Haven't dated in two years
i'm the same way, but i'm really fine with that. i have been hurt and just don't want to be hurt again. of course i have hurt others too..trampled on their hearts...i am just not interested in love or romance at this stage of the game. too labor intensive
good luck though on your journey.
i am a rock simon and garfunkelhey, nice to see your face smiling out to the world.
it looks like you've received some helpful advice and hope our input has helped. I really like what scottlife said and it sounds good to me. fluid is natural. and yes, most women are attracted to a man who looks approachable, open and genuine.
most of the time we're not thinking what you think we're thinking.
we're all alike in the respect that we want to be acknowledged whether it be with a smile, a glance or a hello.
the same way you may want to say hello is the same way we want you to say hello, and sometimes we make it easier by giving the eye contact, the smile, or the hello. best to you jonathan.
I'd like to be able to help, Jonathan, but have to confess I'm admirably unqualified. Regarding my 7 marriages to date (Pam and I've been together 13 years now and are still hooked at the hip), the longest I ever spent between serious relationships was about 5 months. Never really dated 'em, just married 'em.
At least (fortunately or unfortunately) you do seem to have plenty of other foks on this thread who are willing to give advice from every angle. The only suggestion I might add would be to first figure out what the dickens it is YOU really want. I know that was often a key for me.
Example: After Divorce #3 (my roughest marriage by far), I thought inwardly, "Well, I dunno if there's another woman out there for me or not, but if there is, I surely hope it's one who knows enough to give me an insight or two regarding the physical aspect(s) of the relationship". Once I had that thought clearly in mind, Wife-to-be #4 popped up within weeks--and brother, did she ever give me an education!
- L. Andrew Marrposted 14 years ago
0 lol...do I sound like it?!! (married and suffocated more like it!)
You shouldn't be! marriage is great in some ways
hey, let's not jump from the pan into the fire!
there is a middle way that I'm implying: simply being in a relationship.
full stop.
best of both worlds!
(Smile @ poppa)
let's swap lives for a while...and see how it goes!
- L. Andrew Marrposted 14 years ago0
- lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago0
If you go looking you will not find. If you relax and be yourself - it will find you. Take a deep breath, relax and go see what turns up. With a smile in your heart and open to the possibility - something will - I guarantee it.
Might not be what you were expecting but..........You just explained my point above
I think it's a given. Love finds you.
sometimes you just have to get over the first hurdle and then it's not so hard. go to the places where you may be able to casually strike up a conversation. starbucks, barnes and noble, cozy cafes.
you can use the book they're reading for a starter into a conversation. it has worked for me and if they're not interested or too into their book, nothing lost. theres never anything wrong with being friendly.
think about where you like to go and meet those kind of people. isolation can be good for a while then you need to get back out there and just be you.- Poppa Bluesposted 14 years ago0
now that's a man after my own heart! well said poppa!
LOL
Umm Thanks. Easy? Not so sure that is easy........ But there was a line - I am spoken for now.
sorry, I'll make myself clearer. in your everyday life, just be open to the opportunities. not so much thinking in terms of going out to meet someone, but being out in your daily life being open to the attention a woman may give you.
Maybe I'm over-simplifying things, but I think you shouldn't think in terms of "dating" and "relationships" - and, instead, just think in terms of asking the person you like out for lunch, coffee, or dinner; and take it from there. Things will either go well or not. If they don't go well you haven't risked a whole lot. If they do then the next step will just follow naturally.
