'the other woman'

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  1. profile image52
    ladyp03posted 13 years ago

    I am currently in a relationship with a married man whom I work with.  We've only been seeing each other for 4 months but it has gotten pretty serious.

    I was just wondering if there are other women out there who have been on the other side of the affair.  Remarks good or bad are welcome smile

    1. stoneangel444 profile image60
      stoneangel444posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I'm not a woman but think you should ask yourself a very important question. If he can so easily cheat on his wife ...what makes you think he might not do the same to you if things get a little rocky...

      1. AngelWings75 profile image59
        AngelWings75posted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I completely agree with this comment. I'm not going to say that it 'never' works out, but really, how will u ever have trust in the relationship? I'm sorry, but I say, once a cheater, always a cheater. And for the ones that eventually married the man they were cheating with when they were married, how do you know he's not cheating on you too? I'm sure the wife in the first place was clueless for some time. What makes you think your not in her shoes now?
        Hope it all works out for ya tho hun. Good luck!

      2. NickiRudd profile image61
        NickiRuddposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        fully agree with stoneangel444 but want to add that its not serious if you have to keep it a secret!

    2. mythbuster profile image72
      mythbusterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Try asking him about these issues? Just ASK about his intentions in your relationship. If you've been dating several months now, it should be reasonable for you to ask a few questions now.

      1. AdeleCosgroveBray profile image90
        AdeleCosgroveBrayposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        That sounds fine in theory, but the chances that he'll tell her what she wants to hear - rather than the truth - are high.

        Has he left his wife and children?  No.

        Has he started divorce proceedings?  No.

        Can (user name) ladypo3 trust him?  Well, he's betraying his wife's trust so, as actions speak louder than words, no.

        Has he done this sort of thing before?  Maybe, if he's doing this now.

        Meanwhile, he's whispering sweet nothings.

    3. leeberttea profile image55
      leebertteaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Pretty serious for whom? How? What do you mean by serious?

    4. profile image0
      kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Just do what you have to, if you can keep it on the table, worst case scenario you walk away with some integrity.  Is this difficult?  I'm confused?

    5. profile image0
      Brenda Durhamposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      How would you feel if you were the wife being cheated on?

    6. profile image52
      dane5150posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      How dare you! You are being the worthless scum that I loath.
      My husband is having an affair- you are that other woman. I believe we could work some things out if she wasn't turning his head. While you are in the picture you are not giving him the chance to fix things with his wife nor her the chance to fix things. If you are truely 'friends' with him- then be a friend and BACK OFF.  And another thing- WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STAB A FELLOW WOMAN IN THE BACK LIKE THAT!? You are truly scum.

      1. Bronson_Hub profile image61
        Bronson_Hubposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        Your husband's choice to cheat has nothing to do with you or the other woman.  Out of the 1000's of ways to deal with negative crap, he chose an affair, you know about it, you have options now.

        1. profile image0
          kimberlyslyricsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Exactly this actually almost all of this isn't about you at all but we stay the victim if we choose to.  You have the power to get healthy but please don't speak of love while hating him. Listen my boys can happily settle this for you but there is no justice in revenge.   Be good to you and what you need to do and screw whatever anyone else thinks.  Bless

    7. alecialynne profile image60
      alecialynneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, Run!!!! I'm telling you right now, Run, run, run, run!! Please please please listen to me! Run!!!

      I am speaking from experience, if he wants you he'll chase you and do something about it. Ignore him, stop seeing him and don't see him if he's still seeing her. Broken promises will NEVER stop, never, never and the disappointment will continue and it will only get worse!

    8. profile image50
      shaz23posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      We never meant to get involved we started as friends and just talking. We have gotten very close and have fallen in love.
      Sometimes things just happen, even when you dont want them to. We love each other and one day we will be together. No Im dont class myself as the other woman. I class myself as the one he loves.

      1. Aisla profile image78
        Aislaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        Ask his wife the same questions you ask here. If he tolerates that then you know he loves you.

    9. profile image48
      msmodularposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I'm not the other woman but the wife..I still don't understand why a woman wants to get involved with a married man!

      1. faria_lupin profile image61
        faria_lupinposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        i faced with this problem....same here why a woman wants to get involves with a married man.....i think in a second relation-ship they only want for physical relation nothing more.and sex is very important for a relationhsip i think.....not the moman only guilty a man should be punished first...

    10. faria_lupin profile image61
      faria_lupinposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      same here i'm a woman but i dont like to involve with a married man....because the man is not betraying with his wife actually the girl is betraying with herself....

    11. profile image0
      kimberlyslyricsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      to be honest hon yes.  It's amazing and then for me it rolled out in the exact stages grief does emotionally in the exact reverse order-if that makes sense.

      I am a woman who prides herself in being able to comit to a decision and not fog into it once I have, despite the strength of outside forces.

      I am 44 and still commit to what I just told you.  So much so that the fog in fact does come about so thick I can't see it anyways and continue to live out my fairy tale.

      See what I mean already?  I am laughing.

