How do you feel about this subject and what are some of your stories. Meaning when your heart is involved.
Run, do not walk away.
If you want to be together, clean up your relationship messes first, become single THEN see where it goes.
There is NOTHING but heartache in the scenario you described. Often, it's much worse.
Exactly. Any man or woman who has a lover while still married is bad news, in my book. I don't care how broken their marriage is!
I get annoyed at men who stay married until they find someone else, so they don't have to do without sex. And I get just as annoyed at women who use their husband as a meal ticket until they can snare a better option. Either have the balls to leave and live on your own, or don't fool around.
"Any man or woman who has a lover while still married is bad news, in my book. "
Not to mention the other party to the affair, married or not.
You're way too pretty to have to share any man!
I agree. You shouldn't go sneaking around to be with someone. Just try to do the right thing and get a divorce if necessary but don't play games.
the old adage you reap what you sow... if you are doing it to someone then someone will inevitably do it to you...not nice I know but it seem the way of the world
You've gotten a lot of flak on this thread, but after my post perhaps some of that will shift in my direction and give you a break. Many of the others are basically freaking out at the very idea of dating someone who is married, but I for one don't see it as being such a cut and dried topic.
1. There are people who maintain a so called "open" marriage where dating outside the relationship is acceptable to all parties. I've been in such without seeing it as a problem, and I do mean as the one on the "short end of the stick"--as in, knowingly putting my 2nd wife on a plane from South Dakota to go have an affair with a fellow in Denver. No harm, no foul.
2. There are marriages that still exist on paper which are as good as dead already. I once deliberately courted a lady who was still married, as was I at the time. She'd been trying to get out of her situation, and I was weak enough (this was many decades ago) to need an anchor to get out of the marriage I was in. It worked, we're best friends to this day, and I feel absolutely no remorse for my actions.
3. My fifth wife was still in a relationship (not a marriage) when we met. She dumped him shortly after that, we had six good years together and even built a multimillion dollar business (from which, of course, I retain not a dime today).
4. My sixth wife was still married, though separated. Her soon-to-be-ex was running around with another chick. She had once thrown his clothing out into the snow and set it afire, which introduced her to the local cops quite effectively.
5. Pam (my wife today, #7) had been with Richard for 3 years of homelessness prior to meeting me. After a few weeks of getting acquainted (we were neighbors in an apartment complex in Nevada), I shipped her on a bus to a safe house in South Dakota with friends, shipped him out on a southbound bus to Arizona, and went from there. Today we're still (14 years later) hooked at the hip, and he's dead. No, didn't kill him; some green crud in his lungs did.
Bottom line: I don't see dating a married person as inherently either "good" or "bad". Every situation is unique, with a specific price to be paid if you choose to date somebody's spouse. The question is not "should you" or "should you not"...but "what is the price" (for all concerned, including kids if any), and "is it worth the price of the whistle"?
In other words, "Take what you want, and pay the price without whimpering."
To act without calculating that price, though...that is at least unwise, whether or not amoral.
Very good advice Ghost.
Didn't think about open marriage and whether it's acceptable to all three parties because it just might be, I didn't have a lot of info before I jumped to conclusions.
Thank you Ghost!! Not every situation is as black and white as people think they should be. Life has a lot of grey areas...until we've walked in that person's shoes, will not understand their circumstances.
Absolutely agree! All sorts of issues arise: money, security, children.
After two meaningless marriages (yes, my fault due to security issues), I am now in happy insecurity with my soul mate. We will probably go through a meaningless legal procedure to ensure each other's financial security as much as possible and to give each other the right to take health decisions on behalf of the other. That will not impact at all on the fact that we have decided to be together. Our decision does not need legal or religious approval.
First of all, if your heart is NOT involved - what about that?
Second thought on this - and this is my personal view only - marriage is nothing more than just a piece of paper saying you are together. Legal term defining legal status, and a certificate to prove it.
It should be a union of two hearts, for life. You don't need papers for that.
When one of the couple (or both) starts thinking about other(s), the question is whether that real union still exists. Most of the times - no.
No, you dont want to hurt others feelings and yours too in the end,
Dating someone that is married is always a mistake. Who doesn't realize it (if we're talking about an emotionally mature person) will know it sooner or later! No doubt!
Yes. I agree on that. It is a big mistake, marriage is a relationship made by God and any relationship bonded by God shouldn't be destroyed by humans.
