jump to last post 1-48 of 48 discussions (145 posts)

Haven't dated in two years

  1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
    Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years ago

    I've taken to being deliberately single and isolated for quite a while. I'm finally getting to the point where I want to allow love into my life again, but talking to someone I'm actually interested in has become such a foreign concept. I'm somewhat social, but I feel I'm kind of at a loss as to what I should do first to transit back to allowing myself to be emotionally available. I can't seem to stop putting my defenses up. Any advice would be welcome.

    1. profile image0
      paulgcposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Before you can love another you must first begin to love yourself. When you finally love yourself then the vibes you emit will be picked up by a suitable lover and then you can love together.

      When i was on the shelf it was a lonely place but instead of considering myself as surplus stock i put myself in the discount section and within weeks i had been purchased by my now fiance of 9 nearly ten years.

      To sum up, don't sell yourself short and learn to love yourself.

      hope this helps.

      1. rebekahELLE profile image89
        rebekahELLEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        that's a great way to say it. love that.

      2. dejajolie profile image56
        dejajolieposted 8 years agoin reply to this
    2. hoodieweather profile image58
      hoodieweatherposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      It's been over a year for me. I feel the same way as you do. It's a hard road to travel. Good luck though. I'm sure someone will come about.

    3. LiamBean profile image88
      LiamBeanposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds like you need to work yourself back into it slowly. If I were you, and I was at one time very much like you, I would start attending more social situations to get those skills fine-tuned again.

      If things work out you'll meet someone before you know it...just trying to hone those skills again.

      Best of luck to you. My advice is don't try too hard.

    4. prettydarkhorse profile image63
      prettydarkhorseposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      "I'm finally getting to the point where I want to allow love into my life again, but talking to someone I'm actually interested in has become such a foreign concept."

      Why is this so? Examine yourself why is this so?

      Do you think you are really ready? hmmmmm, let yourself get into socialization process again, are you open to internet dating? then you can scour and free to communicate with anybody, just be careful. If not, then go to places to look for prospective ones, same interest as yours, bookstore, church??? coffee shops?

    5. profile image0
      cosetteposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      i'm the same way, but i'm really fine with that. i have been hurt and just don't want to be hurt again. of course i have hurt others too..trampled on their hearts...i am just not interested in love or romance at this stage of the game. too labor intensive wink

      good luck though on your journey.

      i am a rock simon and garfunkel

    6. rebekahELLE profile image89
      rebekahELLEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      hey, nice to see your face smiling out to the world. big_smile
      it looks like you've received some helpful advice and hope our input has helped. I really like what scottlife said and it sounds good to me. fluid is natural. and yes, most women are attracted to a man who looks approachable, open and genuine. 

      most of the time we're not thinking what you think we're thinking.
      we're all alike in the respect that we want to be acknowledged whether it be with a smile, a glance or a hello.

      the same way you may want to say hello is the same way we want you to say hello, and sometimes we make it easier by giving the eye contact, the smile, or the hello. best to you jonathan. smile

    7. profile image0
      Ghost32posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'd like to be able to help, Jonathan, but have to confess I'm admirably unqualified.  Regarding my 7 marriages to date (Pam and I've been together 13 years now and are still hooked at the hip), the longest I ever spent between serious relationships was about 5 months.  Never really dated 'em, just married 'em.

      At least (fortunately or unfortunately) you do seem to have plenty of other foks on this thread who are willing to give advice from every angle.  The only suggestion I might add would be to first figure out what the dickens it is YOU really want.  I know that was often a key for me. 

      Example:  After Divorce #3 (my roughest marriage by far), I thought inwardly, "Well, I dunno if there's another woman out there for me or not, but if there is, I surely hope it's one who knows enough to give me an insight or two regarding the physical aspect(s) of the relationship".  Once I had that thought clearly in mind, Wife-to-be  #4 popped up within weeks--and brother, did she ever give me an education! big_smile

    8. profile image0
      zampanoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      get drunk

      1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
        Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        actually, I finally reigned in my drinking the last few months

        1. profile image0
          zampanoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Sometimes it's good for you.
          Like just shaking a bit your nervous system
          In any case it sould NEVER be systematic "therapy"
          cheers man
          get her.

    9. profile image0
      directsaurabhposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I don't know what advice can I give you as I am also single till now at 24. I never had any gf. I could only say that Just live your normal life and wait for proper opportunity to come. Thanks

  2. shamelabboush profile image68
    shamelabboushposted 8 years ago

    You should open up to life more often and dust off that rust on your heart... Everything will be alright!

  3. profile image0
    L. Andrew Marrposted 8 years ago

    Jump in at the deep end.

    Either that or become an introvist.

    =]

    Luke.

  4. myownworld profile image80
    myownworldposted 8 years ago

    'single and isolated for a while'....hmm...sounds like a dream!

    1. shamelabboush profile image68
      shamelabboushposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      are you?

      1. myownworld profile image80
        myownworldposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        lol...do I sound like it?!! (married and suffocated more like it!) wink

        1. shamelabboush profile image68
          shamelabboushposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          You shouldn't be! marriage is great in some ways smile

          1. myownworld profile image80
            myownworldposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            hey, let's not jump from the pan into the fire!
            there is a middle way that I'm implying: simply being in a relationship.
            full stop.
            best of both worlds! wink

            (Smile @ poppa)

        2. profile image0
          Justine76posted 8 years agoin reply to this

          HA, sorry I missed this thread earlier
          hey ther My Own World...
          girl after my own heart...
          My only biggest piece of advice
          Live your life as best you can, be yourself, no matter what.

