If you're married, think back to when you were newly engaged. What do you wish someone would have told you? If you're not married, feel free to throw out advice anyway. I love to hear different viewpoints and ideas on marraiage!
All the good advice I thought I could give years ago when I was married doesn't mean the same to me anymore. I'm divorced twice. There is no one way, no completely "right" way, despite what fundamentalists may say.
My relationships now are better than they have ever been because I take responsibility for me and try to be my best self in all relationships. I don't "fix" or "save" anyone. They are responsible to do that themselves. If they need help, they can request it, and I will do what I can. I am a supporter of anything that is healthy and good for those whom I love. They are the same for me.
be true to yourself always, there will be a Mrs. in front of your name, but remember who you are as a woman.
Get a prenuptial agreement. If things go well, it won't make any difference. If they go badly, you know where you stand.
I wish someone would have told me that when a women eats wedding cake it destroys their need for sex.
Check your manhood at the door when you come home. Better yet, just cut it off and leave it at the alter.
Don't ever let your wife meet your girlfriend.
Communicate, respect and trust...If this does not work find the ingrediants to your favorite drink and make plenty of them
I am not married yet. My boyfriend and I have lived together for over two years. We have both discussed marriage, and luckily have very similar viewpoints! I guess that would be the first step -- to make sure you have similar views on marriage! But there are definitely a few more that I would suggest you are on the same page with BEFORE you tie the knot:
1. Make sure you have perfected your ability to work through problems (can you successfully talk-through a disagreement? how do you handle fighting? do you always reach a solution together? or does one, or both, of you always walk away mad and refuse to discuss problems?) Make sure you can work through issues, because if you can't, then you might have big-time unresolvable problems later.
2. Make sure you are both in agreement regarding having kids, whether it is to have kids normally, adopt, foster, and also how many kids (or no kids)!
3. (And one of the most important) If you DO have kids, are you in agreement to how you will raise them??? I believe one of the biggest problems that spouses can never resolve is their disagreements on how to raise kids (if they will be allowed to eat candy and fast food, if they will go to private/public/home school, if they will be spanked, if the mother-in-law will be allow to babysit them, if you with raise them with your religious/political beliefs, etc. etc.)
4. Do you agree where you will live? This topic can come up in the future, and you may be surprised that you never knew your spouse prefers to live in another country, or in the snow, or in Hawaii...and it might differ from your preferences.
5. Are you both in agreement on wanting pets or not? And if so, what kind of pets you will get, and how to take care of them? (Believe it or not, this can cause issues... such as, if one person wants and indoor cat, but the other says it must be out-door. Or one person would spend $1,000 on a dog surgery, and the other would just kill the dog rather than spend $1,000.)
6. Are you completely familiar with, and tolerant of, how they live at home? (that is, are you compatible with how often (and how) they clean? grocery shop? do laundry? sleep/snore? groom themselves (or not)? etc. etc. Make sure there are no hidden surprises after you move in. I advise living with the person before getting married, for this reason.
7. Have you discussed issues such as what you would do if one of you got a job offer in a different state?
8. Have you discussed what you'd do if one of your parents needed to move in with you later in life?
9. Have you discussed what would happen if one of you became disabled and ended up living in a wheelchair? Would your partner stay with you if this happened, and vice-versa?
I honestly believe that is OK to have different hobbies, beliefs, and diets... as long as you don't have kids. If you have kids, these issues become a serious problem because you will struggle to raise your kids together. How can you raise your kids consistently if one of you eats organic, and the other doesn't? Or one of you believes in God, and the other doesn't? Your poor kids will be so confused, and you will probably fight over what to teach them.
Just a few things to consider....
Good luck! And congratulations!!!
P.S. We have separate bank accounts, but we both have access to them. We share passwords and everything as a sign of complete trust. It really isn't that big of a deal, as long as there is trust. It's not like I check his account "to see if he's cheating"! No, no, no... it's more like if I'm online, he'll ask me to check his account real fast to see if his credit card payment when through. Or if he's online, I'll ask him to check my email for me. I think it's great!
We are just waiting on the marriage thing for two reasons: We are still perfecting our problem-resolving skills, and we are waiting until we are financially secure enough to buy a house. That's all.
I don't think those have to be fatal. I am the eldest of 4 children. My mother is a church-going, in-the-choir, member of the Parish Parochial Council Anglican. My father only ever goes to church for hatches, matches and dispatches. As children, we weren't remotely fought over or confused - my mother took us all to church and Sunday School, my father stayed at home. Didn't seem odd at all. They are about to celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary, and seem very happy with each other.