      Hurt, scorn, burned, jealous, cheap, thrill, best sex, repeat 70 more times, a minute added by juggling, tears, burping competitions, getting caught, horrendous break ups, mourning periods, entire wardrobe replacements, diaries, investigative agent workings, snooping, best sex ever, anyways,

      After MULTIPLE break up cries-you know, the real ugly kind where your make up is everywhere but you've convinced yourself its a few sniffles he hears sees the odd tear and is impressed at your domineer through this pain that he's clipping you has you on his office floor wrapped around his leg so he can't leave til your heard when even worse is you can't think of something hot to say so your just adhered to his leg using his pants as kleenex and are convinced he will change his mind any second

      and so we wait  lol

      and learn  smile

      then remember roll

      finally there it comes, yet another  cool

      long story short I have struggled in many types of relationships only to learn one thing that allows me to always be me.  I am whatever I know I am, and I am honest today with myself more than yesterday.

      Like most of us we do not set out to hurt anyone, I had to come to terms with the reality that is false.  I will not however wear armour ever, I must and deserve to have the good which is much greater

      So if there's another woman, it's not me, and thats my truth.  Parameters are agreed and shared, boundaries and other casualties expected and an understanding there is no forever, for anyone.

      Girl we should hub this and link up

      you'll be the other woman

      then I'll be the other woman  lol

      OK game on the crowd is screaming, what if it happened to you?????????????

      com on, like right?

      But if it happens to someone out there just calmly have a big young construction worker cement this sign on your front lawn - I will personally guarantee your life will start becoming magical within the hour

      sorry for the ramble

      gotta scoot and get sexy

      off to a wedding


      1. profile image50
        cdadaoneposted 12 years agoin reply to this


    12. profile image49
      Linda S.Wainscottposted 12 years agoin reply to this


    13. lrohner profile image68
      lrohnerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I have been on the "other" side of the affair. It destroys marriages, families and friendships. And when I say destroy, I mean it. My kids are all in their 20s now, and I'm still seeing them live the consequences of it. They do know, you know. My kids knew way before I did.

      Here's what I never understood -- if you don't want to be with the person you're with, then leave. Why go to the trouble of cheating? That's just a feeble, weak person's way out. And I really can't figure out who would want to be with someone like that. If they do it to one person, they'll do it to two. After all, EVERY woman is the "love of my life" to a serial cheater.

      1. profile image0
        EmpressFelicityposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I agree although I do think it's hard to just leave a relationship that's doing OK (not great, but OK) when you've got lots of joint commitments. 

        Getting back to the point you made in your first paragraph: yes, cheating has a HUGE detrimental impact on families, my own parents being a case in point. 

        I have always made it a rule in my life NEVER to be the "other woman" - I've been tempted a couple of times, but frankly it never seemed worth the fallout it would have caused for other people, not to mention the loss of self-respect.

    14. ddarpen profile image60
      ddarpenposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You are wrong!
      What if your wife and know your husband has another relationship? Think this is my friend

    15. profile image52
      rjs25posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      If you know that he is married WALK away!!!!  It's not fair....

  2. goldenpath profile image64
    goldenpathposted 13 years ago

    I'm not a female, but from the perspective of the married man I'd have a difficult time upholding my own integrity and dignity in the eyes of my wife and mistress.  To see in their eyes the lack of full trust and devotion would bring me to such a low state. 

    These things happen, but no matter how we dress it up it cannot ever be love.  How can it - there's no trust, integrity or dignity in the relationship.  Those are among the first principles to foster in any given relationship.

    Sorry for your situation.  Hope all goes well in the future.

  3. habee profile image92
    habeeposted 13 years ago

    I was the other woman, and now I'm the wife - have been for 22 years.

    1. profile image49
      Sconfusedhelpposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      OMG! i want to hear this story....how did it start? how long till he left her?

      1. alecialynne profile image60
        alecialynneposted 12 years agoin reply to this


      2. habee profile image92
        habeeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        We were both in bad marriages. My ex-husband had been having affairs for years, and so had Johnny (my present husband). I didn't set out to fall in love with him or to even get involved with him. I knew it was wrong, but I fell hopelessly in love with Johnny, and he fell in love with me. In this case, two wrongs did make a right! We have a great marriage, and we're both faithful and commited to each other. All my friends thought I was crazy for falling for another womanizer, but Johnny did a total about-face - he never even wants to go anywhere without me! He also helped raise my 3 girls, and they call him "Daddy." Their biological father had little to do with them. Johnny had always wanted kids but had never had any. It was a win-win situation all the way around, even for our exes. They've both remarried and are happy.

        I realize that our situation is unique. Most married men having affairs have no intention of leaving their wives.

        1. profile image49
          Linda S.Wainscottposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          You stole him so he WOULD raise your Daughter RIGHT!

    2. efeyas profile image77
      efeyasposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I want to hear this story as well because it usually doesn't work out that way!

    3. alecialynne profile image60
      alecialynneposted 12 years agoin reply to this


    4. profile image0
      dirtyoldwhoreposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well dont get too comfy he probably has someone else you just dont know what goes aroung comes back to bite you in the ass!!!!

    5. Darknlovely3436 profile image74
      Darknlovely3436posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      this is nothing to be proud about, breaking up the family unit
      is the worse thing that any woman can do to another woman

      1. SandyMcCollum profile image64
        SandyMcCollumposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I didn't see anything about Habee breaking up a family, just that she was the other woman.