    2. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      If you're married and frustrated, you might find this difficult to relate to, but being single and frustrated kinda sucks, too.

      1. myownworld profile image80
        myownworldposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        let's swap lives for a while...and see how it goes! wink

        1. Black Lilly profile image61
          Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          If you're that unhappy - why don't you just dump your husband and get a life?
          What if he reads your posts?

        2. Jonathan Janco profile image69
          Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          I don't think I'd like your husband much, either.

          1. myownworld profile image80
            myownworldposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            lol

  5. Wonder_Woman profile image54
    Wonder_Womanposted 8 years ago

    defenses are commen to everyone.
    Just open up enough to show who you are
    if people dont like it move on
    its fine being different if we were all the same how boring would that be? dont be afriad to show what you are about
    i put my character out there without no masks or bs, im pretty blunt about things and i dont care if some people dont like it, i found others who respect it.

  6. profile image0
    L. Andrew Marrposted 8 years ago

    Hang on, I feel like that wasn't very helpful.

    Carpe Diem

    Jump in there at the deep end. If things go toots up then just pick yourself up, laugh about it and build a metaphorical bridge.

    Become an ironist. Not to the extreme side of laughing at everything but just enough that you don't care what people think. That way you can preserve your confidence.

    I hope that's better.

    Luke

  7. profile image0
    lynnechandlerposted 8 years ago

    Hmmm...got you beat on this one. It's been 5 years and counting. Matter of fact just had the 5 yr anniversary a week ago.

    It is lonely and hard but it is what I have chosen for myself. If you are ready to dip your toes back into the pond, go slowly and tread water for a while. I don't know your exact situation but if it were me that is how I would handle it.

  8. Black Lilly profile image61
    Black Lillyposted 8 years ago

    Do you mean a more or less serious relationship here, or just dating?

    1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      What I mean is, in two yrs I haven't been in a relationship, dated anyone or even gone on a single 'date'. I haven't even pursued anyone. Like I said, deliberately isolated.

      1. Black Lilly profile image61
        Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        And why did you punish yourself so hard? what's the reason behind it?

        1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
          Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Well, there were a variety of problems. i.e., drinking too much, harboring emotions from past exp., not to mention my fair share of insecurities that I should've dealt with earlier. Being alone for so long allowed me to get some clarity on what to do for myself, but I thought that was the hard part. Turns out it was much easier than reintroducing myself to the world.

          1. Black Lilly profile image61
            Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            A brave answer.
            As I can see your posts made a sharp change recently - you became much more interested in dating. Why? Answering that question may help you answer what you really want, what's behind it.

            1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
              Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this
          2. tantrum profile image61
            tantrumposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            Step back into the world without introducing yourself. Let it run smooth. Don't stress yourself about it. And over all that BE YOURSELF ! You'll find your niche, don't worry !

          3. Mark Knowles profile image60
            Mark Knowlesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            If you go looking you will not find. If you relax and be yourself - it will find you. Take a deep breath, relax and go see what turns up. With a smile in your heart and open to the possibility - something will - I guarantee it.

            Might not be what you were expecting but.......... smile

            1. shamelabboush profile image68
              shamelabboushposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              You just explained my point above smile I think it's a given. Love finds you.

            2. profile image0
              Revive@OwnRiskposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              I have to agree with Mark. Having been in two marriages and lots of love heart ache, I think this is the best advice I've gotten and seen it to be most helpful.

              I would also add that you become the love you seek. Instead of searching for something you can't find, become what you want to find. As you do that, the right people always shows up at the right time.

  9. rebekahELLE profile image89
    rebekahELLEposted 8 years ago

    sometimes you just have to get over the first hurdle and then it's not so hard. go to the places where you may be able to casually strike up a conversation. starbucks, barnes and noble, cozy cafes.
    you can use the book they're reading for a starter into a conversation. it has worked for me and if they're not interested or too into their book, nothing lost. theres never anything wrong with being friendly.

    think about where you like to go and meet those kind of people.
    smile  isolation can be good for a while then you need to get back out there and just be you.

  10. shamelabboush profile image68
    shamelabboushposted 8 years ago

    I think if you look for love you won't find it. The best way to find it is to stop thinking about it. Love will find you when you least expect it.

  11. profile image0
    Poppa Bluesposted 8 years ago

    The advantage to being single and isolated for a length of time is you get to discover who you really are and what you really want. In that time you no doubt discovered the things you are passionate about. Don't focus on any one person, focus instead on those things that give you pleasure and seek others that share your passion. Love will find you! Good luck!

    1. myownworld profile image80
      myownworldposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      now that's a man after my own heart! well said poppa! smile

      1. profile image0
        Poppa Bluesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Well thank you my dear! It's a lesson I learned the hard way so maybe someone can benefit from my experience!

  12. wsp2469 profile image60
    wsp2469posted 8 years ago

    Talk to women online first.  Be witty and charming online and be yourself.  Then tell her when you meet you find it hard to be witty and charming while getting lost in her beautiful eyes.  Seriously, they eat that sh@t up if you can make it the least bit sincere.

