A Pig In A Bag??? OMG.. In What Century did you hear that one?
I am sure that exact saying was promoted by witch doctors in the highlands of PNG. But with pigs being currency.. I don't think that they were allowed to Marry them, irrespective of the pig's sexual experiences
I think a better saying than the ones with pigs above is one my friend's mom always says: you wouldn't buy a pair of pants without trying them on first right? I understand that people have their religious beliefs and I fully respect that but I am sorry I could never marry someone I had not slept with beforehand. Talk about a weird and uncomfortable honeymoon. And sex might not be all there is to a relationship but it is a huge part of it and what if you are not sexually compatible? No there are too many obstacles in a marriage, especially now a days, without adding another one.
Nope. unless you are both not able to have it due to handicaps and you simply want her or him to get what you have when you die w/o taxes. You've read the stories of old, relic -type rich guys doing that with young firm & perky women.
I’d be extremely apprehensive of the suggestion. Anyone that advocates abstinence prior to marriage will invariably abstain as much as possible once they get married. In all probability, they would have a number of inhibitions surrounding the topic of sex. It would be unfortunate to find out you were incompatible on the most basic of levels after the fact.
If you have spent alot of time with this person like 2yrs. or better and this person grew on you to be more then just a friend. Not having sex is not the issue. The issue is can you trust him and did you spend enough time with this person to say I know why I want to marry him to know there aren't any hidden agenders as far as character. If you have sex or don't have sex before you get married doesn't matter if your heart melts for this person. If you fell in love enough to consider marriage before sex then marrying will only enhance your sex life or should. Being an adult is being open about what turns you on and to do that with your spouse is no better person to start with even if you want to do something freaky everyday or what ever. I teach who I love what I like to do in bed and encourage them to do the same, I also like to try new acts and positions to make the bedroom fresh everyday. You can have sex with your spouse before you get married you can still lose interest in each other. Its about spending the rest of your lives like you are dating for the first time. Also it's not the size of the boat its how you can rock it. They have pills for that now so you can't lose either way! Life is what you make it
kerryg- if sexual compatibility were the criteria for a suitable companionable marriage, then one needn't marry at all. Sex doesn't last forever and it certainly is not worth living with someone for 24/7/365.
Being a Christian, I think it is in your best interest to wait until you are married to have sex, but I know someone who did that, and this person got into the marriage bed and did not know what to do. Yes it is a sin to have premarital relations, but I also think God loves us no matter our sins, and I think He knows that we as humans would like to practice first, and that way the wedding night will be a success as opposed to a confusion. So in that sense, it may be healthier to have sex before you officially marry.
lovelife08 - getting into bed for the first time, whether married or not, one does not know what to do. The problem with most marriages is not whether or not sex was experienced pre-marriage, but that people don't really allow themselves to know one another first.
I can agree with that. But either way, if you get married, you want it to be a good wedding night. I would personally rather not know what I'm doing as a single and learn what to do before I get married, than not know what I'm doing once I'm married.
Love should make it a good wedding night. The sex is always good regardless of the standard of measurement when love and respect are the foundation of marriage. Officially marry? Is that a Christian principle? If you believe in an Almighty God as you suggest, and you follow Christian principles, you cannot have it both ways. Forgiveness of sins and love are certainly God's territory but the intentional sin and making one's own rules is throwing your superiority in God's face. At least from a Christian standpoint. Personally, I think whether 'officially' married or not married, sex before friendship and respect is a mistake.
Are you two seriously saying, with all the diversity of humanity and marriages, that after market parts should even matter? Isn't it difficult and rare enough to even find love (assuming that is why one marries) without accusing others of 'not being perfect' in some way?
I suppose it depends how strongly you are attracted to their personality and physically, I wouldn't be that bothered if they weren't that good in the sack as long as they made me feel happy in other ways.
I know that many of us raised in the Dark Ages were told that we should wait until we were married before engaging in sex for a myriad of reasons. One of the reasons that I was given had something to do with no one wanting to buy the package with the torn cellophane wrapper! Can you imagine using that reason on a teenager today? Although I can't condone hopping into bed with just anyone, I don't think it's wise to wait until after you are actually married. What if you aren't compatible? Sex is a big part of most marriages, especially when you are young, although it shouldn't be the only important thing. My own personal rule was not to go to bed with someone unless I was willing to have his child (with or without him). This narrowed the field way down. Fortunately I didn't wind up pregnant until after I was married.
why does everybody keep saying that since half of U.S. marriages end in divorce, don't even bother. Why not... hey, half the marriages make it..its worth a shot!
about the original question, if its wise or not to marry someone you haven't slept with... if your basing getting married to someone on their bedroom abilities, I would wonder if you should get married at all?