My OH is Jewish, and as above, I'm Anglican. Doesn't cause us any trouble, either.
Good point -- I also suppose a positive outcome of having two parents with completely different beliefs is that the child would be forced to learn how to think for themselves and figure out their own beliefs, rather than get fed what their parents decide to sculpt them as. That would be good, because children should learn to think for themselves and decide who they are on their own.
However, my key word was "consistently." Obviously, you can't raise your kids consistently if you differ so greatly. For example, I would never want my kids to eat high-fructose corn syrup, sucralose, and other horrible foods that aren't good for them -- so imagine what problems I'd encounter trying to raise my kids healthy if my partner wanted to give them Skittles and Butterfingers every day! How can I raise my kids to eat organic and healthy if my partner won't coincide with this? The result is, the kids would be raised inconsistently.
By the way, I should not have included "hobbies" necessarily... Hobbies CAN cause inconsistency in raising, such as if one person is anti-gas vehicles, and the other person's hobby is restoring old gas-powered cars! But I think in most cases, having different hobbies is fine...such as playing guitar, painting, or rock climbing. It's just nice when families can do things together, you know?
Then I suppose you have to pick a joint course and stick to it - say, mostly organic food and the odd fish-and-chips once in a while.
I agree with you about hobbies, it's nice to do things together, but also nice to have one's own interests. OH and I have a mixture - for example, we do things like surfing, sailing and swimming as a family, and I like history, he goes rock climbing.
Don't go crazy on the wedding as most poms do and spend 40,000 squid.
Make it about you and your partner and don't include all sorts of crap that has nothing to do with you or your beliefs just to keep family happy. They aren't the ones getting married. The more it is about you, the more you will enjoy yourself.
The biggest piece of advice I can give and I believe has been a big factor in my 21 year old marriage is never go to bed angry. Even if it means staying up all night you both will be better off tired than mad.
A very salient point, if anger and/or annoyance are left to fester they will become an unstoppable cancer. Secondly, if you still have individual personal goals to attain…. wait
never go to bed angry.... stay up and fight
It is no different than a career ,except their will be no bail outs
Some people say a partenarship should be 50/50
But I say if each person gives to each other 100% ,how can either lose
Listen more than you speak.
Treat each day ,like its your last day together ( yea I know ,over the top, but helps to focus)
Don't try to make your partner a better person. Instead, try to be a better person for your partner.
Advance congratulations on your upcoming nuptials .
all of what they said..plus...when your getting married, make sure you mean it. You don't want to be in it 9 years later, and say "I didnt know what I was getting into, I guess I rushed into it.." Take the idea of divorce as a choice out of it. Your not going to change each other, instead, love each other for all that you are. Love each other wholly and deeply, not for what they do for you, but who they are, and nothing more. If you do that, the doing stuff for each other comes easy. And its not always rainbows and ribbions, but it can always turn out good.
Congrats and good luck!!
Know what you really what. Know what your values are. Does the person you are marring fit those things? What if the person you are marring where to end up handicapped before the wedding -- would you still marry them? Then go for it.
Remember, the wedding is only a day. The marriage lasts a life time. Don't let wedding preparations get in the way of your relationships. (I've given up on several friend do to Bridezilla. I will not put up with a bitch, even if she is getting married!)
The wedding planning has been amazing! I think getting married over 1000 miles away from my home has actually made the process less stressful! We both realize the most important part of the day is at the end of it, I will be the wife of a guy who literally takes my breath away. After being together a little over two years, I still feel that flutter in my heart and as though 100 butterflys are taking flight deep in my stomach.
Everything else in regards to our wedding day is just the icing on the cake. I roamed this earth for 26 years, very happily, meeting every goal I had ever set...but I didn't know real happiness until my goals became the shared goals of this amazing man. *SWOON*
Sorry if anyone threw up in their mouth a little bit! Thank you all for the congratulations and well wishes!!! The advice is wonderful!
AWWWW!!! May it be that way, always. I will be celeberating my 10 year anniversary next month, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him pull in the driveway at the end of the work day. I am so happy to hear of a happy couple these days!! Congrats again.
mmmmmmm...... I wish someone would have told me that the other person as well as yourself changes and that we should have learned eack others bad habits before we were married. My husband has some habits that are annoying but after 15 years I have learned to try and overlook them, but it drives me bananas!