    1. Black Lilly profile image61
      Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      You wouldn't want to know what kind of so called "sh@t" you eat up yourself...

      1. tantrum profile image61
        tantrumposted 8 years agoin reply to this
      2. Jonathan Janco profile image69
        Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Actually, the kind of women I tend take interest in never fall for that kind of crap.

      3. wsp2469 profile image60
        wsp2469posted 8 years agoin reply to this

        I'm not sure how to take that but I am only sharing a successful method with him: a mix of sincerity and flattery.

  13. Black Lilly profile image61
    Black Lillyposted 8 years ago

    Mark, smile in your heart and open to possibility? Is it really that easy? If you one get that, job done - there'll be definitely a line waiting for you.

    1. Mark Knowles profile image60
      Mark Knowlesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      LOL

      Umm Thanks. Easy? Not so sure that is easy........ But there was a line - I am spoken for now. wink

  14. profile image59
    C.J. Wrightposted 8 years ago

    Remember, being alone isn't the same as being lonely.
    Date a lot of women.  Find these women in places you have never looked.  In other words, if you previously met women in bars, don't. Take a class in cooking, creative writing, etc. Join a health club.  The idea is to meet people on purpose. Put yourself in position to meet people you are likely to have something in common with. Just Keep it light, let things progress naturally

  15. Jonathan Janco profile image69
    Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years ago

    I like the advice about 'being yourself' and not looking for love, consciously. And it's not so much that I'm looking, as such, but having been alone for so long I have trouble interacting. Women try to talk to me almost everywhere I go and I can't seem to help myself from completely withdrawing or putting up barriers. Then, of course, I walk away and say to myself, 'Why did I do that?'

    1. profile image0
      Poppa Bluesposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'd say probably fear. You're entering a place that you haven't seen in some time and you're not sure of what to expect. Be yourself. Talk about the things that you enjoy and seek common interest. We sometimes forget the opposite sex are still just people, and we all have that in common.

      1. Danielle Farrow profile image79
        Danielle Farrowposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        I think that LisaHW's comments are very well thought-out, particularly her questions to you.  These relate to Poppa Blues above response - a fine one, in my opinion.

        You are noticing your behaviour once you have walked away - are you able to intercept yourself earlier, as it were? If you can become self-aware while in the situation, you can note your thoughts and feelings.  Fear is a very likely response - you are unused to this situation, you seem to have expectations of others and of yourself now that you are interested in interacting again. These expectations are probably helping to raise insecurities.

        Part of the 'be yourself and let things flow, without forcing' advice you liked is about releasing expectations.  You could well be afraid that any response you make to a woman will be: inappropriate; needy; too forward; not clear enough; misunderstood.  All these fears and more may be streaming through your mind at, well, the speed of thought.

        If you can become aware of your thoughts / fears in situ, you may be able to deal with them, either then and there, or examining them later, after that walk away.

        Also mentioned, and worth a repeat, I think, is the idea of looking into yourself for whatever you feel is missing. If you are missing this, others probably are as well - see if giving / expressing what you would like and offering it to others helps.

        We can make things happen for ourselves sometimes - it is always worth a try. You have made this happen - people expressing themselves and offering their support, experience and humour.

        Thank you for this, Jonathan, and all the very best to you!

    2. rebekahELLE profile image89
      rebekahELLEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      it sounds like you have your heart in the right place and that's the important part, you will attract the right people, obviously, they are making their appearance in your life. I've done the same thing, walking right through an opportunity.

      take every opportunity to be out around people, the more you're out, the more confidence you will gain.

      1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
        Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        A helpful response . . . but
        the flip side to that is (I experienced this when I was working in the bar scene) making yourself so widely available can be draining when you consider how needy and clingy some people can be.

        1. Colebabie profile image59
          Colebabieposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Oh yeah, rule those people out. Its just a matter of making yourself visible but then really only spending quality time with the people you are interested in and have fun with.

          1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
            Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            I suppose that was the response I should've expected.

            1. Colebabie profile image59
              Colebabieposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              Well it is easier said than done smile I know that.

        2. rebekahELLE profile image89
          rebekahELLEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          sorry, I'll make myself clearer. in your everyday life, just be open to the opportunities. not so much thinking in terms of going out to meet someone, but being out in your daily life being open to the attention a woman may give you. wink

          1. Lisa HW profile image78
            Lisa HWposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            Jonathan wrote: 

            ".... making yourself so widely available can be draining when you consider how needy and clingy some people can be."


            Jonathan, your "needy and clingy" remark may be, I think, at the root of your "issues".  I thought twice about posting the response to it (that I had when I read it), but in the interest of honestly hoping to be helpful somehow (besides, being "needy and clingy" is a common, gender-neutral, relationship issue), I decided to respond...   It struck me that you assume there's far more "needy and clingy" people percentage-wise than there really is.  Both women and men can be needy and clingy, but that's not most of either sex.  "Needy and clingy" usually shows up fairly soon in a dating relationship, at which time you slow things down or end it.  If you're one of the many guys who has it in his head that most women are needy and clingy that's just misguided.  I'm not saying any of the following "guesses" necessarily apply to you, but it may not hurt to ask yourself where the "needy/clingy" concerns come from.

            One possibility is that you could someone who is projecting onto "the rest of the world" traits that you, yourself, have.  We often have a tendency to think everyone else is like we are.  I'm not saying this is the case with you and "needy and clingy" - only saying it's a question to ask yourself.