Agreed! Marriage is like forever although many may not agree nowadays. Sex only plays a small part in marriage. So, what if your partner is not able to have sex with you due to some circumstances? Divorce him/her? In that case, you are not in a marriage. What you want is just sex and sex.
AHAHA, Greek you are too funny but soo true. I knew I would get some mud slung at me below... Whatever. It's like with everything else you want in your life, you have to try it to see if you'll like it. I have my own morals and values and I was raised in my families religion but the last decision is mine to make no one else's. I am not going to wait til the day of my honeymoon to find out that my husband is a poor lover. Alot of marriages fail because of this. Marriage isn't only about communication and Religion, having that physical connection is a major as well if not they end up in divorce and affairs if everything doesn't click.
I was told..."If you're both true Christians....then you LEARN to love each other in ....... whichever way, however, however long it takes....... Hmmmmm I know a guy friend who kisses like a fish who married a girl -both virgins- who prob just lies there, and they pray first....iDK OMG.........
... I'm sorry, Christian here. If a man, even one I loved with all my heart, tried to get me into bed before I was married, I swear I'd clock him and run. Permanently. Not having sex with -anyone- before getting married isn't just for health's sake- it's a courtesy, a form of respect. You'll never have to worry, and you will be able to have complete faith in your partner if they have done the same.
All sins committed before accepting Christ are forgotten. Once we repent and ask for forgiveness, even after being saved, God literally "forgets" that we ever did anything. It's the ultimate in forgiveness. Afterwards, it is up to us to follow the path he has set out for us with his commandments.
My ex's mother took that view. She was a devout Christian, and she dumped every man who even hinted at sex before marriage. Finally, she married the one who never pressured her.
A few years later, he was cashiered out of the military for relations with a cadet. Then he sexually abused his only son.
I have a friend who also held out for a man who was willing to wait. On their wedding night, he confessed he was gay. She was Catholic and wasn't willing to divorce, even though the marriage was never consummated. She stuck by him for years and finally, nursed him until his death from AIDS.
I will never forget one of my staff members, who got drunk one night and confessed to me that she and her husband hadn't had sex for 20 years. As soon as their second child was born, he announced that their family was complete so there was no need for him to have sex with a woman any more.
The sexual appetite is very strong in all men, even devout ones. If a man truly loves you, he will respect your desire to wait - but a normal heterosexual man will find it a struggle to restrain himself. If waiting seems to be no effort for him, be suspicious.
Well, there are reasons for that. Most of them are because of the apostasy: the falling away. People are more concerned about what is on their outside than in their hearts. There's a difference in Christians that can easily be spotted: do they have religion, or a relationship? The ones who lose themselves over to those things for a large part are the ones who only want their religion there as a feel-good and a pretty accessory. The ones who truly have a relationship with God will make mistakes, but they repent and choose not to do them again instead of continuing to indulge. The fundamental difference is something you have to keep in mind when looking at "Christians."
most of them from apostasy? I knew several teens that got pregnant - there was a big scandal in the church each time with family shame etc. I even knew of a secret abortion. They got pregnant because they got caught up in the heat of the moment, and their parents had just said not to have sex, but they had no protection etc. Then there are the technical virgins - those that do everything but intercourse. Then there's those that are married while teenagers - so they can have sex and keep in line with their christian faith
As long as they're married, I have no objections. As far as the "technical virgin" thing, that's a load of bull. I don't care what excuses they want to come up with, the Bible says its wrong and they're trying to screw with it. No matter how much they wriggle or writhe or pick at things, they're wrong. T_T
I believe I read in the bible once, that if your planning to marry each other, it was acceptable to have sex with each other, f you couldn't wait and besides it was always acceptable for men to have many wives, concubines and slave girls in the old testament but the rules were different for women.
