't understand your friend ...I mean you kind of helped her and pulled her away from a public humiliation. Maybe she is just confused and as time passes by she will realise who her real friend was...
She now associates her pain of knowing about the other woman, with you. To her, you caused her pain.
You should never get involved.
You know what, I think what you did was the right thing. If i were in your position, I'll do the same, I'll tell my friend that her boyfriend is cheating. Well, it just a proof that you really care for your friend. And you never allow things to be worsen.
If she didn't understand you, well it's her lost anyway for letting your friendship be broken because of something that she couldn't accept.
I would warn my friend and then step back. People have to make their own decisions and it does no good to bash your friend's significant other. I can honestly say if it were me, I'd want to know if someone was being unfaithful to me. Infidelity is a deal breaker.
I would definitely tell too. It was the right thing. Keeping a secret from her is lying by ommission - therefore being more faithful to the boyfriend and not respecting her right to know. For some reason, some women have to have the "cheating" done right in front of them before they will actually believe it and will keep shooting a messenger and believing all his lies and "Its not happening" until he finally leaves her. Its a strange thing. She's hurt and probably really needs a friend who doesn't want to re-live the whole situation. If you want to be her friend again just try approaching her with a simple, "I miss you, wanna go to lunch?"
I did that once and my buddy hated me for a long time. But after he broke up with the cheater he came up to me and told me that I was the only one who was a real friend. We've been cool ever since.
If you can't be honest with your friend, then what kind of friend are you really?
I answer yes.
I have gone through this and my friend was mad at me, too. I think it's natural. We are the bearers of bad news. Depending on how deep the relationship was it could be devastating. Remember that her relationship problems are not your fault.
While you're hurting because your friend rejected you after you did the right thing, it's still really important to realize that you did the honorable thing. It hurts to lose friends. I remember being baffled that my friend was mad at me, thought I was lying, etc., but eventually she came back around (w/o the boyfriend).
I feel for you. It's one of those spots we never hope we're in, and probably can't really decide until it happens.
Once. I was in a relationship w/a really awful person. I didn't know it at the time. After really devastating things happened because of it, I found out that some friends KNEW the whole time. I have forgiven the person I was in a relationship with more than I have forgiven my friends who didn't open their mouth. True story.
Finding the courage to be honest in the face of adversity it bravery. You're a good friend. Don't let this discourage you from ever being honest.
I did and it led to heartache and a broken relationship, as well....and have regretted it all these years.
There were reasons why it could have been avoided, because I mentioned the incident in question on my last night in California, before I took a plane east to NY, and a new life as a New Englander.
The situation in mind had more to do with a misinterpretation of cues (when he drove me home from visiting my friend in the hospital, I thought he held me longer than was appropriate and was a little nervous about what that meant, so he denied that it meant more than friendship, and I lost several friends as a result. How sad.
It depends on the situation, it seems.
I'm so sorry you lost your friendship. I hope you don't regret telling her. My ex husband cheated and I found out after that some friends knew or saw some things and didn't tell me. I was angry that they didn't tell me and I cut them off. It's a catch 22 situation. If you hadn't told her and she found out later that you knew, she would still be mad. At least this way your conscious is clean as far as your being a loyal friend. I think she's not speaking to you more out of shame because she cut you off only to end up alone anyway. A guy friend once told me that he saw his good friend out with another woman. He walked right up to them and said, "You tell your wife or I will." I like his approach.
Would you tell your friend that her boyfriend is cheating?
I have done this. I found out how much of a friend she was.
I understood what could happen from saying something and got what I expected.
If you or anyone else understands what friendship means, then you cannot keep quiet. It would be dishonesty that keeps you from telling them.
Will the person be hurt more, if you don't tell, but they find out you knew all along? How hurt is your friendship going to be?
Honesty is the best policy. If they are unable to accept what you tell them, then they do not recognize your honesty or you as a person. This means there is no trust level in your friendship and would benefit you to find new a friend.
I understand that but she has been my friend since the age of 7. We are now in our thirties. I just regret it all, honesty or not.
If you have a life long friend and then that friend is no longer around, it hurts. I don't like this feeling. When I have something to talk about or share, I can't call her anymore. That's where the feelings of regret come in on my part. I'm more emotional then analytical... I guess.
I agree. If the person is too petty to see that you are being the best friend you possibly can, under the circumstances, they don't deserve a friend like you.
Personally, I would want to know. I would hate to be surprised by such and then find out that my friends knew. That would tell me that they were not friends at all.
Thank you Ivorwen. Awesome to see you!
Hope all is well!
I think that all things eventually come to the surface, I just wish I wasn't the one to have to do it. Thanks for your comment.