            Something else that can go on is that one person thinks if the other wants any kind of emotional support back that's being "needy and clingy".  This is someone who isn't interested in a 50/50 relationship when it comes to "emotional giving".  Some people have a pretty low bar when it comes to what they think "emotional giving" is, though.  A high bar may be the person who wants both parties to always be baring their soul and re-hashing absolutely everything that bothers them.  A low bar would be the person who thinks being expected to talk civilly whether or not he's in a bad mood is too much.  Whether someone wants a relationship to be "all about emotional giving" from the other person and not about giving anything back; or about "nobody gets too involved with anybody else and nobody expects anything back from the other person" is a question people need to ask.   The former type of person may just be egotistical and self-centered (or just too wrapped up in his own problems/issues to be willing/able to offer anything back).  The latter may be incapable of having a relationship.  Neither should expect more than just casual dating, because casual dating doesn't require being "relationship material".

            Then, too, if the women you say are talking to you are obviously hitting on you, chances are they're sending vibes that, to you, say "a little too forward and 'proactive' for my tastes.  Could be a sign of leaning toward clingy or needy."  If you're misinterpreting "just being friendly" with "hitting on you", though, then you could be reacting the same way as if they were hitting on you.  That goes back to why so many people think it works best when the guy sees someone he finds attractive and is the one who initiates the conversation and the invitation for a date.  You could just be one of the many, many, men who don't think it's very appealing for a woman to be the one who "hits on" you (no matter what is believed socially acceptable these days). If that's the case it explains why you "shut down" when women talk to you.

            1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
              Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              A very long response, but I just had to answer it. The 'needy and clingy' remark is something I drew from my own experiences working in the service industry. I met a lot of people when working in the bars (not necessarily women, in fact, more often they were men)that simply look for a sympathetic person to lean on. Most of the time, I'm willing at first to offer the kind of support the person needs, but when it's all give and no receive after a while, it gets very draining. This is not a reflection on my dating experiences, but my social life in general. Of course, it's not all that negative, just a negative aspect. As a result, I've become very picky about what social functions I participate in. Furthermore, I never assume that a woman is hitting on me just because she's talking to me. In fact, it's hard not to assume the opposite since most of the women I've dated were, at first, extremely shy and guarded around me.

    3. Lisa HW profile image78
      Lisa HWposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I wonder if you're walking away because you know that a woman's talking to you doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you as a date?  I've always talked to all kinds of men, and all kinds of men talk to me; but much of the time it's just about one person being friendly toward another.  Maybe "just walking away" is actually the socially appropriate thing to do in a lot of those cases?  In other words, maybe you're misinterpreting your own social skills as "withdrawing".

      I think when it comes to dates the person interested in setting up a date has to be the one to initiate the conversation.  That could be talking again to one of those women who have already talked to you, or it could mean striking up a conversation with a woman you're interested in.

      1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
        Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Maybe I was unclear. I walk away not from the situation but from wherever I am to my next destination. That is when I question my behavoir. I don't walk away from the social situations that I described. I walk away from the location and wonder why I wasn't more open to a conversation. I get nervous when women talk to me and apparently it's very noticeable. I often get hit with social-escape phrases like 'sorry to bother you' or 'didn't mean to scare you' and such. I worry sometimes that I'm so deep in my shell that I often don't realize I'm in one.

  16. Colebabie profile image59
    Colebabieposted 8 years ago

    Most people don't find their love in a bar or a club. It is just a matter of going out with friends (meeting new ones) and getting introduced to some pretty amazing people. It is about being yourself and being with a group of people that make you comfortable. As long as you love yourself first and put that energy out there, through a friendship you will find love.

    1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Couldn't agree more with that. Even when I worked in a bar I tried not to date the women I met there. 'Tried not to', meaning I still occasionally got seduced.

  17. Lisa HW profile image78
    Lisa HWposted 8 years ago

    Maybe I'm over-simplifying things, but I think you shouldn't think in terms of "dating" and "relationships" - and, instead, just think in terms of asking the person you like out for lunch, coffee, or dinner; and take it from there.  Things will either go well or not.  If they don't go well you haven't risked a whole lot.  If they do then the next step will just follow naturally.

    When was young kid and would get aggravated at my little brother my mother used to say, "Boys are just like you.  He's not some 'thing'.  Boys have feelings just like girls do.  They're people too."  When I grew up to have two sons (and a daughter) I saw exactly what my mother was saying, of course.  Well, in your case (or in the case of any of the zillions of guys who seem uncomfortable with asking someone out), I'd say switch around my mother's advice, replacing "boys" with "women" - and keep in mind that women are people, just like you.   It's not a big deal to just ask another person out for coffee or dinner.  smile  I sometimes think we live in a world with too much analysis, too many buzz-words, and too much self-focus when it comes to relationships.  Phrases like "emotionally available" could suggest you're a victim of this thinking.  (Again, maybe oversimplifying, but) You start with "being attracted to", move on to "liking", and decide from there whether "loving" is a possibility.  Sometimes how "emotionally available" someone is depends on the other person in the equation.  When it depends, instead, on you; only you know if you're ready for just a date or a relationship.  Then, too, not all women are looking for more than "just a date" either.  Finding out whether they or not is what coffee or dinner dates are for.  smile

  18. blue dog profile image73
    blue dogposted 8 years ago

    jonathan, in your search for heaven on earth, here's a suggestion:

    http://hubpages.com/hub/In-Search-of-Ms-Perfect

  19. Bard of Ely profile image88
    Bard of Elyposted 8 years ago

    I have the same problem but in my case its six years so I can't help!

