Do you get angry if your boyfriend/spouse looks at other women?
Assuming he doesn't do it in front of you, is looking harmless? Would you want him to be honest about it if he does or keep it to himself?
My husband tells me just about everything. He is honest when he feels he has done something wrong, so I really don't mind if he looks. He usually tells me and feels bad anyway. But I would find it a problem if he did it repeatedly in front of me, and especially if it was toward the same girl/woman. Then it becomes a problem.
Thank you kereeves3. You bring up an interesting point about if it was the same person. I can definitely see that becoming a problem.
I think the better question might be "Does your boyfriend get mad when you punch him in the eye?" :-)
I'll take that as a resounding yes. lol, thank you.
Honestly, I was trying to be humorous but will probably offend people. Honestly, we all look at people. I try not gawking and being disrespectful and I expect the same thing.
Yeah, well I'm sure I'll be getting emails from concerned citizens about how to fix my self-esteem now ;-)
I figure if you are comfortable enough to punch him in the eye, he's just as likely to have self esteem issues.
A powerful woman can be a dangerous thing for a man who's insecure enough to be abusive.
No, but really, I'm not abusive :-)
I was just being funny. Honestly, I think I do more looking than any guy I've ever been with. I'm fascinated by people. Sometimes I even drive on the sidewalk. ;-)
By "powerful" I meant self confident and unafraid. It takes the wind right out of an abuser's sails.
Also, when others joke, I joke back.
My wife and I are also fascinated by people. It's typical for us to share insights. Some call us odd.
Phew, sorry... just checking. Some people can be so sensitive and I have my shield up waiting for the assaults. But odd is good... I like odd... odd is my favorite :-)
I prefer to be hard to agitate. Or easy to be chill, if you prefer.
Odd is great. Though, I may be biased.
That's the way to be! I just don't like fitting the mold of what everyone else is. Diversity makes things interesting.
Doesn't bother me if it's in front of me or away from me. I couldn't imagine expecting him to ignore beauty or his human nature. We are both free to look whenever we choose so long as we aren't running into stuff staring. We are both happy and comfortable with each other. I know where he gets his needs met and that's all that matters to me.
No, not at all. I don't think looking is considered cheating. There are beautiful people in this world and it's very unrealistic to think or expect a man not to ever admire someone else just because he's in a relationship with you. I actually know someone who told me that people watching was cheating. I just burst out laughing because I do think it's something very ridiculous! Damn! so don't go to the beach with your boyfriend either. I think this is all insecurity if you ask me. A relationship is about trust. If your partner is treating you well and comes home to you, then there's no reason to feel threatened.
Although I haven't had a "boy friend" in many years - Here is a tip my dad told me when I started dating. Men who are "real men" like to look at women. It is as natural as women who are real women like to look at men. It is not important that they enjoy looking at the opposite sex except that it is natural and unnatural for them not to do that. The important thing is who they leave with, not who they look at or flirt with. Dad always flirted with hostess and told jokes to amuse the crowd. He was always welcome in any place he'd been to because he was a joy to be with. Mom never cared, they belonged together and there was nothing more to say. He also told me that if the guy wanted to stray push him away because I deserved better than that!
My husband and I have a common foundation of a value system about what it means for me to respect, honor and love him and vice versa. So...
My husband does everything he can to honor me as his wife so he has different strategies for standing upon his value system. In one practical example, we were getting all these catalogs in the mail that had all these women dressed in underwear etc. He asked if he could cancel the catalogs so they wouldn't even come into the house. So he tries to make his environment honorable to me wherever he can.
Of course, that can only be carried so far as attractive women are everywhere! So another thing my husband tries to do is have respect for all humanity and so instead of seeing woman in just a sexual sense he tries to look at the person as a whole and acknowledges beauty in a wholistc sense and thinks of women in terms of sister, mother, daughter, friend, etc. as he strives to seem them for who they are, not just what they look like.
My husband says, "You can't control attraction but you can control what happens next." So if he was tempted by what he saw he does what he calls "Bouncing his eyes and thoughts" and he will immediately shift his eyes and internal focus to a picture of me or a remembrance of an intimate moment between the two of us. He allows thoughts directed in that manner to be an invitation to putting thoughts of me in that place instead.
He knows I want to be the one that satisfies him so if he's feeling deprived in any way he knows he can tell me and I'll help that not be an issue. :-)
Because we've already formed a basis for the values of our relationship, this is a topic that we don't even really need to talk about--it's a non-issue in our marriage. I understand not all marriages are set up this way...
My ex-fiance used to struggle with this and yes--it did bother me. The more details he told me about it (he was very honest about it, at least) the more it bothered me. Sometimes its best to know the gist of a matter than know all the details.My discomfort was spot on because the "innocent" glances turned into not so innocent glances which eventually led to him cheating on me.