Call her up and say
"Listen, I want to apologies... it was sooo wrong of me to save you from getting Herpes from your skanky ex-boyfriend.
Maybe I should have after you married him and had a couple of kids.. or perhaps I should have just waited for you to clue in to the Channel No 5 odor coming from his belt buckle? I guess I was just disturbed by watching him make out with your mom.
Either way, I was wrong, and I am sorry. I promise, the next time one of your boyfriends uses his penis as though it was a baton in a 10 x 100 race, I will keep my mouth shut.
Now, can we be friends again?"
I have been well. Thank you for asking. In case I don't see you again, have a safe holiday season.
The term "don't shoot the messenger" didn't spring up out of nowhere. People do seem to take out bad news on the person delivering it, even though in their heart they know this person is not responsible for the news itself.
What's done is done with your friend. You did what you did out of friendship, wishing to save her from additional pain. And you miss the friendship.
Perhaps a little more time needs to go by before she can get the fresh hurt of his betrayal out of her mind/heart.
But why not reach out to her and let her know how YOU feel?
Worst case scenario can be no worse than where you are at now.
Best case, you can let her know you value the friendship and really miss her and would like to be close again. She may surprise you.
Either way, you've done your part... for YOU.
Why not just tell your friend what you heard/saw and let her decide if it's cheating or not. That way you are just an informer, not a busybody.
I worked with a woman who was accused by an acquaintance of regularly being seen with another man, not her husband. The wag didn't know that she was an identical twin. oops.
I had someone walk up to me and tell me they were having sex with my man, I will not tell you what happened after that, but I will say by the time I was through she did not look so pretty and he did not either. Yes I would say something but at the right time. Could save her from getting something she can not get rid of and than I would feel guilty because I knew.
what you did was right.the problem now is not with her. if she can't handle the truth, then, let her be.it's what i call "in denial".what you should do is think twice of whether she's your friend.after all, if she treats you as a friend she would not have belived that you mean her harm, least of all, intentionally cause her pain..
I would rather know the truth from a friend. A friend that would not let me look like a fool in front of the others is indeed a true friend. You did the right thing, I would say. Sadly your friend didn't see your deep concern for her..
In a New York minute. I have only one rule when it comes to cheaters......If you cheat, you're scum! I'd not only tell her, I'd pay for a billboard in her town proclaiming her boyfriend to be a cheat and warning any other woman to stay clear.
i'd tell her asap. i couldn't watch her be treated like his ragdoll
I couldn't not tell her. It would kill me if I kept it to myself. My friend once told me my boyfriend was cheating on me and I was furious, but not with her. I had seen small signs and didn't want to admit it to myself. She had saved me from wasting anymore time with that loser. I would rather know then stay in the dark and I think most of my friends feel the same way.
and never say never..
if he was cheating on her and this was my very close friend, I would bring up the subject! I would want my friend to do the same. why have a friend if it's only through the good times?
Most people never "get it " absolute [though not total ]honesty is imperitive, A TRUE FRIEND IS RARE, and worthy of maintaining . The problem is as friends , lovers , even family members mature with change , you will outgrow a lot of them. Period! Honesty, is a virtue that can never be compromised. If you lose a relationship because of a virtue ? It wasn't worth keeping anyway. If your friend is "real " tell them.
I would definetly tell my friend if I knew her boyfriend was cheating on her.I wouldn't want my friend to end up catching a disease from a person he has been with and I also feel that my friend can be with someone better then that.It may hurt my friend to hear the facts but I would be there for her through her pain. If you don't say anything then that's not being a true friend and I know if my friend knew my boyfriend was cheating I would want her to tell me regardless of how much it hurts. If a person cheats that's not love so why be with them?
Yes I will - but with proof(s). That way, she won't be able to accuse you of lying or having the intent to ruin her relationship.
It's true that your friend will get upset with you, but it's better for her to know what her boyfriend is really doing to her. If she's really your friend, she'd understand your intention and would even be thankful that you told her about what you know. It's her boyfriend she should deal with, not you.
This is an age old conflict and there is no easy answer. It all depends on the personalities of the people involved. Some people would want to know, others would not. How well do you know your friend? People don't always react like you think they might. Even if she says she would want to know, it's not always ture if you've never been there. You might even believe you want to know right up to the moment that somebody tells you and your world comes crashing in on you. It's not always what you think.
For myself, I would not say a word, not a whisper, not a peep. I'd zip up my lip, forget what I think I might have seen, heard, or know, and go on about my own business. This is your friend's business after all, not yours and whatever you do, it's a no-win situation. Your friend will hate you for telling her and she will hate you for keeping it a secret. So you might as well save yourself and your friend a truck load of misery, keep your mouth shut tight, and pretend you don't know a thing about it. She will find out eventually, they always do.