  20. Flightkeeper profile image73
    Flightkeeperposted 8 years ago

    Take my advice, blow some money on strippers and booze.  That'll get you started.

    1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Been there, done that. A few times.

  21. hoodieweather profile image58
    hoodieweatherposted 8 years ago

    I find myself in a constant battle with myself. I want to be in a relationship but I forget how hard it is to be in a relationship. Which makes me not want to be in one. But sometimes I get really lonely and I want a woman to comfort me but I don't want to put in the time and effort in a relationship. Uh whoah, circles.

    smile

    1. Black Lilly profile image61
      Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Honestly, somehow it looks as if I'm missing a point here.
      Are you really saying that being alone is easier than being in a relationship?

      1. hoodieweather profile image58
        hoodieweatherposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        My last post didn't really have a point. Yes, being in a relationship is hard and being alone is hard too. I just don't know. Hence, circles.

  22. Black Lilly profile image61
    Black Lillyposted 8 years ago

    It just never occurred to me that being in a relationship is hard...

    1. rebekahELLE profile image89
      rebekahELLEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      hmmm, are you or have you been in a serious, committed relationship?  of course, they can be hard.

      1. Aya Katz profile image82
        Aya Katzposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        NZUNG SERAPHINE, a fellow hubber, has written a really interesting hub explaining that it's much easier if you choose someone you really want to have the relationship with, as opposed to someone who just happens to be available. Her hub is specifically about marriage, but I think it would apply to any committed relationship. It talks about physical compatibility.

        1. rebekahELLE profile image89
          rebekahELLEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          you hit the nail on the head, aya. 'someone who just happens to be available.' I know women who are dating and in relationships only because they don't want to be alone and they are not happy.
          I think that's a real waste of time. life is short.

      2. Black Lilly profile image61
        Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Currently I'm enjoying freedom, but yes - longest relationship lasted for 9 years.
        What I can not understand is this: why on Earth you should involve into something hard? Constantly?? Voluntarily???
        Relationship is pleasure, though has its ups and downs (these do not involve domestic violence or any other form of torture). We get into that because we want it, right?

    2. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Why wouldn't it be . . . pls share, Lilly, we are all very curious.

      1. Black Lilly profile image61
        Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Ok. We all (hopefully) have jobs, right? We engage in activities, some of them we like more, some less. Sometimes we hate work, because it's hard, and I bet majority of us would not work if given choice. Just we need money, and so we sell part of our time in exchange for it. If work gets hard, we complain, hate it, etc, but we know we MUST get back and still do it.
        Now a relationship - why should that be hard or (as in previous posts) compared to work?! If I want to be in a relationship, I get into one. If not - what should I need it in the first place?
        For social status? Like, the age comes to be in a relationship, so I must get into one, or my mom tells I should settle down and have kids, or what? That's just a question of attitude.
        For support? You can get friends for that.
        For sex? Oh thanks - plenty of that on offer, just choose. You can also combine earning money and pleasure, if you become a "freelance prostitute" big_smile
        For spending time? I know such couples, but this is ridiculous. Become a fundraiser for charity or sign up for cookery course if you have too much free time.
        For something else? Name it.

        When you get a relationship as a substitute for something else, I believe it might be hard. And again, if it IS hard, why should I want to do it? Despite that, I admit being trapped a few times.

        The idea is very simple - I get with someone because I choose so. And why should I choose something that does not give me pleasant experiences? Why should I choose the hard way? I mean, voluntarily - why?

  23. hoodieweather profile image58
    hoodieweatherposted 8 years ago

    It's definitely work. I wouldn't want a relationship that's simple and easy. To me that would be boring. I'd want to go through all the good and bad times with my partner. When something is broke, fix it. It'll only make you stronger.

    smile

    1. Black Lilly profile image61
      Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Oh excuse me - I want to be happy and content, not strong(er). And relationship = work??? No way...

      1. hoodieweather profile image58
        hoodieweatherposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Everybody wants to be happy and content. Wouldn't you say that to get there you need to put in work and effort? You said yourself relationships have ups and downs. That's where the work comes into play. Anyways, I'll leave it at that and end with a nifty quote from a song-

        "Nothing good comes easily, sometimes you got to fight..."

  24. rebekahELLE profile image89
    rebekahELLEposted 8 years ago

    saw your last post and wanted to add something before I leave the computer for a while,

    no one goes into a relationship voluntarily believing it's going to be constantly hard as was stated before. but anyone who says they have been in a serious, committed relationship without ups and downs is not being honest, or the relationship was strictly surface level, meaning focused on physical pleasures.

    also depends on what is defined as hard? something that involves work or that may be considered hard at times is certainly not bad!
    working at a relationship is investing in your happiness and fulfillment. the implication that work is something to be avoided is selfish in itself, I believe.  anything worth having and preserving requires maintenance, upkeep, reflection, fine-tuning. smile

    1. Black Lilly profile image61
      Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      And that's the core: I honestly believe, that a true relationship does not need CONSCIOUSLY investing time and horrenduous effort. It just happens, flows, because you like and enjoy it. Conscious investment is hard, because it's simply a bit fake.
      I've been investing too much in my life I think. And now, during my first months of being single EVER (since about 14-15), I chose not to invest anymore. It either flows how I want it to flow, or... well, I like cats, cactusses and don't like kids smile
      All or nothing, no compromise. And I know I will get it the way I want it. Just because I will not settle for less (you can bet on it).