That's an interesting statement to make about health! Just exactly In WHAT WAY are you referring to? I think in all Honestly, if some girls thought like you in regards to a guy wanting 'to get them into bed' as you put it... then they would also have to also consider themselves Very Lucky!
Health, as in I don't have to worry about diseases, trauma, heartbreak, pregnancy and all the possible etc. I am convinced that no man that wishy-washy in the very basics or morals believes the same things I do. Believing the same things I do is crucial to me, because I refuse to have a house torn down the middle by religious differences. Even if attention is flattering, when I'm considering him as a life partner I don't want to have to wonder "Okay, how many chicks has he come on to like this?" I've seen enough engagements made and broken to last me a lifetime, thanks. I'm not trusting "engagement" or "promise" as enough to get into bed however much I love him.
I only wish that the last part of your statement were actually true. I think the odds may be lower for cheating under these circumstances, but don't think that virgin + virgin = faithfulness whether you are a Christian or not. I respect your feelings and agree with some of your reasons,but there is no one formula for guaranteed fidelity.
That's true. I'm not denying that. But there is a higher level of trust there; a "first," when you really cherish it, makes a huge impact on you when you actually give it to someone. Whenever we involve someone else in something, it always becomes a gamble; but the chances of "winning" are always higher with that formula, at the very least. ^^
I tend to agree with you that a person who remained a virgin until marriage probably does place a higher value on the significance of sharing themself with another in such a personal way. This may be a deterent to some of the impulsive behaviors that lead to infidelity which could tilt the odds in favor of remaining faithful, but if you, after marriage, find that you and your spouse are just not sexually compatible (which you had no way of knowing previously) that could affect your marriage negatively. Once a person is unhappy, the grass on the other side sometimes starts to look greener, and they start to wonder "what if"...
On the flip side, very often people who have had sexual experience prior to marriage are still able to be faithful once they are with someone they truly belong with. Very often affairs have little to do with sex - rather there is are other issues in the relationship that lead to discontent. My husband and I have a very high level of trust and we have both been married previously. One of the very reasons for us to stay true to each other is that we know first hand the pain caused by infidelity and divorce. That's a powerful motivator for us to be faithful.
Well, however you slice it, it still goes against what I believe. I won't rail on you because you believe differently, just so long as you don't try and say you believe in the same God I believe in. If you don't believe in my God, I can't expect you to follow the same rules. But God says that both fornication and adultery are against the law, and when we make the vow "til death do us part" he's serious about it. Divorced or not, in God's books sleeping with anyone else would be seen as adultery. I hold to these beliefs, but I'm not saying anyone else has to.
Kajitaka, you forget about the many health benefits of sex, which these virginal people deny themselves year after year.
Virginity is associated with "respect" only because of certain assumptions and stereotypes in certain cultural communities. Get rid of those assumptions, and suddenly sex is just another activity like any other. No big deal.
Much of this discussion is moot in the United States anyway, since over 90% of all Americans have sex outside of marriage, mostly before marriage. The emphasis on virginity is just a colossal exercise in futility for no actual purpose.
Says you, hon. And any health benefit you might mention is the same thing one can receive from exercise. I won't continue to haggle with you about this, because even your name states that you'd be a thorn in my side. T_T
I was of legal age as they say when I lost my virginity and I was madly inlove with my first. It was very special to me, thats why I waited so long, it felt right for me to share that part of myself for the first time with him. I am just so thankful that we weren't married because when he became abusive I was able to just walk away and not have to deal with the law.
This story is a good example of when people put so much pressure on sex, and weight it down with so many expectations, it often results in distress and pain. Sex is not love, it is just an animal act. Thinking that it is more than that will always lead to problems because sex can never live up to those expectations.
I think it's rather naive not to try out a partner first, but that being said, I sometimes think it would be kinda neat if hubby nor I had ever "been with" anyone else.
Sex is soooo important when you're younger, so you need to be sure you're compatible physically. When you get a little older, you find that other things are just as important. That's been my experience, anyway.
I think you should know your partner not just emotionally and mentally, but physically as well. That doesn't necessarily mean to try everything in that sense before marriage, but just to know them further. Love isn't all about sex.
No surprise that I have a different view on this? Historically in many places it was normal to prove that the couple could get pregnant first, then marry. Then the church got involved and decided to make sex a sin (out of pure spite apparently) - this led to all the deep repression and weirdness surrounding sex.