I know what I'm talking about because I have been on the receiving end of the good news when my friend told me about my husband being profiled on an internet website that caters to married people who want to cheat discreetly. How did she know he was there? How long did she know? Why would she wait till Valentine's Day to tell me? A million questions went round inside my head. Oh well, none of that matters now. I no longer have the friend, or the husband.
Sorry for the pain you went through, Disturbia. No one is immune from experiencing betrayal. I've had my share too - and that's why I think it's better to know the truth than to believe a lie. The longer it's hidden, the deeper the pain when discovered, and the harder the recovery.
True it's the friend's business. But no secret remains untold - and that not only includes your friend finding out the truth about a cheating mate, but also the truth about a friend who already knew what was happening but didn't tell her. Both would be painful, though the former would have a greater impact than the latter. Or perhaps both?
It all depends on the friend with a cheating mate. Maybe if she knew you'd take it against her for telling you, she would have not told you. And perhaps you also don't know what would she have wanted you to do if she were in your shoes with a cheating mate.
The gist? For friends who may or may not have experienced this kind of dilemma, it's better to discuss and know what each other prefers for their friends to do: To tell or not to tell? OR To know or not to know the truth from a friend?
Thank you for sharing your story. Do you think that embarrassment had anything to do with the relationship ending or was it your inability not to trust? I just ask because for my friend, I think it was a little of both.
Thanks for the question, LSKing. It could be both. Though if the cheated friend is a real friend, s/he would be courageous enough to admit her/his shortcomings as a friend who didn't believe or begrudged the one who told her/him the truth.
Perhaps, it's also shock and a form of denial. Sadly, the messenger gets smacked in the way when it should be the cheater that should be responsible for the pain s/he caused. So between the cheater and the messenger, the cheated has to be more critical of the former - unless the messenger's the one having an affair with the cheater. No amount of honesty from a so-called can compensate for violation of trust.
I certainly would tell a friend.
One of the horrible things about infidelity is that the person being cheated on is making decisions and living her life on a false basis.
A true friend wouldn't allow that to happen.
Touchy, touchy. It depends on the friend. You can tell how someone will take the news. I have friends that I would come right out and tell and other that I would hint at but let them discover for themselves.
I'm afraid I'm a total coward and would probably keep it zipped.
If I caught my friend's partner cheating on him or her, I would first talk to the cheater, and tell that person,
"I know what you're doing, and here's how I know. Would you like to be the one to come clean, or you you rather I rat you out? It's your call."
And then I'd either keep my mouth shut, or let the cat out of the bag, depending on the answer (and subsequent action) of the cheater.
I've reached this conclusion after having been cheated on (long, long ago), and having seen others' pain after finding out that they'd been cheated on.
This might not be the best course of action for you, but it's what I'd do.
What if the cheater turns the table around and depicts you as the liar? You'd have to defend yourself, right? That happened to me so I had to look for proof - luckily I found a government document to prove it. The proof also saved the cheated from marrying the cheater.
When it comes to truth, we often shoot the messenger - and not the cause of the lies. A very sad reality. In the context of intimate relationships, the loyalty of the cheated often resides with the cheater in spite of the concern of her/his genuine friends.
I think if you hadn't told her and she found out you knew later she would hate you for not telling her. If she was really a true friend she would see that you were trying to prevent her from further magnified pain.
Otherwise she probably wasn't that good of a friend. Sounds to me more like a fair weather friend.
Good question... First thought, I think I'd be inclined not to say anything. How do you prove what you know? However, on second thought I would not be a happy bunny if a friend did not tell me... I'd never trust her again. So I guess based on that I would say something, and make sure I had proof.
I know you did the right thing. I would also like to know if it were me. Life is too short to waste on meaningless relationship(instead of living in a fools paradise). Honesty is the basis to any real relationship. Even if she does not appreciate it now, she will thank you later when all the dust has settled. At least you will have a clear conscience.
I appreciate all of the comments but it still does not change the fact that I lost a life long friend over this whole situation.
I still regret my decision to tell her. I'd rather know that I actually did something wrong to deserve losing my best friend.
Please don't judge me on how I feel, this happened months ago and we still have not talked. I'm moving on with my life.
None of our comments nor your regret could change what happened to you and your best friend.
I (and the others who posted) only responded to your question. We're not here to judge you and your feelings. What happened to you is something that also happened to others, with different circumstances, of course.
I replied and raised questions based on my experience. And so did the others. I'd like to think we're not here to invalidate each other's experiences and learned lessons.
Hopefully, your relationship with your friend will be repaired in due time.
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