Do your friends think of you as smug, arrogant, a blowhard? Do you have an opinion? Do you enjoy controversy? Then you too can be a Tv pundit!
I suppose every phylum has one, a species that just can't seem to make up their mind what they want to be. No one does this better than the platypus.
Cute and cuddly? Of course they are! Who can resist the appeal of a pterodactyl. But taking care of a prehistoric, winged, carnivorous brute isn't all the fun it may appear. Before you take that next step, here are some things you should consider!
Just when you thought it was safe, those pesky aliens are abducting earthlings. How would you handle a delicate intergalactic situation? Read my informative How-to Guide on Alien Abductions!
Have you ever wanted to be a TV doctor? It's not as difficult as you think. Read my How-to guide collected from over forty years of television-induced stupor. Don't underestimate yourself! You too can be a TV doctor.
The older you get, the more you become a caricature of yourself. Growing old is like staring into a fun house mirror. Is that really me, you ask? Careful who you laugh at, you too may one day resemble the object of your scorn!
Strange things happen to me, inside my head when my wife is speaking. And that is why I can never pay attention to what she is saying. Here is the best way I can explain it.
You are about to take a trip to what I call, The Estrogen Zone! Nothing is said that cannot be turned to mean whatever she thinks it should. This explains subconsciously why men run off to the golf course, or spend inordinate amounts of time in the woods 'hunting' or 'fishing'.
Plagues, pestilence, wars, rampant disease, and more pestilence …forgive me if I try to bring a little ray of sunshine into the world. I'm sorry if we're not like all the other dungeons!
Recess. Third grade. This was serious stuff. Careers were made, reputations lost at recess. One day, one play. That was all it took to go from hero to zero. "Harold has the measles", they said. "You're in left field. Don't screw it up" In the back of my mind I knew Mary Kay was watching!
It sounded like a good idea at the time. Most bad ideas do. I suppose the paradox is if it tastes bad, it must be good for you. If eating healthy is so good for you, maybe someone should tell the taste buds!
Turns out, women plan everything....from picking out their wedding dress to what they're gonna' bury their groom in. Talk about, "Til death do you part?!!"
If microbes don't even have a brain...why are they winning the survival game? Caution: you may have the urge to whack yourself over the head with your laptop after you read this.
Think talent is enough? Desperate to attract readers? Have you tried shameless self-promotion only to fail? Then it's time for the Writers' Cage Match!!
A victim of my own making, my narrative pursues me like some dread beast of prey. My words, my fate cast in stone. I wait ...and then the inevitable comes.
Despite my best efforts to diligently improve my ability to write, typically done in the ten frantic minutes remaining before my homework was due, I don’t seem to have improved much.
It's true! Jimagain was once abducted by aliens. Then he had a run-in with Sasquatch! And he once dated Brittany Spears! Or maybe it was the other way around? Anyway, being a writer, you can know I would never pull your leg. -wink!
Not since the days when ships routinely sailed off the edge of a flat earth has something so ominous, so nefarious been revealed. Go back to the comfort of your boring and mundane lives, while you still can!
I compare the political process to getting drunk and wondering who you’re going to wind up in bed with the for the next four years. To me it seems the selection process is more befitting to an episode of American Idol than the mechanisms of a sane electorate
If evolution were true, man would be extinct now. this suspicion is confirmed every time I go to the mall or watch TV.
Not to be confused with 'brain farts', otherwise known as 'cerebral flatulence'. Brain-turds are often accompanied by strenuous cerebral effort, peculiar facial expressions, and are often met with disdain by others. Has this happened to you while blogging?
Clank, clank, clank...my shopping cart and I wobble and clatter along, like Jacob Marley’s chains being drug behind me. Catching my reflection, I see a grotesque caricature of my former self staring back at me, minus the soul. Welcome to purgatory!
Utopia seemd like a good idea at the time, if we didn't have to blow up the world to get it. Despite dictators and organizations dedicated to World Betterment through Genocide, Utopia just isn't what it used to be.
Forget Yogi snatching another pic-nic basket right from under Ranger Smith's nose. Think again. Wrap your brain instead around 400 pounds of fur-covered fury; a monster-sized brute of paw and claw and a very bad disposition.
At first I was freaked out but what can a gelatinous lump of metastasized leftovers do to me that my ex-wife already hasnt? Forget Sasquatch, Bob is real!
I feel this sense of something amiss, a general state of foreboding yet lacking a specific, discrete cause for it. Once again, I stagger off with trepidation to investigate. Strange things happen in the wee hours.
Simply stated, the man-code is the unwritten rule of conduct for the male species that governs how men react toward other men. It expressly forbids men to exhibit gushing or effusive displays of affection to members of the same species. This apparently confuses those from the other side of the gene...
Frustrated with technology? Do you sometimes feel you were born in the wrong era? Feel like a Flinstone stuck in the Jetson era? It all started way back when...
Just when things were really good, technology came along and ruined it for the rest of us. It seems every advance in humanity comes with it's own inherent problems. So How do we apply the retro-fix to all of our modern day predicament? The answer may be simpler than you think!
All this talk about the brain reminds me of a scene from the Wizard of Oz when they pull back the curtain to unveil the levers and controls. While thankful for MRI and all the other devices allow us to look behind the curtain, to peer inside the inner workings as never before; we are still left as...
That old piece of primitive machinery was responsible for one of the single-most traumatic episodes of my young life. Watching my brother being gobbled up by a greedy machine right before my eyes! Due to mom's quick thinking, my brother is able to pick his nose with either hand. Thanks mom!