  25. GeneralHowitzer profile image81
    GeneralHowitzerposted 8 years ago

    That's good man but sooner or later you need to move on hehehe... its lonely being alone all the time you know... 'm sure you'll find the right girl for you I hope heheheh smile

  26. profile image0
    Scott.Lifeposted 8 years ago

    Jonathan Just be Fluid man big_smile. I would listen to Mark, coming off a two year self imposed sabbatical myself I feel your pain. I had a lot of jerk issues to work out of my system and way of thinking. Now that I am ready to date again, I have found the only thing that works is to literally just not care, meaning don't place any emotional thought to the outcome of any conversation with a woman for the time being. Don't go out to get dates or meet women. Go out to find conversations and interesting people. Women(Back me up ladies) pick up on desperation easily and know when you're talking to them just to get a date and the BS barriers go up automatically. If you can relax though and not care they will see this also and be relaxed too. After all you're not after a date you're just a guy saying hello while waiting for his coffee, or at the checkout line.

    I purposely go to places where there are alot of people and situations that before would have made me uncomfortable. Now I just take a breath and walk in, remembering there's no pressure and no goal, I'm just here to talk and meet new people. Now I usually get several phone numbers and offers for drinks or coffee. I enjoy not caring and being able to actually talk to the women I meet. Point being just go do it brother you're psyching yourself out before you even start and making the whole affair bigger then it is. It's a cliche I know but when you give the impression of being content, happy and comfortable being alone women will come to you, because you're attitude is comforting and relaxing.

    1. profile image0
      poetlorraineposted 8 years agoin reply to this
  27. Jonathan Janco profile image69
    Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years ago

    Scott, the Fluid theory is gonna take off big time. I think you've created a monster! A few yrs from now, when we're all in the Fluid Temple, remember this one.

    1. profile image0
      Scott.Lifeposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'm water my friend, I AM WATER!!

      1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
        Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        WE ARE ALL WATER  . . .  ALL WATER. Well, mostly, anyway.

  28. mega1 profile image79
    mega1posted 8 years ago

    When my son was a teenager he was having a hard time getting a first date - but he had no particular girl in mind.  So I gave him this advice - make friends with some girls first - later the romance stuff will come much easier.  Finding someone you have a lot in common with is the key, I think - being really great friends before you start thinking of getting romantic is always a good deal.  That way you have this very strong foundation for a relationship if it develops, and if it doesn't at least you've got a great friendship.  I've been celibate for a long time now.  But I have more friends, and better friends now - the tradeoff was really worth it for me.  Without the sexual tensions friendships are much more fulfilling to me.  I've already had my marriage - now I just like to have friends!

  29. Black Lilly profile image61
    Black Lillyposted 8 years ago

    Somehow I start getting a strange feeling...
    I think Jonathan knows very much about dating, relationships and women. Much more than we can advise him on. He knows about attention and manipulating too.
    Can't help this feeling somehow, though it's only my oppinion.

    1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Is that really just your intuition, Lilly? Or something in my posts that gave me away?

      1. Black Lilly profile image61
        Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Both, but I prefer to trust the first.

        1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
          Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          BTW, what exactly did you mean about attention and manipulation?
          Also, just for the record, I actually don't know much about dating and relationships. Atleast A lot of the responses I got were not exactly what I was expecting, but helpful nonetheless.

          1. Black Lilly profile image61
            Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            Of course, and that's exactly the comment I've expected from you wink
            You like attention and know how to use it. I'll refrain from further comments on that, because that's private talk already - would be dead boring for everyone to read.

  30. Cagsil profile image60
    Cagsilposted 8 years ago

    What's this we have here?

    Haven't dated in two years?

    What difference would that make?

    I've not dated by choice in the last 5+ years.

    So, what's the big deal?

    1. Black Lilly profile image61
      Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      There's no big deal of course. Just how you do manage that - I have no slightest idea.

    2. profile image0
      cosetteposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      the more i read you, Cagsil, the more i like you.

      i'm fulfilled and happy and not the least bit lonely. i got tired of men who couldn't appreciate my mind and my bottomless creativity...they're always like 'wow, who knew you would be so smart, etc.' then they get all weird and i get bored...one day i will meet my psychic/mystical/cosmic twin and it will be bliss but until then i'm not going to waste my energies kisisng frogs...

  31. Paradise7 profile image84
    Paradise7posted 8 years ago

    I'd take it slow at first, really.  Just have a few conversations.  They don't necessarily have to lead to a date.  Get comfortable socializing with the opposite sex, maybe in groups of people,(your friends and their girlfriends and their girlfriends' girl friends, or your co-workers and their friends, or maybe relatives, and their friends and women acquaintances...)anything to just get comfortable inside your own skin while in a social setting with the opposite sex.

    I know a lot of people said, just jump right in the deep end of the pool and don't be scared.

    The "don't be scared" is right, I think, but I also think it's ok to dip the toe in the water, first.