When was young kid and would get aggravated at my little brother my mother used to say, "Boys are just like you. He's not some 'thing'. Boys have feelings just like girls do. They're people too." When I grew up to have two sons (and a daughter) I saw exactly what my mother was saying, of course. Well, in your case (or in the case of any of the zillions of guys who seem uncomfortable with asking someone out), I'd say switch around my mother's advice, replacing "boys" with "women" - and keep in mind that women are people, just like you. It's not a big deal to just ask another person out for coffee or dinner. I sometimes think we live in a world with too much analysis, too many buzz-words, and too much self-focus when it comes to relationships. Phrases like "emotionally available" could suggest you're a victim of this thinking. (Again, maybe oversimplifying, but) You start with "being attracted to", move on to "liking", and decide from there whether "loving" is a possibility. Sometimes how "emotionally available" someone is depends on the other person in the equation. When it depends, instead, on you; only you know if you're ready for just a date or a relationship. Then, too, not all women are looking for more than "just a date" either. Finding out whether they or not is what coffee or dinner dates are for. I find myself in a constant battle with myself. I want to be in a relationship but I forget how hard it is to be in a relationship. Which makes me not want to be in one. But sometimes I get really lonely and I want a woman to comfort me but I don't want to put in the time and effort in a relationship. Uh whoah, circles.
Ok. We all (hopefully) have jobs, right? We engage in activities, some of them we like more, some less. Sometimes we hate work, because it's hard, and I bet majority of us would not work if given choice. Just we need money, and so we sell part of our time in exchange for it. If work gets hard, we complain, hate it, etc, but we know we MUST get back and still do it.
Now a relationship - why should that be hard or (as in previous posts) compared to work?! If I want to be in a relationship, I get into one. If not - what should I need it in the first place?
For social status? Like, the age comes to be in a relationship, so I must get into one, or my mom tells I should settle down and have kids, or what? That's just a question of attitude.
For support? You can get friends for that.
For sex? Oh thanks - plenty of that on offer, just choose. You can also combine earning money and pleasure, if you become a "freelance prostitute"
For spending time? I know such couples, but this is ridiculous. Become a fundraiser for charity or sign up for cookery course if you have too much free time.
For something else? Name it.
When you get a relationship as a substitute for something else, I believe it might be hard. And again, if it IS hard, why should I want to do it? Despite that, I admit being trapped a few times.
The idea is very simple - I get with someone because I choose so. And why should I choose something that does not give me pleasant experiences? Why should I choose the hard way? I mean, voluntarily - why?
It's definitely work. I wouldn't want a relationship that's simple and easy. To me that would be boring. I'd want to go through all the good and bad times with my partner. When something is broke, fix it. It'll only make you stronger.
saw your last post and wanted to add something before I leave the computer for a while,
no one goes into a relationship voluntarily believing it's going to be constantly hard as was stated before. but anyone who says they have been in a serious, committed relationship without ups and downs is not being honest, or the relationship was strictly surface level, meaning focused on physical pleasures.
also depends on what is defined as hard? something that involves work or that may be considered hard at times is certainly not bad!
working at a relationship is investing in your happiness and fulfillment. the implication that work is something to be avoided is selfish in itself, I believe. anything worth having and preserving requires maintenance, upkeep, reflection, fine-tuning.And that's the core: I honestly believe, that a true relationship does not need CONSCIOUSLY investing time and horrenduous effort. It just happens, flows, because you like and enjoy it. Conscious investment is hard, because it's simply a bit fake.
I've been investing too much in my life I think. And now, during my first months of being single EVER (since about 14-15), I chose not to invest anymore. It either flows how I want it to flow, or... well, I like cats, cactusses and don't like kids
All or nothing, no compromise. And I know I will get it the way I want it. Just because I will not settle for less (you can bet on it).
That's good man but sooner or later you need to move on hehehe... its lonely being alone all the time you know... 'm sure you'll find the right girl for you I hope heheheh
- Scott.Lifeposted 14 years ago0
Jonathan Just be Fluid man
. I would listen to Mark, coming off a two year self imposed sabbatical myself I feel your pain. I had a lot of jerk issues to work out of my system and way of thinking. Now that I am ready to date again, I have found the only thing that works is to literally just not care, meaning don't place any emotional thought to the outcome of any conversation with a woman for the time being. Don't go out to get dates or meet women. Go out to find conversations and interesting people. Women(Back me up ladies) pick up on desperation easily and know when you're talking to them just to get a date and the BS barriers go up automatically. If you can relax though and not care they will see this also and be relaxed too. After all you're not after a date you're just a guy saying hello while waiting for his coffee, or at the checkout line.