We've only been married a year and a half now but our main thing is to not go to bed angry and if we are in an argument, to walk away until we calm down. It's easier to negotiate than to argue. Tell the other what you feel so if your angry, expalin why your angry and why it made you angry.
If or once you have kids, make sure you set time aside for your significant other. I have noticed that we start to argue more if we haven't spent some alone time together so I normally find a baby sitter and we go out on a date.
Do things to surprise your spouse. Mixing things up a bit helps keep it from becoming routine. My husband will come home from work and I'll have a picnic ready to go so I throw him in the car and the kids and us go to the park. Even though he complains at first, he's happy later .
I never did the actual wedding thing. It was just to expensive. I don't mind anyways. I'm happy that I'm married to him no matter how we got married. Anyways, enjoy that day and get lots of pictures!
One what? A man, or a wedding? Or a celebration? Maybe you just need a good party.
Just be sure the person your marrying holds the same interests as you - not all interests as people do differ - but for the most part you two should hold the same interests - only advice I should have listened to myself years ago - good luck and happy marriage to you
I'm going to be the odd woman out here and discount the whole not going to bed angry thing. I can't tell you how many people told me that before I got married three years ago. Personally, I think it's unrealistic. You and your wife-to-be are both human beings with complex feelings and emotions that cannot necessarily be resolved in one evening or a couple of hours. There have been many times where my husband and I have slept in separate rooms because of a fight. Using that time alone with our own thoughts helped us each put things in perspective. Sometimes I think that fighting and arguing is healthy and cathartic. Some arguments just aren't meant to be hashed out in an evening. Marriage isn't a sit-com.
Besides that, look forward to becoming a team. My parents were always a team and looking back, I can see how that helped them through raising two children, managing housework and careers. You need to be each other's best friend and support. I think if the foundation of your relationship is based on a true friendship, handling the bumps in your journey together will seem easier.
Marriage is a joyous gift that is intended to be the start of a long lasting journey for the rest of their natural lives. looking upon the lives of many couples of late makes you wonder if they really know what true love is in comparison to how it used to be in the old days.
In the past couples took the time to get to know others by dating over a lengthy period and taking the time to get to know a person while getting closer which involved families adn friends accepting their unison. Lately, couples have a good time in the passion of infatuation and feel that it's love and want to get into a marriage or for some it's for the money and when they get into it they find out that's not what they want and then want a divorce.
I think before you say those "I do's" you both should think long and hard on what you really do have because when you do say those words they should mean something more than words they should mean that lifetime commitement and not to be considered a 50/50 committment but a complete 100% committment on both sides followed by the expectation of compromise which can be easily accomplished by conversation and not holding it all inside expecting your spouse to be a mind reader. Be honest and upfront and keep it real is the road to success.
For the wedding planning...
1. Use contracts with all suppliers. Ideally one with a financial penalty for supplying items that deviate form what was agreed upon. Weddings are a one-off type transaction, repeat business is kind of low and customer services isn't always so hot as a result. I had many problems with people not providing what they said they would; my flowers were not what we discussed and the cake was not what the baker promised me.
2.Delegate. Please do not end up running the show on your big day--it's too much work. Especially the reception. This is where having an event coordinator can be a big help. Otherwise ask bridal party members to help out but be specific and clear in what you want/need to avoid confusion.
3.Things will go wrong. Sometimes horribly wrong--I'm thinking of the August wedding with the limo that had broken a/c and no muffler. There's not much you can do, perfection is rarely achieved, especially at weddings, so decide, in advance, to go with the flow and enjoy yourself no matter what.
3.Don't skimp on the memories. Don't cheap out on the photographer or videographer because those will be the single most important and lasting mementos of your wedding. Invest in them accordingly.
Still got enough time to reconsider the decision...
But, if in the end you go for it, just commit yourself to it.
Devout to your wife.
She will be replacing your mother.
If you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, do it. I have been married to my husband four years, this November. It doesn't seem nearly that long. There is nothing better than spending your life with your best friend.
Always date your spouse and do it on a regular basis. Not just once a year on your anniversay.
There has been some good advice already written.
Determine what both of your expectations are. For example, who do you expect to do what around the house? How do you expect finances to be dealt with? Plan more for the relationship than the wedding!
The advice has been amazing! Thank you all so much! It is such a joy to read advice and suggestions from people with all different backgrounds and situations. Love is amazing!!!!!
Your thread "inspired" me to write a new Hub. (If you're interested it can be found through my profile. It's the newest one.) By the way, thanks for inspiring me - I've been in a rut when it comes to writing recently.