Been there, done that. Never get your heart involved though. What looks greener on the other side is merely a time-lapse illusion.
It has to be mutual so follow your heart - then it is for the very best.
Sorry to turn into the moral police but dating a married person is wrong. First off you have a hand in wrecking someone else's family/household. The person cheating with you is showing you they are untrustworthy and are deceitful. (When people show who they are believe it). It is highly unlikely that he/she is going to give up 80% for a 20% supplement. It cracks me up when people believe the 1 side of the story they hear from the unfaithful married person and really "hold on" thinking that they have a good person. That's like walking into a gambling hall in Las Vegas -sitting next to someone who's stealing chips from other gamblers, marking and counting cards, cashing in fake money (false promises) and then you enter into a business proposition with them. Real smart.
Are you kidding? What is your definition of "married"? -- if your brain is involved?
Deny your heart. It's stupid and wrong. Feelings of the heart come from thoughts. Thoughts need to be chosen not given into.
Too many single men/women to look to the married ones! No, all the goods ones aren't taken. Whatever qualities you like in this person can be found in thousands more out there. Don't waste your time. If he/she will date you while they're married, they'll do it to you too.
Unless you are willing to break up a marriage and possibly a family, it's a bad idea, even with the heart involved. You can't be that desperate.
Wrong, just wrong.
If they are willing to betray the person they stood up and said they would...."forsake all others, until death..."
you think they are going to be someone who you can trust? They would simply leave you at the first sign of adversity. If they were serious they would leave their spouse first.
Mikel, in many cases that's true. I was just browsing the comments on Veronica's Hub. One of the posters was a man who left his wife and kids because he fell in love with another woman.
He married that woman and they were together for several years - but he posted to say "I really thought she was "the one", but now I can't stop thinking about this woman at work..."
This is a very touchy subject. But oh how many have fallen into it without realizing it! A married woman who's feeling unappreciated, lonely or bored can slip into another relationship just as easy as a married man. It's not always because the one who strays is a bad person (once a cheater always a cheater). Many things can lead a spouse or S/O to stray. The best solution is to find out WHY the spouse is seaking affection elsewhere. What is the underlying reason? And then ask themselves "Do I want to be married anymore?" Yes, it's complicated. But it can be reversed.
I'm not sure it's that easy to be tempted - it's what you DO about it that matters. A married woman who realises she's fallen in love with another man doesn't "slip" into his bed - she has to make a conscious choice. No sympathy.
And don't forget the unmarried woman who makes the choice to 'slip' into the married man's bed.
like everything people do but don't want to be accountable for, let's pretend that cheating on your spouse or lover is a "disease". yeah, that's it.
p.s. married people shouldn't date. it's a no-brainer really.
I dated a Denny's waitress for a month untill she disappeared. One day I saw her at Wallmart with a small child, she told me that she finally got divorced. I had no Idea, no wonder she never invited me over to her place.
don't do it!!!!!
I've been on the wrong side of that situation twice. the first was a wife beater and I was glad he found someone else but it still hurt and a child was involved. the second turned out to be a drunk and left me and our 2 year old for a bar fly 17 yrs his jr. They are now divorcing and he wants me back lol lol lol lol . NO WAY. I'm happy now
Nothing good ever comes of cheating.
I wonder, would anyone ever openly say, "Yeah, you should date someone who is married. It's a very good idea."
What if they are still married but have been apart for 1 year. How do you feel about that?
If you are married, you are married. I don't feel good about being apart.
I mean if they have been seperated. Is that wrong then to date her?
So that is a straight no? Dont date her because she is still married even though she has been seperated for 1 year? I am looking for personal advice here.
It's a situation where it shouldn't have happened in the first place. If 'you' (you being the one who is single) knew the person was married, then they would be considered off limits in my book. But with that said, if something were to manifest, I believe (just a personal belief here) you should wait until the divorce or separation is legally finalized...that's just me.
It depends on the situation. I didn't go through divorce until 4 years after my husband and I separated. It wasn't that I was hoping for a reconciliation, it was just a factor of cost. Until I met someone else,there was no driver to go through the legal process - mentally and physically it was over.
I think if the couple has been separated for a year, the marriage is effectively over, so I can't see what the obstacle would be unless you have religious objections.
You may be getting into a messy situation, but don't look to others for personal advice.