I purposely go to places where there are alot of people and situations that before would have made me uncomfortable. Now I just take a breath and walk in, remembering there's no pressure and no goal, I'm just here to talk and meet new people. Now I usually get several phone numbers and offers for drinks or coffee. I enjoy not caring and being able to actually talk to the women I meet. Point being just go do it brother you're psyching yourself out before you even start and making the whole affair bigger then it is. It's a cliche I know but when you give the impression of being content, happy and comfortable being alone women will come to you, because you're attitude is comforting and relaxing. Of course, and that's exactly the comment I've expected from you
You like attention and know how to use it. I'll refrain from further comments on that, because that's private talk already - would be dead boring for everyone to read.
The guy is a sensitive, youthful flower who is just lacking some smarts in the ways of the woman.
My best advice would be to view a female as a piece of steak. You carefully spend time sauteing her (the steak), pouring your passion into creating the most juicy succulent steak you can, and she (well, the steak) will reward you with pleasures you could only dream of. Whereas, if you were to slap her (the steak) into a frying pan, toss her around a bit then serve her with mash potato... then she will surely be all hard and chewy, and not a joy to the taste buds. Stick to this kind of advice kid, and you'll go far in life.
lol I'm genuinely amused because of all the cross-talk and assumed identities going...I'm not single and this is funny, ie.
Glad uh, someone's 'sport' can amuse Jonathan, however. Sounds like he needs/deserves it.
Yeah, probably. OOooo, probably that was also a little harsh above.
They are probably just healthy children having fun,. Still, Maximus does write about anuses...
- Leta Sposted 14 years ago0
I am sure you are quite disturbed. And which was prettier? The 14-year-old or the over-photo shopped photo of a guy I'd never date?
You may view my books on Amazon,. Two were written for grades 5-8. And I would not even attempt to speak about dull minds. lol Again, I ask you, out of genuine curiosity. What are you getting out of playing @hole (anus if it is gentler, as I see you are easily upset) on hubpages day and night? - zampanoposted 14 years ago0
No One Wanted to Date You for 2 Years?
Bugger!!!
That's the perfect amount of time for you to get your act together!
- zampanoposted 14 years ago0
Interesting Statement
Of course your comments have not veered off the topic in any respectIt is all evidently a British humor thing my American ears do not fully comprehend. My bad.
Funny, Mark Knowles and Sufi always seem to come through loud and clear in American,.No! Very happy to be American (no offense to the Brits here who make sense, like Sufi and Mark, above), lol. I simply don't find the stalking of people in the forums and lodging stupid unwarranted abuse at them very impressive or very funny--in an alter ego which is British or American,
.
As to the topic of this post: I'd say being realistic is a good starting point. In this, I mean in understanding what a relationship is, and with how it can work in one's life. Also, I think people have a ridiculous notion of what love really is. It isn't hormones. We all have hormones. It isn't an illusory forever church wedding story with the right crystal and bridesmaid dresses. It isn't being social, necessarily, either.
When YOU decide you want another person in your life, you'll find it. When you are open to the necessary give and take (it isn't a relationship and it certainly not real love if that isn't there), you will seek it. "Letting it happen" doesn't necessarily work either - like every endeavor in life, it takes effort, and some may have a natural inclination towards togetherness that others don't have.
Another thing I'd say to Jonathan is - women are human beings. First and foremost, everyone should know that. They are more like you than they are different--and they appreciate the same things you'd appreciate in a relationship; they have the same feelings. Knowing this perhaps can tone down any anxiety a person has towards the opposite sex. All that Venus and Mars crap is just that--crap.
The Point, Garcon.... is clearly lost on interpretation!
C'est morte dans la mer!
- Wendi Mposted 14 years ago0
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