But sex being in the forefront of the western brain and continually stimulated by the media - pornography piddling out of every media orifice etc., is a new situation and like the response of total abandonment that came with the collapse of christianity, an appropriate response to today's rampant visual sexuality would be to return to some value and responsibility by reserving sex for engagement at least. The current situation displays more than a whiff of the whore and paying client about it, with little value and much harm to relationships generally.
I don't support any moral value judgement - but I do think the current sexual situation displays some degrading of both parties and everyone associated with them.
I think it depends on the person and the relationship. There is a lot more to marriage than sex, and sex isn't as important to some as it is to others. I think it should certainly be discussed but if you want to wait till after marriage, by all means wait. But if the one you're with can't respect that, you're with the wrong one.
That's a legitimate personal preference about the kind of person one wants to be with.
What is not legitimate is "respecting" someone as a person based solely on their private sexual choices. A man should respect or not respect a woman based on her personality, honesty, accomplishments, intelligence and goals. The harmless activities she takes pleasure in are irrelevant when it comes to "respect."
I have a hell of a lot more respect for a woman who might have fucked 100 men in her life, while building a successful business, contributing to medical research and establishing a charity than some "pure" woman with no work ethic and no drive who marries her prom date and works as a waitress for the rest of her life.
I suppose my priorities are a little different than other people's.
I hear what your saying secularist10. I wouldn't care up to maybe 200 and as long as the person was disease free and wasn't going to die on me anytime soon... and also truly did love me and only me. Gene Simmons supposedly had 4000+ and his wife Shannon Tweed loves him to death! So it goes without sayin'
Most men and women would prefer multiple partners, in the absence of various social and cultural conditioning. Maybe not dozens, but at least a few. That is pretty much universal. It's an adaptation to give our genes the best shot possible at making it into the next generation.
Yes, sex and love must be separated. One can have sex without love, and love without sex. Confusing the two always seems to cause problems. Gene Simmons' secret to success with women can be summed up: rock star + the tongue.
well, you can tell if sex is good if the kiss tastes good and you laugh with abandon.
sex is just a portrait of the relationship and the mingling of compatible chemicals. If he smells bad, don't marry him.sex will be bad too. If he tastes bad, don't marry him. Life with him will be bad too. If he's not funny...sex will be boring.
so yes, you can marry someone you have never had sex with. Sex is a mirror of couple's relationship. When the relationship is bad and the sex is good, it is actually the kind of relationship you are looking for. When the relationship is good and the sex is bad. You are actually not honest with yourself.
Honestly, the best part was waiting for the honeymoon. I think its like a gift you are waiting to give each other. If you meet and marry the person you want to be with for the res of your life then everything else falls into place.
In a society that wants everything available to them immediately there is nothing left worth waiting for. More people I know seem unhappy because there is nothing left to surprise them.
I guess I look at it a little different, but then again I love surprises. Part of the joy of living for me.
But seriously, I am sorry to hear you are in a funk. If it helps, tomorrow when you see the sun shine for the first time say "I am so grateful for the day." It sure can change outlook when your start in the frame of mind that is grateful for they day. Something I really am reminding myself to do as well. Thank you for the reminder, we all need to be reminded of that fact.
I am truly grateful for your comment too. Thank you.
A buddy asked me if I talk to my wife[now ex]after sex.I said"Sure,if there's a phone handy"! I over heard to women talking about sex.The first asked"Do you smoke after sex"?Her friend replied"I don't know,I never looked"!When I was married,my wife always made me ask if I could do some"Laundry"[a code word]rather than "Sex" so our kids wouldn't know.Late one night she asked me if I had any"Laundry"to do.I said"Not any more,It was a small load so I did it buy Hand"! "It's not the Size of the ship,it's the motion of the ocean"...Ya,but you wouldn't go out in hurricane if all you had was a Canoe either...hmmm "A pessimist thinks All women are Bad!An optimist Hopes they Are"!...which are you?HA!
What if on the wedding night they crawl in bed and when she excites him "fully." she says OMG! It's so tiny! ...Who are ya gonna satisfy with that? ....and he replies;.....ME!!!! Oh, Oh......!!! Now what? Hmmmm? Qwark
N-O spells NO!!! Of course not. What if the person is horrible in bed?! Now of course hopefully you can "rehabilitate" them, but wouldn't you rather iron all that out before making a lifetime commitment?
wise? I find this question kinda funny. If the standard of finding someone to marry would be based on one's satisfaction with someone in bed, then we should be printing out free taste ticket rather that business cards.