What do you really think, personally?
There's this one married girl that I date all the time. I keep getting her pregnant though.
Jykeith, if you're angry all the time, that's more than a clue. That's a trap. Here's hoping you make it out safely before having to do as more than one wolf has done in the wild, i.e. chew your own leg off to obtain freedom. It sounds a bit like you may actually be in an emotionally abusive relationship with her, and getting out of one of those is not necessarily easy at all. I was the one who was abused (verbally) in my 3rd marriage, and even though I'd never been in that sort of situation before and never since, it still took me three full years and change before managing to cut and run like a rabbit, leaving a note on the table and watching my rear view mirror with fear sweat running down my armpits like crazy.
Best wishes for sure.
This situation sounds like it's not good, no matter how you slice it. Just from what I've read from your posts, and including your last one.
You've got only one problem. Dealing with the fact that there is NO upside to this adventure/journey. Common-sense must give way to morality.
Your actions by itself, are morally wrong. To have even started this relationship.
Her actions by itself, are morally wrong, simply because she has broken her personal vow to a mate that she chose. The loyalty factor and trust issues you are building a relationship on are false and have no foundation for growth. Thus, your infactuation with this woman is what has you. Not love.
Love comes when moral actions are right and valued as unbreakable. Thus, this builds spiritual harmony in a marriage.
Just a thought. Self-evaluation, special key to unlocking knowledge and moral ground.
I dont think any one should be unfaithful in a marrage or relationship.....my Hub broken love...shows that I know what I ma talking about.....
That behavour is exclusively for the suits and white collars , how dare you even contemplate entertaining the notion
Dating someone who is married means you have no respect for someone else's relationship, and in the world of Karma...what goes around comes around.
As some one soon to be married, the men who are low enough to sleep with another mans wife best keep away from my girl
Personally I would never do that. My husband is my husband and I am fully married to him, body, heart, and soul. And I wouldn't condone anyone else doing it either but that is your choice not ours.
I dated a married man once.. Well the SOB didn't tell me he was married until I found out.. took me 4 years to finally end it..
Dating a married man... extreme pain and not worth it
Emotional affairs are also common. I heard of a situation where a married woman became emotionally involved through email, telephone and texting which eventually led to a relationship that was sexual in nature. Just because she never met the man in person does not mean it was not an actual affair. It was an affair of the heart regardless of whether it was in the physical sense. The romance, excitement and phone sex kept the affair alive. Even though she was quite aware the relationship could only end up on the rocks, she had an insecure attachment to the man who was playing with her for a sexual thrills and an ego boost. She was in love with the attention and flattery, not the man himself. The man she was so enthralled with was staying with and using another woman for a meal ticket while he carried on an affair with the married woman on the side. Once the married woman realized he was a user just playing around with her emotions for thrills, she opened her eyes and walked away from it. Thank goodness she did. It saved her marriage and she is very happy and appreciative of her husband, as well as in therapy. The poor woman who was being used for a meal ticket by this man never had a clue. Let us hope she realized what he really was and booted him out.
hee hee how funny. trying to imagine the logistics of such a thing...
I thought the same thing as you: how can two people have sex on the phone? So I asked. (In my mind I was thinking "what are they doing with the phone?"). Sounds strange, but many are doing this very thing today. They speak to each other as if they are together and say the things they would say if they were engaged in the sex act. You need to only use your imagination to figure it out. Even though there was no actual physical contact, the connection between the two was there as if they had actually engaged in the sex act itself. That's why, in the case I discussed, it was so difficult for the woman to release the emotional attachment and move on. She felt as if they had actually made love to each other many times. Amazing how the mind works, is it not? It would take some deep fantasizing to create such an encounter.
To share in phone sex, takes only a little self esteem. People who love touching themselves, and are comfortable with themselves, quite enjoy phone sex. It's fun. You do not have to rely on fantasy, because you literally have someone whispering nasty commentary, in your ear.
Take the time to read his profile he is a he, lololo I can bet he is the man on the left of the pic and his wife is on the right. I also believe he is asking what our thoughts on dating someone who is married possibly referencing other relationships not his, but to answer the question, " Dating someone who is married?" I would say absolutely not
Yes that is me, and no thats not my wife, nor am I married. Is there something that your smart ass would like to ask me?