        As for the OP, why would you want to share holidays with his wife? He'll do what she has planned before leaving her to be with you. Not on Christmas, not on your birthday, not on any important days in your life. And, everyone you know that he meets will be expected to keep this secret, too? They either can't know he's married or can't know about him. And what if one of them knows his wife? It's a small world.

        Only you can make this decision, but there's lots of sage advice in this thread. Take it from people who've been there/done that, listen to their advice. If you still don't know what to do after that, well, I'm sorry for you because it's going to be a huge problem some day.

        1. Darknlovely3436 profile image74
          Darknlovely3436posted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Too wrongs does not make a right, being the other woman
          is a shame, please.. fooling around with another woman husband

  4. SummerSteward profile image61
    SummerStewardposted 13 years ago

    This woman writes amazing Hubs offering a whole slew of advice. I remember browsing her hubs and finding this one.

    http://hubpages.com/hub/New-Doors-Cant- … eing-Happy

    Check it out. In my experience, there are not to many affairs that end as habees did. I have walked this path once before, and it spelled heartbreak. For most it usually does. He probably won't leave her. You will be a dirty dark secret never flaunted and appreciated in the eyes of his family and friends. Good luck in your journey, think long and hard when you decide. By walking this path, you are potentially causing the heartbreak of another woman and maybe even a family. These are not decisions to be weighed in the light of lust. The person I experienced this was a good friend, in a wierd relationship and they were on the road to separation already due to the "openness" of thier relationship, however my actions, and my seeming love for him didn't help. It's a complex story for another day, however, I ended not proud. It was a long road to self respect again. A lot of people respond harshly to this kind of question, I have been here, so I won't but I will tell you.. it ends ugly. Friendships are shattered. You will cry. She will cry. It won't be worth it.

  5. donotfear profile image84
    donotfearposted 13 years ago

    It's a difficult situation, to say the least.

  6. SomewayOuttaHere profile image61
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

    i've no time for mistresses or DAWGS.  why get involved with a marriage that has problems that should be worked on between 2 people - or a man that is messed up and needs to work on some stuff.  if a marriage/relationship is on the rocks, a strong person will leave after trying to fix things, but not leave for another and consciously begin an affair before they leave - i consider those people weak.  if you begin a relationship with deception, the deception continues and most times it will end with deception.  very few affairs will evolve and become normal, healthy relationships.  can you really trust someone who is deceitful - can you trust yourself? can they trust you? why do woman become mistresses - ask yourself why - the sparks flew or maybe still are - but that is only sexual.  Have you really loved anyone - it is much more than sex.  And you know when married people are fooling around - guess what - their sex drive takes off - it's not you baby - it's just something that happens.  people screwing around get really messed up and for whatever reason their hormones take off - but it's not because of you!  do some reading - you'll get a better insight as to what your DAWG is going through and what you can expect for your future with the DAWG.  My rant for the day!  Why not meet a single guy that isn't messed up?  WTF!  Karma - that's all I can say!

    1. donotfear profile image84
      donotfearposted 13 years agoin reply to this



      ....very honest response here. Also true, even though the truth may hurt those in the situation.

    2. profile image49
      Linda S.Wainscottposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      @ somewayotta here.........Boy You said it ALL!   DUDE KUDOS!!!

  7. prettydarkhorse profile image56
    prettydarkhorseposted 13 years ago

    it is a difficult situation specially if he has children with his wife, I wouldnt like to point fingers at you, but the children will surely suffers, HUGS, as you might be experiencing influx of emotions

  8. redemption86 profile image60
    redemption86posted 13 years ago

    Im a gay man and was the other man in what was a very solid relationship, and it was the worst thing I ever did. I nearly got myself killed and the guy that was doing the cheating was beaten to within an inch of his life. I can honestly say it isnt worth it and I agree with most people here, if he can cheat on his wife he can cheat on you. Please please end this sham because thats what it is. You will never be able to have a proper relationship with this man and you will be the one who ends up getting hurt so do the right thing....end it.

  9. GoTo Gal profile image73
    GoTo Galposted 13 years ago

    Is your self esteem so low that you do not feel worthy of a man of your own?  How can you be happy sharing a man with another woman?  It is she he goes home to at night, spends holidays with, and weekends while you are alone waiting for whatever scraps of time he can spare for you.

    Not to mention you may very well be violating workplace policies.  Bail out now before you destroy a family and lose your job.

    1. profile image0
      dirtyoldwhoreposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      why would you want someones left overs and be sure you are not the only one.

    2. profile image0
      dirtyoldwhoreposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You must have no self esteem and I thought we were supposed to stick together!!!! How would you feel if some one did that to you?

  10. ritazruby profile image60
    ritazrubyposted 13 years ago

    is there more to this than love? or infatuation? i agree with everyone against this relationship.... but as someone currently in a similar position i know its not easy

  11. Greek One profile image64
    Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

    here are my suggestions for happiness...

    1) stop the relationship asap

    2) Find someone to be with who is not married

    3) Make sure that he is not the type of guy who would cheat on you with someone from the office (or anyone else)

  12. katiem2 profile image59
    katiem2posted 13 years ago

    Many people don't have the need for a single committed and faithful relationship, everyones different and you just need to ask this guy which group he falls in and know what area you fall into.  Marriage isn't for everyone and yet many of those same people are in one...