If I am an 18 yr old male, that would be a heaven on earth for me. But I don't think that's a good thing for girls. I imagine myself sending out free ticket taste to the good looking boys in the world. And before I knew it, I'm already one of the bad fruit nobody wants to buy and that was not so wise at all.
My question is, what matters more to you? Having a best friend for life, or a sex friend for life? Coz after a few months, sex ain't going to keep your marriage going, but a good friendship and understanding will. Best to focus on that before marriage, rather than whether they are good in bed or not.
I think that since we are a sexual species (male, female), sex is extremely important in a relationship. I think that most men have a healthy sex drive (and women I hope) and will agree that they plan on having sex with whoever they marry a lot and till the day they die. Hell, if it weren't for the sex, I don't know if I would even be interested in women at all. It's just the way most men are programmed. I'm not gay or anything, but besides the sex, there isn't really anything else I would want in a woman. If there were literally no such thing as sex, therefore no sex drive, I would probably be with a man, and this is coming from a guy who is constantly aroused and interested in the female form. The only thing I dislike is men and women who will have sex with anything, or not even that, but have low standards. I honestly can't have sex with someone unless I'm crazy about them.
I think if you are truly in love with someone, then whether you have had sex or not before marriage should not be an issue. Unless, someone believes that it is impossible to love someone with whom sex isn't very good. A relationship should be about more than sex, and waiting until marriage would surely be a good thing. It makes it that much more special. Not that there is anything wrong with sex before marriage, but if that is all a relationship is based upon, then it probably won't last.
Another tyranny of the modern age is the common misapprehension that other people are having better sex then you. It doesn't seem to matter what age, race or creed you are, nor whether you have been given the title of Mr Universe and have a certificate to prove your unmatched prowess, there will still be the niggling suspicion that someone, somewhere is lighting up the bedroom like it's new-year's eve 1999. We all like to convince ourselves that sex, like sport, can be improved if only we'd put in the time and energy. This works a treat for the magazine industry, perfume manufacturers, clothing labels, keep-fit clubs, record labels and so forth, who can all sell you a promise that they are the missing ingredient to your sexual salvation. None of them want to tell you the beautiful and mysterious truth, (why would they) that you should find someone you love, respect and honor, commit to them and spend the rest of your life getting good at it. What is the alternative? You find someone you love but ditch them when the sex is a bit crap? Then find someone else and discover the same thing? How many times is it ok to do that? Plus, you are setting a condition upon marriage which is that the sex had better be good or else. Sex is not a competitive sport. Sex should not be a condition of love.
You know at one time I would have said no - But NOW for love yes I could really could do that, after all I have been celibate waiting for the right guy before having sex for almost years - "So if he wanted to wait yes I would,But maybe a chance I would rape him at this point.
But NO it would not be the end of the world for me if sex was not fireworks, They make such great toys these days there really is no reason any woman needs to depend on just him for a climax anyhow.
The best recommendation you gave yourself. It depends on you!!! You ultimately have to live with whatever decision you make.
My personal experience covered both and each was right at the time. For both of the women it was a second marriage. With one we agreed that religion and faith rule the day. I have only one regret with that one and it has nothing to to with making love. My regret was the inability to let her know how much I loved her before she died. She truly was the love of my life. Both in bed and out.
The second was consummated before marriage. We were both experienced and had been without for too long. Both being Christians we paid a high price for our actions, we were shunned by our fellowship until we were married. We were also told that if we didn't show up to be shunned we would be excommunicated. This breaking of the rules, the punishment, and the true forgiveness shown by the members of the fellowship, made my faith stronger so it ended up being a good thing for me in this situation.
Ultimately the decision is yours, so let it be yours, don't let yourself be lead into anything you don't feel ready for.
If you had it to do over again would you wait until you were married or did you wait?There seems to have been a growing trend in waiting these past few years and was just wondering if you didn't wait and had it to do...
A happy, fulfilling, and successful marriage is supposed to be lifetime where the couple grow together in loving, understanding and caring for each other. Likewise, ideally, they learn from each other and reciprocate...