  32. wsp2469 profile image60
    wsp2469posted 8 years ago

    See, the thing is though, you are talking about a man.  It is obvious that women are not always easy to understand.  So whether he is attempting to manipulate anyone or not the whole thing is believable solely because we are talking about a man dealing with a woman or women in general.
    Whether he posted this forum to get attention or to help his hubscore doesn't matter since we are all doing the same thing when we reply.

    1. profile image0
      Maximus591posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      The guy is a sensitive, youthful flower who is just lacking some smarts in the ways of the woman.

      My best advice would be to view a female as a piece of steak. You carefully spend time sauteing her (the steak), pouring your passion into creating the most juicy succulent steak you can, and she (well, the steak) will reward you with pleasures you could only dream of. Whereas, if you were to slap her (the steak) into a frying pan, toss her around a bit then serve her with mash potato... then she will surely be all hard and chewy, and not a joy to the taste buds. Stick to this kind of advice kid, and you'll go far in life.

      smile

      1. profile image0
        zampanoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        I agree.
        I'd even say that you must have her raw.

      2. Len Cannon profile image90
        Len Cannonposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        I agree: women are exactly like a piece of meat.

        1. profile image0
          zampanoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          The cream of the crop...

  33. Black Lilly profile image61
    Black Lillyposted 8 years ago

    Maximus, before I go any further... please confirm - you are a HE, a SHE or... both?!

    1. profile image0
      Maximus591posted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Im curious as to why discovering my gender identity would make a difference? It should not thwart what you have to say. Just say what is on your mind and be done with it.

      It will make you feel better.

      Go on.

      Your audience awaits....

      1. Black Lilly profile image61
        Black Lillyposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        1. Discovering your gender will help yourself.
        2. You can also help yourself in other way, you'll not be so angry.
        3. No woman would make a comparison with a steak.

        Up to you to make your own conclusions.

        1. profile image0
          Maximus591posted 8 years agoin reply to this

          And this post helps the OP in what way exactly? You clearly have a beef with the OP. Take your beef up with him. And talking of beef, why don't you knock him up a juicy steak while you're at it.

          ho ho ho.

          1. profile image0
            Leta Sposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            Maximus!  You've changed.  How old is she?  14 or so?

            Tell me something...seriously.  What the hell are you getting out of this?  I'm just trying to understand the mindset of your kind.

            Is it sort of a device/wannabe tool or something, since you cannot be the cool guy, to try to derive some kind of coolness by being an @sshole?  Like a whole approach to life or something?  Did you study up on it?

            I'm genuinely curious.

            1. profile image0
              Maximus591posted 8 years agoin reply to this

              Curiosity killed the cat.

              Your words are so elementary to read... they're so... so... very primitive. However, they do give me an insight into your dull mind.

              You claim to have written three books. Was 'How to cure Insomnia' one of them? Anyway, I digress...

              Perhaps you could offer some advice to the poor young man who started this thread, rather than stalking me on online. There is something very disturbing in witnessing a middle aged woman stalking much younger and much prettier things.

              1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
                Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                Oh, ladies! How wonderfully amused I am!

                1. beautyrose profile image60
                  beautyroseposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                  your not alone in this kind of situation. Many single men and women are out there some are even joining dating site in hoping to find out a life time partner but let love find you because the moment you keep looking for it and it doesn't come the more you end up depressed and lonely. cheer up life is short.

                  1. profile image0
                    Leta Sposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                    lol  I'm genuinely amused because of all the cross-talk and assumed identities going...I'm not single and this is funny, ie.

                    Glad uh, someone's 'sport' can amuse Jonathan, however.  Sounds like he needs/deserves it.

                    smile

            2. tksensei profile image61
              tksenseiposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              Why do you feel the need to refer to people as "your kind," "it," and "@sshole"? Can't you communicate without insulting people?

  34. rebekahELLE profile image89
    rebekahELLEposted 8 years ago

    I think there are a few alter egos playing on this thread....

    1. profile image0
      Leta Sposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, probably.  OOooo, probably that was also a little harsh above. 

      They are probably just healthy children having fun, smile.  Still, Maximus does write about anuses...

  35. profile image0
    Leta Sposted 8 years ago

    I am sure you are quite disturbed.  And which was prettier?  The 14-year-old or the over-photo shopped photo of a guy I'd never date?

    You may view my books on Amazon, smile.  Two were written for grades 5-8.  And I would not even attempt to speak about dull minds. lol Again, I ask you, out of genuine curiosity.  What are you getting out of playing @hole (anus if it is gentler, as I see you are easily upset) on hubpages day and night?

  36. wsp2469 profile image60
    wsp2469posted 8 years ago

    Aren't you guys off track here?

  37. profile image0
    zampanoposted 8 years ago

    "genuinely amused"...
    do you happen to be "falsely" amused ?
    we are dealing here with one of the most important questions of this world :
    lonelyness, which isn't just a word.(opposed to some chicago group said once)
    Yes Mam !

    1. profile image0
      Leta Sposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'm saying there are more than a few 'jokesters' around, sir.  Often not attempting or caring to post to the question/concern.

      If Jonathan can find amusement among all that, it's a good thing.

  38. Pearldiver profile image81
    Pearldiverposted 8 years ago

    No One Wanted to Date You for 2 Years? yikes
    Bugger!!! smile

    That's the perfect amount of time for you to get your act together! hmm

  39. profile image0
    zampanoposted 8 years ago

    yes.
    All threads eventually end polluted and degenerate from their starting topic.
    Sometimes it can be genuinely amusing (I understand what you said Madame).