"They f--- you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were f---ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself."
Make sure you both have a mutal respect for one another, always be there for one another, and never, never let your family in on any arguments that you both should have. Your disagreements should stay between you two. Take an interest in the other persons hobbiy or hobbies, but also make sure you have your own hobbies as well. I never watched Nascar, but my husband loves to watch Nascar, so I took an interest in watching it with him, that was his request, that I enjoy watching Nascar with him and like his favorite driver(Jimmy Johnson). So, now I like to watch Nascar with my husband.
I have to disagree in part. My advice is this, and I think you're following it, Skippingthrulife: Use every resource available to you. Marriage is an expression of your love but it is also a community/family affair. Recently my boyfriend and I were having some issues (marriage has been on the table a lot recently). Our conflict got back to his parents, who actually turned out to have some great (and some laughable) advice. We had already mostly resolved our issues but talking to them and including them felt really good. They have been married for 35 years so it was great to get their perspective, also they know all of his issues and reminded me that they love me, too. As for developing an interest in things your partner enjoys, that's a great idea but works best if it goes both ways...
I see there are a lot of comedians out there.
I appreciate each of your posts as it gives me a 360 degree view of marraige.
While I am going to go thru with the marriage , I am curious as to why those who say "Don't" say "Don't."
Make sure you and your fiance are committed to each other, even when things get hard. One does not want to leave his mate because of a dissagreement. Do what's reasonable to calm down and communicate. Use I words instead of You words. Like I feel this way when....instead of you always....This tends to be more beneficial so the other person doesn't feel attacked. Overall be a team. Both persons should view things as "ours" and "we" not "mine" and "me". There is so many things that can help your marriage but remember to love and respect each other. Much success to you!!
I've been married for 15 years. Life is not perfect. People are not perfect. But I still love my husband and he loves me.
It takes work. Every damn day whether I feel like it or not. Sometimes I have to change. Sometimes he has to change. Sometimes the changes are huge. Sometimes we've been on the brink of divorce. But we work at it and we never give up and we're still here.
It has been the best partnership of my life. I am very lucky.
To the couple to be, always keep the lines of communication open. It's very important to talk things out, if either of you are having problem. if one is not talking to the other, they will start to feel that; it's something he or she said or did and everything gets blown out of porportion. Another thing don't let anyone bring you any gossip or anything about what they heard or saw,either you doing anything. if you stop people from bring you information about your partner; that will stop a lot of headache and heartache. Always be honest with each other, because if you don't something will come between the two you and break you up. last but not least, I hope the both of you have some kind of God in you, because you will need his guiding to help to keep everything in it's proper perspective. Anyway may God bless you and yours to be a happy and long marriage. Godspeed.
Suggestion, Instead of spending a bunch of money in the wedding celebration, go on a vacation and spare the rest of the money in a savings account for a future business or home.
It's important to "be the right person." But it's also important to find the right person. From experience, I found the right person and it makes all the difference. There are some people that need each other like a seahorse needs a bicycle. Don't end up as one of those couples.
Don't compromise on this one. If you are not sure, ask yourself "would I want my future child to marry someone like him/her?" That question helped me sidestep a bad situation and land the right one. Today, I can say that I would love for my son to marry someone like my wife.
If its avoidable avoid it. Or else Enjoy your bachelor days till they last
I liked Bibowen's advice.
Also, think of your future children - most likely they will inherit the worst of both parents :-)
Can you live with that? How "bad" is "bad" in your mate? You'll see it reflected in your kids.
Lastly, don't fight over things that really don't matter in the long run. Pick your battles. Stick to the issue - don't get personal - and be quick to forgive and forget.
I wish you luck in your marriage. I myself am a newlywed. Its hard but beautiful. Never go to bed mad. No matter how mad you get or insecure you feel,(because sometimes men say stupid things) remember he picked you out of all the women in the world. Stay you. Its nice to share your life but everyone needs things that are just theirs. Talk things out between yourselves. Do your best not to involve friends or family when not needed. Sometimes they talk to much. Keep sex exciting and new. Most important...Love yourself and loving him will be a breeze! Best wishes!
Congrats! I'm coming on ten years of marriage. My best advice is to pick your arguments. If your spouse throws his or her dirty socks on the floor, yeah, it's annoying, but is it worth having a huge argument over? Also, make sure you each have time alone with your friends so that you can continue to be individual people.
Sounds very sensible indeed. Great-Aunt Ethel can like it or lump it.
Or you could take Lady Bracknell's advice:
To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.
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