  13. iantoPF profile image76
    iantoPFposted 13 years ago

    I'm hardly the other woman but I've been the other man. i had an adulterous affair with a married woman for over two years. It was great fun while it lasted and it was very flattering to know that I was doing her better than him. I'm sure you are a lot more exciting than his wife.
    Look, I don't have the same moral compass as most of the people here and I don't give advice, just observations. Like the fact that he is having sex with two women. Don't believe him if he says otherwise, he is. Goody Goody for him, so why are you monogamous. Go meet someone else, or have an imaginary friend. If you want to see your relationship change and move forward, in whatever direction, next time he tries to set up a date tell him no. Say that you are meeting someone else that day so can he reschedule. I promise you that what will happen is that all your questions will be answered and we may see him on this forum asking advice. smile

    1. JulesGerome profile image59
      JulesGeromeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Very good advice! And so true !

    2. SomewayOuttaHere profile image61
      SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I agree - don't believe him, and he probably doesn't believe her either. especially if she adds to the deception by saying  'i'm busy with my fake friend' and 'you are the best in bed'.  smile

  14. profile image61
    logic,commonsenseposted 13 years ago

    It's your life, you make your own choices.  Just be aware of all the facets of the relationship and the consequences of yours and his actions.

  15. swray1966 profile image56
    swray1966posted 13 years ago

    This is a great question.  I would bet money that you are not the only one he is cheating with.  Most men who cheat on their wives have multiple women.  You may be the only "other" woman right now but not for long.  If he is anything like my husband he is going home talking bad about you and making love to his wife all the time.  Just like he is I'm sure doing with you (talking bad about his wife and making love to you).  Whatever he is doing with you, he is doing with her (many hers)!  The other women and wives need a way to connect with each other to end this epidemic.

  16. samboiam profile image61
    samboiamposted 13 years ago

    Speaking from a man's perspective, not all affairs end the way habee's did. For the most part the "other woman" is nothing more than a change of pace or an extracurricular activity.

    He has no desire to leave his wife. Most of the time the mistress is just an end to a means. If it wasn't you it would be someone else.

    Think about this. If he will not be faithful to her, what makes you think he will be faithful to you.

    1. swray1966 profile image56
      swray1966posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      It is so refreshing to hear a man speak like this!!!  Your wife is very lucky!!!

  17. GoldiString profile image61
    GoldiStringposted 13 years ago

    I bet every comment here that is a point against your relationship with him, it pulls you down. And hurts you. You see, every thing about it is morally wrong..but then LOVE is foolishly blind. To turn away from him, (which is highly advised here), that thought is already breaking your heart. But to stay with him, and remain your role as the 'other woman' kicks your conscience. So it really is a dilemma. Just ask yourself.. if you are in love with him, how far would you go for love? If you must, you can ask him the same question.

    I can not say that to him you are just an 'extracurricular activity'. Some crazy silly hearts can really love two people at the same time. Love more than lust. A serious talk will really help. If he won't leave his family for you, but says he loves you..are you willing to take on that role of the other woman? or would you rather walk away and spare his family the pain?

    If it's too heartbreaking for you to decide. Let TIME give you the answer. Be patient. Love waits. Love heals.

    And if you find your answer...make sure that it's not what others want you to do. You are old enough to know what is not right but then old enough too, to know what you really want.

    With this kind of relationship, there is no give new love a chance, but accept love as is, as it is offered.

    1. profile image51
      DKWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Stop the relationship NOW! You are hurting yourself, him AND his wife.  I have been the wife.  What you are doing is not okay....don't try to convince your self that it is.  From the moment this relationship started you are just as guilty as he is.  Do you have no respect for him or his wife?  Someday you will be the wife that has the cheating husband.

    2. swray1966 profile image56
      swray1966posted 12 years ago

      You can not believe anything he tells you!!  He is more than likely talking poorly about you to his wife.  Don't believe how "bad" things are at home.  If they were really bad he would be getting out quickly!!  He loves his home life and his wife.  Or he doesn't love anyone because he is a sociopath/psychopath and in that case it will be very difficult for you.

      1. USMCwifey09 profile image63
        USMCwifey09posted 12 years agoin reply to this

        Agreed. Even if he doesn't "love" things at home, he has no intentions of leaving. He's getting what he wants from all parties. Why should he do anything else? And why let him get away with it? Spend time with a man that wants to be with you and only you. Why share??