Awesome answer. Each relationship is it's own blend of two people. It's beautiful when that blend creates a bond of trust.
Thank you for your answer. It sounds like you have an amazing relationship and a great deal of understanding is shared between you and your husband.
Beauty can be appreciated by anyone. If a person gets angry because their spouse was looking at some one it simply means the person is extremely insecure and immature.
It's not even an aspect of a normal relationship between mature adults. There would never be any questioning. Both parties to the relationship should be able to acknowledge beauty in others without fear.
I don't mind if my husband looks at a woman and finds her beautiful, or attractive. It would bother me if he lusted after her. If he just noticed an attractive woman I would not care if he told me or not. If he was having lustful thoughts about a woman I would want to know.
By "lustful thoughts" do you mean thinking about her, as in fantasies? If he were honest and told you he had these thoughts, how would you react? (with anger, or hurt, etc?)
No it doesn't bother me. I am the one he is with and has been for 42 years. I know he likes women and it doesn't bother me at all if he looks. He can look in front of me as well, it is no threat for me.
Now if he was rude and made idiotic noises or ogled the woman with his tongue hanging out, then it might really irritate me because that behavior is just stupid and rude - but he is much classier than that.
A glance is one thing , a stare is another. I wouldn't expect him to tell me if he looks at some one passing by.
Amen, Tenila. If he stares, he'd best not do it on my time. Staring is disrespectful. Period. But glancing? Well, some people are so gorgeous we can hardly help but take several discreet glances. I have.
Nope it doesnt bother me at all. We are quite open about it and I think that helps. Keeping something a secret is the thing that hurt a relationship more than actual looking at another girl/guy.
We are people that comes in different sizes/shape/race there will be someone that is bound to catch your attention whether you like it or not.
Nope. I kinda think it's sexy when my spouse looks at other women.
... but seriously, my wife and I consider it natural for each of us to notice other people.
We actually consider it healthy to talk about what we each like and who we find attractive and why. Believe it or not, this openness, being reciprocated evenly, keeps our relationship closer.
Bear in mind, we do not typically go out of our way to point out, "hey, there was this really hot woman/man I met today." We simply allow what naturally comes up in conversation to be. Such as when we are watching a movie together and the beautiful princess, or Magic Mike, comes on the screen. Or, occasionally, if someone flirted heavily with us and made our day a little brighter with a much needed ego boost.
There is more trust, and there are less lies when we are not afraid to share. We are of the mind that our passions should never be cause for shame. It's our actions that keep us honorable and trusted.
I know, I'm not a woman, and this question was clearly directed at the fairer gender. I hope you will forgive a crazy man and indulge my answer.
When a man gets married, he may be married, but he's not dead. Likewise, a boyfriend. Men will look. That doesn't really mean anything other than they are alive and have vision and are doing what comes naturally. Flirting is another story altogether, but a passing look is nothing to get mad about, especially if done discreetly.
I think that it is foolish for anyone ~ man or woman ~ to think that their significant other is never going to look at another person. We have eyes and there are lots of beautiful people. Just because you look doesn't mean that you want everything you look at. If you had to report everyone that you "looked" at in a day....you would have to keep a very long list if you were honest. By the way....I think just as many woman notice beautiful woman and that men (whether they admit it or not) also notice other attractive men. Just human nature!
No one has "tunnel vision". It's unrealistic to expect anyone not to notice an attractive person just as it is unrealistic to control someone's eyes or thoughts. Both men and women look at others.
You either trust someone or you don't. If someone feels "disrespected" in their relationship it's important to remember no one is "stuck" with anyone.
Great question! I thought this way until later. I know vague, yet it is historical. I dated a lady who was bisexual and our relationship was devoted and autonomous. We did not date others in other words. Male or female. However, when it came to window shopping, well we shared and did a whole bunch of ogling at times and there were giggles too. My attitude has changed since having that experience with relationships.
I don't see why he would be looking.....Why would he...if he "has" me???))))))
Do you believe that he should not be attracted to other women at all, or that he just shouldn't look? Does it feel threatening if he looks?
Everyone looks....no threat...no thought really about it...there is an inherent nature to look at other people...it is the perseption of why they are looking....if you don't perceive it the wrong way....I look at people all the time..don't you?
What I mean is looking at them because they are attractive. In other words, checking them out. Not necessarily tongue-hanging-out staring, but just looking.
The problem is that most think they are looking because they find them "more" attractive. Are they "checing them out" because they look better...are they "checking them out" because they seem better...sturdy relationships get past "checking out".
as long as we're good and feeling connected --he can do just about anything. If not, then probably... not.