    1. Pearldiver profile image81
      Pearldiverposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Interesting Statement hmm
      Of course your comments have not veered off the topic in any respect yikes

      1. profile image0
        Leta Sposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        It is all evidently a British humor thing my American ears do not fully comprehend.  My bad.

        Funny, Mark Knowles and Sufi always seem to come through loud and clear in American, wink.

        1. beautyrose profile image60
          beautyroseposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Lita are yo British woman?

          1. profile image0
            Leta Sposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            No! Very happy to be American (no offense to the Brits here who make sense, like Sufi and Mark, above), lol.  I simply don't find the stalking of people in the forums and lodging stupid unwarranted abuse at them very impressive or very funny--in an alter ego which is British or American, wink.

            As to the topic of this post: I'd say being realistic is a good starting point.  In this, I mean in understanding what a relationship is, and with how it can work in one's life.  Also, I think people have a ridiculous notion of what love really is.  It isn't hormones.  We all have hormones.  It isn't an illusory forever church wedding story with the right crystal and bridesmaid dresses.  It isn't being social, necessarily, either.

            When YOU decide you want another person in your life, you'll find it.  When you are open to the necessary give and take (it isn't a relationship and it certainly not real love if that isn't there), you will seek it.  "Letting it happen" doesn't necessarily work either - like every endeavor in life, it takes effort, and some may have a natural inclination towards togetherness that others don't have.

            Another thing I'd say to Jonathan is - women are human beings.  First and foremost, everyone should know that.  They are more like you than they are different--and they appreciate the same things you'd appreciate in a relationship; they have the same feelings.  Knowing this perhaps can tone down any anxiety a person has towards the opposite sex.  All that Venus and Mars crap is just that--crap.

      2. profile image0
        zampanoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Who cares ?
        Eventually likewise someone will replace the thread on its rails.

        1. Pearldiver profile image81
          Pearldiverposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          The Point, Garcon.... is clearly lost on interpretation! lol
          C'est morte dans la mer!

          1. profile image0
            zampanoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            I've changed that. I censored that question because on a second thought it seemed somehow aggressive.

            The new version is :
            Who cares ?
            Eventually likewise someone will replace the thread on its rails.

  40. SoftCornHippo profile image60
    SoftCornHippoposted 8 years ago

    Would you like some fries with your steak? If so, pour on some port - ruby port is best. We could all just get fried together.  But seriously! Why is everyone so touchy and serious about this quite wonderful subject of dating?  Life is short they say and when we are a bit less jumpy and more relaxed its so much easier to have interesting friends who will go out with us and occasionally hop in the sack.  Well, that's what they say, however, I personally don't feel the need for real flesh, now that I've found the cyberworld.

  41. Wendi M profile image80
    Wendi Mposted 8 years ago

    Did you get a date yet?

    1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      No, not yet, but I'm not breaking myself in half to get one. Just working on getting comfortable again around the strange creatures they call women.

  42. Miss Belgravia profile image77
    Miss Belgraviaposted 8 years ago

    Back on the rails -- I took a five-year break at one point, and without the distraction of "love" and all of its complications, I completed law school. Of course, right afterward, I got into another five-year, dead-end relationship. And now? I'm single, but happier than I've ever been. Just release the illusions, live your life, and you'll be much more likely to find someone who will be your friend first, and then, possibly, your lover. The immense pressure we put upon ourselves to be in a relationship leads to bad judgment and desperation. Become comfortable with yourself, realize what you have to offer to another person, and keep your sense of humor. And get a dog. They love you, no matter what, and put human relationships into a much more realistic perspective.

  43. Larael profile image59
    Laraelposted 8 years ago

    I kind of wish I was able to stay single for a while.  It seems like I'm stuck in a relationship that is doomed.  But every time we break up... my life seems like it will end and that he's the only guy for me.  I'm sure it doesn't help that he's the only boyfriend I've ever ever had.  *sigh* 

    I say good luck with the love.  After a year of solitude, you'll probably be so solid on the ground not a lot could go wrong.  :]  You can do it.

    1. Jonathan Janco profile image69
      Jonathan Jancoposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I know the feeling. My first really serious girlfriend was one that was a bit combustible. We were together for about a year and we broke up and got back together several times. Once you get this one under your belt your head will be a bit clearer.

  44. profile image52
    Gracious Octoberposted 8 years ago

    Just breathe. Just be. When things are right your connection to whoever you are persuing will carry you through the awkward moments and into the great realm of opportunities. It's only hard if you force it.

  45. profile image52
    Gracious Octoberposted 8 years ago

    Good luck guy. Love can be a wonderful aide in happiness.

  46. thisisoli profile image71
    thisisoliposted 8 years ago

    looking for love is a mistake, look for fun and you will find someone you love.

  47. Hanna Bambina profile image60
    Hanna Bambinaposted 8 years ago

    I'm like you. However, realise, that someone should like you for who you are. So don't feel the need tochange yourself for a girl...

  48. Hanna Bambina profile image60
    Hanna Bambinaposted 8 years ago

    I'm like you. However, realise, that someone should like you for who you are. So don't feel the need tochange yourself for a girl...

 
working