      2. dashingscorpio profile image84
        dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

        Since each of us selects our friends, lovers, and spouses...etc
        You need to ask yourself why you chose to get involved with a married man to begin with.
        Since you are co-workers clearly it was not a case of him tricking you by pretending he wasn't married.
        If at the end of the day you decide you're content with "living in the moment" then you won't be as disappointed when things end. I'm certain there are many women who would rather be the "romantic escape lover" then being the wife dealing with the daily grind. (Cleaning up after him, doing his laundry..etc)

        One famous man who left his wife for "the other woman" was
        Donald Trump. He married Marla Maples. (It didn't last long)

      3. profile image49
        kjones228posted 12 years ago

        I'm sorry to say but no one is above cheating under the right conditions! Women want to blame other women for their husband's cheating ,as did I,but true of the matter is if someone is not happy in a relationship, they will seek it somewhere else! I realized after my divorce I had as much to do with my husband looking out out our marriage as he did! I was not there sexually or emotionally! I was having an emotional affair and didn't ever realize it! If you are going outside your marriage for comfort on a regular basis, and not saying those things to your spouse or partner, you are having an affair of the heart!
        So, before you husbands and wives start blaming the "other person for you not being able to fix you marriage look at what is wrong with the marriage to start with! It didn't start with the affair!

      4. jennshealthstore profile image82
        jennshealthstoreposted 12 years ago

        It happened to me. And the way I look at it now, I say thank you to the women he was with, because I no longer have to deal with him. But on the other hand, when it first happened it was horrible. Imagine a person that you share your life with betraying your trust like that. You need to think about how you would feel if you were the wife sitting at home, and then realizing that your husband has been having an affair. It is not fair. If you are no longer interested in your spouse, you need to get a divorce. Bottom line. There is no need for cheating.

        1. Ron Montgomery profile image59
          Ron Montgomeryposted 12 years ago

          I went lefty tonight...

          ...I feel so dirty.

        2. wifelv profile image60
          wifelvposted 12 years ago

          I am a now divorced wife of a cheating husband. My husband told her all kinds of lies about me to get her sympathy because he was bitter at me. He tried to leave her and when he did he told me all kinds of things about her. So, cheaters lie to both wife and mistress. My husband was addicted to her and she would not let him go. When I found out he was back with her I kicked him out. She divorced her husband for him and they are now together and just moved in together. When he see's me in town with her he hides and runs off ashamed. I have made myself even better than when I married him and I know it kills him to see me happy with out him.  My two beautiful kids are shattered. Son is now doing drugs and my daughter age 13 refuses to see him. I bet he did not bargain for this? What these people do is shatter families and YES the children grow up to repeat this in their own relationship. God does deal with people who cheat and one day we will all the the end result of those who do.

        3. Girl in red profile image58
          Girl in redposted 12 years ago

          I completely understand ive been 'the other woman' too and its a hard situation. Those who are wives and who have beensubjected to cheating will generally hate you and think your a slut but sometimes its not even like that.
          I was seeing a married man 18 months ago and it wasnt about sex it was about his education i was addicted to his intelligence and when we were together we acted like a married couple not two love sick teenagers keen for a desperate shag on the kitchen bench.
          I agree its horrible for the wife but its not a good situation for the mistress either especially if you fall in love.
          There will always be lust in the dangerous

        4. profile image0
          klarawieckposted 12 years ago

          I would end the relationship right now and start acting by what my conscience dictates and not my desire. I wouldn't want to be responsible for the pain I could cause that family. But that would be me... everyone's different.