I replied to your comment and I was commenting to others directly, I was not trying at all to be rude or malicious the answer was not directed toward you. The comments above what I wrote was that you were a she and not a he, I went to your profile and found that you were a man so I corrected the statement. Looking at the picture I see a happy couple so again I apologize if I believed that she was your wife. I also referenced the question basing it on that you were asking a general question, not a question relating to your own relationship. I guess after reading everyone's comments you were offended but my answer was not at all directed toward you so you were definitely not the 3rd party, if your feelings were hurt I apologize please relax and have some fun, I honestly knew that something was not directed toward you.
The big laugh was toward them because they thought you were a she, not a he. I took time to read the profile and I also read your hubs before I commented.
Dating someone who is married? I will still say, " Absolutely not." there are to many feelings and people get hurt because someone feels they have to cheat. If a person wishes to be with someone then they should divorce and then have the relationship.
This has to be a trick question....oh I forgot, dating a married person is a trick....Forbidden as in the Garden of Eden, the fruit of a tree, when eaten you die.....to life with Christ....this should be posted in the section...we are all going to hell...because this is where you will end up committing adultery.....end of story...
I date a married woman on a regular basis. I hope her husband doesn't find out; she's my wife.
Bad idae..too much lying goin on all around in this one.
Well, this is a sensitive issue. A union is between two with a commitment to God. I've delayed commenting until now. This isn't confession time. nor am I self righteous. I've been on BOTH sides of this, having been married more than once. It sucks when it's done to you. It sucks for the one who strays, too.
PREVENTION IS THE KEY.
Is anyone immune to this happening? NO. But if it does happen, better be ready to be accountable for actions. Even the most stable unions can be threatened when guards are let down.
Then there's the vulnerability factor. Like what RecoverToday said:
"But oh how many have fallen into it without realizing it! A married woman who's feeling unappreciated, lonely or bored can slip into another relationship just as easy as a married man. It's not always because the one who strays is a bad person (once a cheater always a cheater). Many things can lead a spouse or S/O to stray."
Also, it's true what Marisa Wright wrote:
"I'm not sure it's that easy to be tempted - it's what you DO about it that matters. A married woman who realises she's fallen in love with another man doesn't "slip" into his bed - she has to make a conscious choice. No sympathy."
It boils down to this: we humans are susceptable to anything in the flesh. If it can be prevented, good deal. If it happens, suffer the consequences. Regardless, it's an uncomfortable situation for all involved.
Two people. One with a wife who refused to grow with him, saw him primarily as a source of money, gave nothing back in return, was "too exhausted" to work full time and lay around on a chaise longue while the cleaner he paid for cleaned and tidied the house. The other, fooled by a man, who said he would help her cope with a difficult life. He did, until they married. His main motive had been to get rent-free accommodation. Once that was assured, no more reason to bother about helping, personal hygiene or anything.
Two people finding a communion between themselves they had never experienced with their spouses. Living apart for ten years, because both were trying to do the "right thing" according to society.
Two people, both stung badly by divorce settlements (it's not just women who lie and cheat their way through the courts). Living in a small house, getting by on a modest lifestyle. Lived through an initial two years of hell caused by the circumstances of the last six years. Finally finding a way out together, finally happy after decades of misery.
I would not have it otherwise.
I like ghost statement, but it can get ugly and at the end noone really wins, just a bunch of broken hearts.
Actually, sometimes there are winners. Two people leaving emotionally abusive and exploitative spouses and coming together in love and understanding is a win situation as far as I'm concerned, especially since no under-age children were involved in either case.
Don't do it. I fell in love with someone who was a traveling rep. Never knew he was married. Broke my heart severely to cut a long story short. Was the biggest love in my entire life.
Because of my own sick commitment issues, I use to only date men that were married or in a committed relationship. This kept me safe and from having to commit myself, and I always got the better half of the man while the girlfriend or wife got the cheating asshole, but I've changed my ways b/c I grew a conscious.
Colossally bad plan. Participating in a cruel deception and betrayal, even unknowingly, will rip your soul to shreds.
Jykeith: you may want to look at another thread here pertaining to this same thing. 'Should she tell her..." Sounds similar but different too.
when I am horny I dont care if he is married or not - get over yourselves
It pretty much tells what kind of person you are. Integrity or not.
I never said I had integrity - I said I like to ride when I am horny...what do you do
Shock, what does that mean, nobody here ever does it, is this a convent..
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