Let's face it, the mall is no place for pansies. Men, let put it to you bluntly...they are testing us! What to do when your wife drags you out shopping with her.
Underacheivers everywhere, unite! Quit work, spend hours writing on the web, entertain yourself with delusions of pending fame & wealth while you become desperate and homeless. Why work for a living when you can live in poverty writing a blog that no one reads? I suppose I could ask for my job...
I came upon him unaware. Suddenly he was there! Standing to meet me, waiting to greet me. Sweet unexpected Presence!
It's a grim scene at the gallows to watch an execution. The condemned conducts himself with resolute firmness; resigned to his sentence, unapologetic to the end. But is this his end?
The sound of a door turning on un-oiled hinges as it slowly creaks open seems an invite, a portal into the unknown. I fear my door has become an unguarded passageway into the world of flesh and blood I inhabit, where visitors cross over to co-habitate my world.
Since I may have arrived at the last hour of my life, I am curiously beset with an urge to negotiate with the devil in the top hat." He then grinned and tipped his hat to the adversary. "I have a proposition to make you instead.
Can you imagine ‘Granny’ in her kitchen, hair rolled up in a bun on the top of her head, in her apron laboring over a cook stove. She’s leans over her iron skillet with a wooden spoon to taste her homemade recipe. “Hm-mm," she says. "Needs a little more mono-sodium glutamate, I think.”
If evolution were true, humanity would be extinct by now. Man would have died out from mass stupidity. This suspcion is confirmed every time I watch TV or go to the mall. First we evolved from lower life forms, we know this from episodes of the...
How's that for a title with some flair ...and maybe a bit of an odor too?!! Yeah! You can put that one in your Search Engine and... click it!
Ever want to be a writer? Perhaps I should first ask if you have a history of entertaining other delusions as well? Are you given to frequent departures from reality? Then, pull up a chair and join our little group of literary misfits.
Ah, the atheist! I have to ask myself; does God ever ask himself, do atheists exist?
Let go of any idyllic delusions you may be harboring, or you too may find yourself exiled in a primitive state of self-imposed discomfort. If being miserable is your idea of having fun, then camping is for you!
Look at the expression on his face. Is it writer's block or is he constipated? Somebody toss that man some Kaopectate! Now you know why writing will never be a spectator sport.
Time takes it's toll on all of us. Forty years ago we were the young-uns zipping around like somebody kicked over a fire ant mound. All the while our parents fussed at us for being too loud or leaving the door open or coming in and out too many...
Last week the sheriff wrote four citations for an expired tag and one for a dog with malicious bowels and an errant aim. Said dog allegedly missed his tire and got his pant leg instead. Turns out if you know the judge you can get a restraining order on a dog's bladder. If that dog so much as hikes...
Somewhere on this planet there exists a group of musicians that are not a collective bunch of dysfunctional misfits. I believe that. There may even be more than one. I have never seen one myself but that doesn’t mean that it isn't possible.
That's me diving inside the garbage. Is she gone? Yes, she's gorgeous..so why am I running the other way? Because I know how it all ends! Some men will do anything to fall out of love.
Men aren't impressed by these new apps -big deal! Give me an app that tells me when my wife is going to be mad at me, or when my mother-in-law is coming to visit, before she shows up! Now that would be useful.
"Help, my cow is stuck in the tree and I can't get it down!" OK. that may sound silly but what if evolution had a sense of humor? Imagine the mess one cow could make flying overhead! Yech!!
It's a garish crime scene, littered with shreds and tatters of the remains of what used to be a roll of paper towels. Loose scraps and fragments are strewn haphazardly around the floor. Apparently it's the work of the serial paper-slasher, the...
Sometimes a crime happens so brilliant, so audacious that it boggles the mind. This isn't one of those times. This is one where someone gets taken in by their own schemes.
Barak is still whining. "Sisera and his goons are on their way over here with nine-hundred chariots of iron …I've got mud all over my new shoes," picking up one of his muddy number tens. "How are we supposed to fight in all this mud?"
You left this, last time we met. The piece of lead clattered noisily at the toe of the storytellers' boot. Flushed with rage, the gunslinger has just been called out. His blood ran cold. Death, warmed over glared back at him. It seems the stranger has a new ending to his tale.
I don't know about where you work but here it's not a good idea to get between the door and the other employees about quitting time. When the clock hit four-thirty, the parking lot looked like a scene from the 'Running of the Bulls'!
Pillage and plunder, that's what pirates do. Mark my warning, pirates in high heels lurk about. Prepare to be boarded.
This morning I woke up to find an overgrown beast sleeping on my couch. Is it a dog or... Kong- zilla? He's already huge; I estimate him to be somewhere between the size of a heffalump and Mr. Snuffalufagus. I'm talking about our new on-line...
Two things bother me...just HOW do they get deer urine? ...and who would want to buy that stuff? After you read this you won't ever wondered why hunters are required to dress like trees and wear orange in public.
Lonely walks in sleepless nights seems to be my lot of late. Eventually my aimless wanderings and morose thoughts carry me along as I traverse this meandering route. My destination seems to be a place. Not just any place. I feel as if I've been here before. And then I hear that baleful sound...
What does a French science-fiction writer have in common with a Russian girl and a cosmonaut? What event could reach across the span of nearly a century to give their lives continuity? Intrigued? Then, keep reading!
Flesh carries out its evil agenda. Steel, then becomes naught but the tool of hate. As long as hate reigns, as long as flesh succumbs, steel is left to ravage.
To say that our family is dysfunctional is probably an understatement. I don't mean that in a bad way; we just tend to, shall we say, 'color outside the lines' when it comes to family decorum.