        5. GetPaid profile image53
          GetPaidposted 12 years ago

          I am the other woman. I don’t believe what I am doing is right or wrong…
          When I first met Mr X, I explained to him that I had a lot on my plate and could not afford any extra emotional baggage. He said that he was going through a divorce and he had been moved out from his “home” for a little over 2 months. We talked and clicked and he piqued my interest. After a month, we were living together. He still maintained contact with his kids which I had no problems with.
          Everything was perfect for about a month or so. That was until I overheard a conversation between he and his mother and he was discussing how he was going to take his “soon to be ex” to dinner to give her the divorce papers. I was in shock because I assumed his moving out was part of the informative stage of telling his wife he wanted a divorce. I explained to him that i was under the impression that she already knew about the divorce and that I wasn’t a home wrecker. If there was any chance that they could work things out, I would gladly step out of the picture.
          That was the longest day of my life. I spent most of the night at a friends waiting for a phone call from him. It was almost 10pm before I had my guy friend call and ask if it was okay to come home. He said yes that everything was fine. We watched television for a while and then spent the next half an hour or so tip toeing around each other getting ready for bed. You could just feel the tension. Any other night we would snuggle up together before going to bed, so after he got into the bed and rolled on his side away from me, I already knew but still had to ask the question. I bluntly said, “Do I get to know what happened?” and he replied, “She started to cry and said she didn’t want to get a divorce and that they were going to try and work things out.”
          Unless you’ve experienced it, no one could ever understand pain you feel. Everything is silent, yet amplified at the same time. You can literally hear the crushing of your heart. You feel every muscle in your body tighten as your chest caves in, as what I could only describe as small seizures. They started some expensive counseling “relationship fitness program” So I can only imagine that once she found out about me, she experienced something quite similar.
          Of course I had already made plan to move out and this was the beginning week or so in February. So to be crushed right before Valentine’s Day just added a little extra kick to the sting. I had started making him a handmade gift weeks ago and told him that I still wanted to give it to him and since they were going to work things out if we could have our own Valentine’s Day beforehand. He agreed and I continued to perfect my gift. I did my finishing touches over at a friends house and I went back to the house the night before V-Day. I was excited to give him his gift but he wanted to wait until the next day. I had already told him that I didn’t want anything in return because he said he and his wife never exchanged gifts. I didn’t have a whole lot of money but I put a lot of heart into my gift. He had said previously that V-Day was just a day to get men to spend all their money on gifts. He and his were well off enough that if they needed or wanted something, they would just buy it for themselves. That just showed me that there wasn’t a whole lot of relating in his relationship.
          I had put a lot of thought, time and love into my gift. For dating just a short amount of time, I didn’t know a whole lot of what he was into but I knew he loved Elvis and the first night we met he sang “A Hunka Hunka Burning Love”. This became our karaoke song and he somehow incorporated my name into which made it even more meaningful. So I used all this in deciding what my gift was going to be. I bought a hinged wooden box, stained it, lined it with black glitter felt on the inside and some pop up heart stickers and added a laminated picture of Elvis on the top. When you opened it up, on the inside of the lid, it said…”It’s Just A Hunka Hunka Burning Love.” I had found some polymer clay and shaped it into a heart, cut out a backing layer and shaped it into flames coming from the top of the heart. I hand painted the heart a metallic pink and spray painted the flames gold. I added a few extra designs on the flames to give them a better look. I printed out a few “Love Coupon” templates and customized them for things like, breakfast in bed, foot massage, back rub, remote for the day…cute little things like that.
          He unwrapped his gift and started to cry. He said never in his life had he received a gift like this one and that it meant more to him than any gift you could ever buy in a store. The next day we were watching television again and he got an upsetting phone call from his wife I assume. Well I asked if he was going to be grumpy all day cause if so I was leaving cause I wasn’t going to let him ruin my V-Day. That particular conversation piece added to a spiteful argument and I packed my stuff to move out that day. Originally the move was scheduled for the end of the week. I had a friend come pick me up and stayed the night at her house. The next day I called once and texted a few times, only to receive no reply. When I finally did, it was a snide comment that didn’t sit to well with me. He said he had been in meetings all day and I said I wanted to talk to him in person. He came to pick me up after work and said that he really didn’t want company so whatever I needed to talk about, I needed to hurry up and do it. He made some kind of suicidal remark and I said that he just signed himself up to my personal watch program. Whenever someone starts talking like that, I don’t leave them unattended no matter how much sh*t they talk to me. We made it through the conversation and patched things up. I didn’t want to end things on a bad note. He apologized for being an a*@hole and said thanks for staying around. I mostly just let him cry and held him. One of his best friends called and wanted him and his son to go out to eat with him and his son so he said he didn’t want me to leave but I could take the vehicle for a few hours and he’d call when he got home. I loaded my stuff into the car and moved it into my new living arrangement.
          We attempted to end things with a clean break but still remained in contact. He said that his counseling wasn’t doing a whole hell of a lot and that he wasn’t sure he wanted to even try to reconcile his marriage because of how she had treated him over the years. Before moving out, he had been sleeping on a recliner in his “man room” and that they hadn’t been physically intimate for over 5 years. And yes I know, that all could’ve have been lies but I took his word on good faith. They had been co-workers and he left his previous wife for her because he found out she was cheating on him with his best friend. He wasn’t looking for anything serious cause everyone knows you don’t just jump right into rebound relationships. She was “supposedly” on the pill but coincidentally became pregnant twice in 2 years. After he found out about the first pregnancy, they got married. He told me he thought that he was trapped into his relationship but he was upholding his responsibility and providing for his family.


          I don’t like to see anyone hurt. I’m the type of person who will walk up to a stranger on the street and ask them what’s wrong if I see them crying. I have a very big heart and don’t do anything that I wouldn’t want done to me. But in this case, I hadn’t done anything to damage their relationship. He had already been moved out of his home way before I came into the picture. So what am I suppose to do now? I found this incredible man who I connect with on every level imaginable and can actually see myself happy with him for the rest of my life. Am I supposed to honestly feel sorry for the “Woman” who had him, treated him like shit and ruined her own marriage.
          She knows of me now because she read his text messages on his phone. The other things she knows, we are still stumped by because it was things we’ve only discussed with each other. Now it seems like everyday is a fishing expedition led by her to find out everything she possibly can to ensure her nest egg in a divorce settlement. So am I wrong because I fell in love? Should I put someone else’s feelings before my own? Knowing that they were headed for a divorce long before I came into the picture…

        6. fucsia profile image61
          fucsiaposted 12 years ago

          Only for a short time I had an affair with a married man. I love the sincerity and I could not stand the lies he had to say to his wife to stay with me. So I left him,  without any regret

          1. profile image0
            Justsilvieposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            No one knows what really goes on in a partnership or marriage except the two people in it. My view people need to finish the current chapter off their lives before they begin a new one.

            1. fucsia profile image61
              fucsiaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

              I heard more than a phone conversation with his wife and the tone of his lies I did not like. This made me uncomfortable with myself. I believe that before opening a new chapter in life a person should be clear with  himself and have the courage to be consistent

        7. jeni7143 profile image59
          jeni7143posted 12 years ago

          i believe that..there is no "other woman" if the husband or partner really loves his wife or partner life...