I don't mind my husband finding other women attractive as long as he is not attracted "too" them. What I mean by that is saying how I find women & other men attractive but I am not attracted to them in a sexual manner. I know there are a lot of beautiful woman out there as well as handsome men. If it goes beyond paying a compliment to full out lusting then I will have an issue with it because that is disrespectful. Real , honest, true love would not seek after lust in the first place.
I am a woman though & I do at times feel beneath other women in looks but who doesn't anymore? Thanks to society's high standards on looks its no wonder even models have self-esteem issues! As long as my husband makes me feel wanted & desirable, jealousy is the furthest thing from my mind.
Thank you, ii3rittles. I think you hit on a key aspect with the distinction of finding someone attractive versus being attracted TO them. The latter would imply that some kind of action is going to happen (flirting or worse). Excellent answer
Looking at other women only becomes a problem when your relationship is solely based on sexual aspect. You know, the kind of thinking that whenever a man looks at a woman all he can see is the body without clothes on it and what he can do about it. It's kind of pathetic thinking.
Another is that when you think that you "own" your boyfriend/spouse, that since you are married or committed to each other, he or you should not admire others anymore. That is not healthy. This thinking leads back to "sexual" aspect again.
But if you have other thoughts, especially positive and healthy thoughts, then you won't even think that you should feel angry, or hurt when your bf/spouse looks at other women.
No, he can still find other women attractive as long as he's not disrespectful with it. I would let him express himself freely as long as I can do the same. Beauty should be admired and appreciated and that's something we can enjoy together.
I am fine with him looking at other woman I don't see any harm in that, I don't mind him looking at all,
From a guys point of view, contrary to popular belief, we do not imagine ourselves doing the horizontal tango with every pretty women we look at. Most of the time we just look to admire a pretty face or a beautiful form. My ex girlfriend used to point out beautiful women to me, so I am very sure she did not mind me looking.
As for the last part of the question, if I look at a women without my girlfriend around, I would be honest, if my girlfriend asked. But if she did not ask, I would not mention it, as I was just looking, I had no intention or thoughts of cheating on her.
I believe that we are all hardwired to Admire Beauty, there is nothing wrong with looking, as long as we do it respectfully to the person we are looking at ( not staring like a fool ), I believe women do not mind an honest admiring look.
And I know for a fact that I do not mind if my girlfriend looks at other men.
Looks…no…we are only human…long drawn out stares with their tongues wagging…yes…that’s just uncalled for and disrespectful.
Oops Michael, thought you should know your tongue is hanging out of your mouth... I'm not sure if you'll understand me with that glazed look on your face :-)
Oh sorry...what was that hot stuff (wipes the drool from my mouth)?
Hey, don't feel bad, I drool for no apparent reason. Some people find it offensive. I never know if I should wipe the drool while I'm talking to them or just leave it there?
Drooling sucks...especially when you're sleeping...I hate waking up with my face stuck to the pillow.
Shhh, don't tell anyone else but I've been know to have to do the "middle of the night pillow flip"
Join the club...we've all been there.
Yes, but when the person in bed next to you has to flip their pillow from your drool, that's embarrassing!
Yes it is...but it could also be fun...you could smack them with their wet pillow.
He he he, yeah if they weren't already yelling at you for being a "mother *****, ****** sucking, disgusting ******!" Then you look up with half open eyes and say; "Whaaat? real slow like
Man...you really are a wild one...you go girl!
I still think it has something to do with eating those led paint chips. I don't think my parents knew they were dangerous in the 80s.
You too...I love me myself some good old paint chips.
It used to bother me when I was out with a guy and he looked at another girl. But then as I got older I realised that its just a natural thing to do. Lets face it, if I was out with someone and a really nice looking guy walked past I would gawk big time! lol! I remember being in a pub with a guy, and a girl would not leave him alone. She even had the audacity to come and sit with us. Yes he was just being polite, but I got up, walked over to a table full of men and sat myself down! He soon got the hint!
hahahaha yup I think that makes it pretty clear!
I will admit i used to get mad when my husband would look at other woman....but now i dont have a problem with it at all anymore, because i know that he is coming home to me no matter what. but he is starting to stare at certain woman right in front of me and constantly talk about them jokingly for a few days after, he has even admited to me that he doesnt want to be with these other woman, he just imagines how they would be the the bedroom and etc.....it makes me a little sad at times but i try to block it out. should i be worried?!?
I don't think there is anything wrong with it my partner and I look together.
From my own point of view, there's nothing wrong with finding someone other than your significant other attractive. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to them. This goes for both members in a relationship, even if it's in front of one another. In fact, a person would have more reason to be jealous if their lover wasn't being honest with them. Dishonesty implies unfaithfulness.
Basically, there's nothing wrong with the attraction as long as it's never physically acted upon.
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