        8. jeni7143 profile image59
          jeni7143posted 12 years ago

          vise vesa..."there is no "other man"

        9. lilidauphin profile image61
          lilidauphinposted 12 years ago

          First of all, you shouldn't even be involved with a married man. If he can cheat on his wife, he'll  definitely cheat on you. If he doesn't respect his wife he may not respect you. If he gets a divorce and becomes available then you can date him. If I were you I would look for a single, available man. If you continue your relationship with this married man, you may end up getting hurt. I see it happen all the times. Don't let it happen to you because you deserve better than that.

        10. profile image52
          SOUL4REALposted 12 years ago

          WOMEN,WAKE-UP! Don't you know a man can't cheat unless a woman agree to cheat with him.Women act like they are so pressed to have a man,where you disrespect yourself and lose all common sense,it takes two to tangal.So stop trying to put it all on the man,it's the woman too! Both of you be in lust not love,let's be real,you both are in it for (sex)! This is why the man doesn't leave his wife,because he knows that's all it is,he'll tell you any damn thing,they know you are pressed! Men are good at playing head games,and women all the time fall for his lame ass game!They want to see if you are as smart as they say you are,and you fail each time,with a broken heart!Married men are off limit,unless you want a broken heart! GET IT RIGHT WOMEN! READ BETWEEN THE LINES&LIES!

          1. profile image50
            cdadaoneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            thats right i HATE A LIER

        11. CYBERSUPE profile image60
          CYBERSUPEposted 12 years ago

          Bravo, Soul4real!
              You are so right.  Hope those who you directed those statements to, take them to heart and listen.

        12. Mighty Mom profile image79
          Mighty Momposted 12 years ago

          "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."
          One of the most useful pieces of advice I've been given over the years is "consider your motives." Why are you in this relationship?
          You are the only one who knows the answer. Nor do you know why the man is in the relationship.
          Married people have affairs for a variety of reasons. Single people sometimes choose married people because they are "safe" and the possibility of them becoming too serious (e.g., confining) are remote.
          So think about why you are spending your valuable time with a man who is not completely available to you.

          If you truly love the guy and do want a future with him, I would suggest doing as someone earlier in the thread suggested. Be less available. Give him reason to think you're seeing someone else.
          Or end it entirely (a good idea, actually).
          If it is meant to be, he will come back to you. But on YOUR terms.
          Good luck. MM

        13. profile image52
          jerhenposted 12 years ago

          not easy to let go but i think..it's better to forget the man than stay in pain..hoping for impossible things to happen....lucky for those who had make it to be the wife after the long hiding scenario of being the other woman....

        14. profile image50
          sd98posted 12 years ago

          Were you never taught to treat others the way you want to be treated. I am a mother of 3 who recently caught my husband cheating. I found out cause I heard this message from a young girl crying saying "You said you wanted to be with me and you were going to change your ways and I woke up and you were gone". Yes our relationship was rocky, but you know how many times I heard him say that! We both commited so I thought to work things out. I knew he was friends with the girl from work and had suspensions, but the awful things he called her showed me he had no respect for her. When I heard that message I called him and guess who he was with, I told him never to come back! So now he lives with this young girl and she can have him. I deserve better then that. In order to cheat you must be a liar and manipulator and lack empathy. Do you know the pain it causes to everyone else. It isn't the act of cheating itself that hurts, but the lies and betrayal of trust. The humilation of going for STD tests cause you just don't know! So I guess what you should ask yourself is can you live your life with the shoe being on the other foot, cause no matter what he says odds are oneday you will.

        15. profile image53
          cupcake43099posted 12 years ago

          never be the 'other women'he's doing it with you and the his wife your his girlfreind but ask yourself this does he really love you?did the wife have affair and he's geting her back?

        16. Shelvajay profile image60
          Shelvajayposted 12 years ago

          Girl come on over and read my Blog.  I just got done with a similar situation, and I've been posting my thoughts.  At least you can come and get a laugh!!!!!

          1. profile image50
            cdadaoneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            Some mens dont relieses when they have a good lady  they just have to get a  --- to suck on them JUST DOWN RIGHT NASTY

        17. Disturbia profile image60
          Disturbiaposted 12 years ago

          My best friend says it's better to be cheated with, than to be cheated on, but a cheat is still a cheat no matter what. You're still being cheated out of something whether you want to believe it or not.  Do you really want to settle for a part-time relationship with a man that can't be trusted?  After all, he still goes home and sleeps with his wife after he's done with you... so who is really being cheated here?  She's got the ring, the name, the assets, he's got his cake and is eating it too, and what have you got?  You've got a guy who sleeps around.

          1. profile image51
            FelineFranceposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            damn you really put it in perspective.

        18. elope profile image59
          elopeposted 12 years ago

          I am not one to talk, I have been the other woman, but he wasn't married, and to tell you the truth. It really is not worth it, like, at all.

          If he runs back to his wife, you have all this anger in you from the feel of rejection. You want to tell his wife, you want to ruin his life, blablablablabla. Remember, you two are just as bad as eachother.

          If he leaves his wife for you, TRUST ME, the novelty will wear off. Yes, you 'love' him, omg of course he is the one for you, he sneaks around just FOR YOU. WRONG. He is bored with his life ATM and you are making it OH SO EXCITING. He stupidly decides you are now the one for him, and how about when he gets bored of you? Hmm? Or how about if you no longer like him because you don't feel like youre winning anymore? because he is no longer sneaking around. Then you will feel too bad to leave him because he left his life to be with you...

          Get out while you can.

          1. theseus profile image75
            theseusposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I so agree with elope,she eloquently cited out the reasons why the affair has to stop.After all it's only an affair, not the real thing. The real thing is, the man you are with is married and you are the other woman. Without judging you whatsoever, can you honestly say that you can take pride of the role you are playing? I guess not. If you are having doubts of whether to bail out or not, don't think of yourself,neither should you think of the man nor of his wife BUT of the children, yours or theirs. Can your conscience take the fact that you are a party to their losing a family? Think about it. Pray. Decide.

        19. Rastamermaid profile image66
          Rastamermaidposted 12 years ago

          Sometimes things like this happen,especially on the job.
          You're spending 8 hrs with someone day in and day out. You have nice conversations you start going to lunch together.Then you start going to happy hour after work together,then dinners and dates.
          Yes,all your times are good times,great times he doesn't have to deal with the real,his real life,wife,kids,bills,household chores,etc.
          You're just for play,sorry to be so blunt.

          There's no future with a married man,what he's doing to his wife,he'll do to you and on top of that you'll have karma to deal with.

          Now if you can keep that mindset keep him as a friend to help you out when you need.Maybe task around the house,help you paint,check out your car,etc.It's always good to keep a man around to do those things.

        20. RomanceReality profile image40
          RomanceRealityposted 12 years ago

          You don't want to have the demon over your head that you were at least in part responsible for destroying a family. Unless they are already legally separated or going through divorce proceedings, avoid having anymore romantic dealings with him.

          Besides, I agree with the others in this forum, you are just his escape from his family life. if he really loved you, he would leave his current relationship and start anew with you.

          You shouldn't try to fool yourself by justifying your actions or his.

        21. tysanders profile image60
          tysandersposted 12 years ago

          Been there, done that. They never leave and it's not worth it. Unless you're desperate, a married man can't do anything for you except use you for sex because no matter what he tells you that's what it is. As soon as his wife finds out he will leave you alone. It's just not a good situation. Also, karma is real. If you don't want your husband cheating when you get married then have respect for other people's marriages. Good luck.

        22. Bronson_Hub profile image61
          Bronson_Hubposted 12 years ago

          Risk VS reward.  Choose wisely.

        23. ela_l profile image58
          ela_lposted 12 years ago

          Have to say that if HE/SHE (the married/attatched) person is promising you that tehy will one day leave i guarantee that will never happen (or very rarely at least)
          However if they are not promising you anything or are being honest and saying they wont change anything then its up to you (the other person) to either put up with it or leave.
          I have been all three of these people and it always ends in heartache for someone.
          Just depends if the OP wants to chance it being her.
          You also have to think do you smile more than shed tears/frown, and do you even feel remotely bad for the wife? i know our own feelings mean more than the wife but as a human it has to bother you a bit that their partner is lying to be with you its not a nice feeling in itself to know that is it.
          Is he really worth it? maybe he is but if he has said he will leave he wont if he isnt promising anything then there is a chance for you.
          Once MRS finds out he will go with her most do especially if there is kids/home/work to consider then you become nothing.

          Most married men dont say they will leave, they just do it without you needing to ask as they realise you are worth it, on the same note the other woman has no right to demand he leave neither, you know full well he is attatched when you get involved so why do you think you have the right to demand anything really (i know not always that easy as feelings change)
          Good luck hope it works out the best way it can with as least heartache all round as poss.

        24. profile image51
          FelineFranceposted 12 years ago

          I have been the other woman in a relationship, not a marriage. He turned out to be a dick anyways. I do not think it is ever a good idea to be sleeping with a guy who already has someone in his life. Either way, you are letting him have all the fun - he has two girls, you are competing with his wife in a way over him. I think this make some men arrogant and I think some guys enjoy the idea of having girls for them.

          1. HattieMattieMae profile image59
            HattieMattieMaeposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            You should really ask why you are involving yourself in a marriage, and interfering in it. If it was reversed would you like someon messing with your husband?  Feline is write as well, you are just allowing a man to have is cake and eat it too. Fortunately he married the woman he did, and may love her, but you will always be asking will he leave her? Most men never leave their wives, and the few that do leave, end up leaving you too. There is nothing right either one of you are doing, and you already knew the answer when you got involved, as much as you do when you ask the question in hubpages. You are looking for someone to justify your actions, and agree to what you are doing is right when it is wrong.

        25. MyMentalistMind0 profile image60
          MyMentalistMind0posted 12 years ago

          I have spoken with a lot of women that do this. I think a big reason is the husband is lonely and not getting what he wants at home. So, he looks elsewhere while trying not to rock the cage at home because he has his act together with her. Meaning, he has a house, kids, nice family life. Bills are being paid. That is my opinion when it comes to the man. However, as the other woman sooner or later you will get tired of being the other woman and will want to be THE woman. Ask yourself this: When you and him are out, is he constantly looking around? If that is the case he is probably looking to see if he is going to get caught. If that is the case then he is sadly just trying to have his cake and eat it too. Move on with your life and find yourself another man that isn't taken hun!


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