Should I be unaffected if my partner looks around and has crushes on other girls

1. 71

   etna5678posted 13 years ago

   Should I be unaffected if my partner looks around and has crushes on other girls?
   
   I know some guys are prone to harmless flirting. Its the "harmlessness" I am concerned about. Would you be okay if your partner expresses admiration and excitement for another? I am confused because I can't write on the topic as I personally feel offended and hurt when and if it happens. And what about consequent friendships with the "objects" of their interest?

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2. 81

   The Suburban Poetposted 13 years ago

   I think you must be dating a young guy... I was that way a bit long ago and I realized that I was wrong. What would your guy do if you acted the same way? There are ways of enjoying other people (male and female) without making your partner feel stupid or embarrassed.
   
   Don't let anyone tell you that you are being jealous or too clingy if your boy friend is being obvious about his "crush." He's an idiot if you ask me.
   
   You should treat your partner with respect and gushing over some other girl in front of you is bad form. Period.

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3. 60

   j.amieposted 13 years ago

   What matters is how YOU feel about it. Some girls are completely OK with it. For those who are okay with it and that works for you, no problem! I am not, however. If your relationship is committed, I don't feel that it is even appropriate for him to hang out with female friends unless she is also your friend and you are mutually and completely comfortable with it. 
   
   Does he know that his behavior hurts you? If he knows that it hurts you and continues to do it anyway, you can rest assured that he does not have your best interests in mind.  I'm certainly not suggesting that you should be dramatic about it because that never helps, but talk about it. If he keeps it up, give him the boot.
   
   It's not worth your peace of mind and worrisome heart. Find someone who adores and respects you that you can trust to make the right decisions for both of you.

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4. 0

   ssaulposted 13 years ago

   personally i dont want my man to do it if he does must be when i am not around to see! i think its disrespectful check out my blog it might help you http://variousapectsoflife.blogspot.com

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5. 60

   fucsiaposted 13 years ago

   Why you feel hurt and offended? Think about it. The  jealousy often (or always?) comes from our own insecurity.

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6. 60

   Amber4posted 13 years ago

   I agree with you Fuscia! By not letting affect us, most men find our acceptance of innocent flirting/conversation attractive. If we act calm and cool about it - they usually will stop doing it on their own without even having to have a confrontation about. Head up girlfriend. Show him what you've got! If he doesn't stop then....well you know what you should do!

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7. 0

   Yarightposted 13 years ago

   No you should not let your emotions build up inside. It can be unhealthy. In my opinion talk to your partner about this if you already haven't tell him that it bothers you how he looks at other girls. Most of his attention should be directly on you (and according to your picture I don't know why it wouldn't be).
   
   But, you can't say that you haven't looked at other guys in the same way. It is normal for a couple to fantasize about other people. Just as long as the relationship stays on good terms.
   
   You have every right to feel offended, but you shouldn't feel ashamed. Seriously, have a casual talk with him about it. No one can be mind readers so talking about it is the first chapter in healing.

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8. 60

   nightwork4posted 13 years ago

   this is a hard question. if your partner is just looking and commenting, it is probably harmless but if they are actually showing a strong interest without caring how you feel then i would say that this person isn't someone you want to stay with. talk to your partner and tell them how you feel. if nothing changes then your probably better off without them.

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9. 60

   Jason Hillposted 13 years ago

   You should feel offended and hurt when that happens. Taking a glance at someone is one thing but to get google eyes or be very flurtatious is another thing. The point of being in a commited relationship is to be commited to that one person. You should talk to your boyfriend and tell him how that makes you feel, if he doen'st appreciate that or respect your feelings then you have an even bigger problem.

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10. 60

    Andi Rposted 13 years ago

    Deep inside every woman they want to be the only one their man wants or needs. If he is not a strong man, and you feel insecure when you are with him, maybe it's time you take a break and find yourself and security apart from him.
    Psalm 18:32-33

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11. 51

    BeckyAposted 13 years ago

    If my boyfriend did this, I would pitch a fit (just not in public).  You have the right to his attention if you are in a committed relationship.  Flirting with someone else is just not acceptable and I wouldn't call hurting your feelings "harmless".
    
    That being said, I don't think it is wrong to see and appreciate beauty.  I sometimes point out beautiful women to my boyfriend.  I notice handsome guys too, but I don't try to get their attention, just notice and move on. 
    
    For all the beauty in the world does not make a relationship.  Trust, kindness, exclusivity and devotion make a relationship.  If your boyfriend can't see that, or won't, then maybe you need to find a boyfriend who does.

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12. 70

    Vicki.Pierceposted 13 years ago

    A wise friend of mine always says, "I don't care where my husband get's his appetite and long as he brings it home".
    
    I am not sure I agree with her, because in my opinion, lusting over another female is just as bad as acting on it.

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13. 61

    ArefinShamsposted 13 years ago

    If it is true ( If you are not misunderstanding him) then there is a doubt that how much he loves you or you are 100% fit for him or not.
    If you love him so much and don't want to leave him for this reason, then you can do a small trick, when he see other girls, you also see other boys! And when he talk to you about that-you say how you feel when he does the same thing!

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14. 41

    yazoogal43posted 13 years ago

    No. You have every right to be concerned because believe me if you start to notice other guys he will sit up and take notice.You are a lovely woman and men notice, you can be sure. Your partner is going to suffer a serious loss when he loses you and he will. It is just a matter of time before you step out on him and do not be ashamed to do so. His affections need a reality check because this man is going to watch you walk out of his life and it will hurt him more than he will ever know The reason you cannot write about this is because it makes cortisol which is the stress hormone flood your body and upset you. I want you to be happy, so do not be afraid to give him an ultimatum. You wont be sorry but he will yazoogal43.

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15. 57

    adair_francescaposted 13 years ago

    I think it's normal that a person or a man would appreciate every person in their own ways but it has to be limited and not the kind of crush that he would even compare a person to you. If you feel awkward or bad about it, you should talk to him nicely and tell what's on your mind.

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16. 61

    Quariteposted 13 years ago

    As a guy, let me just tell this. Well normally guys used to look and admire any girls that they find admirable and attractive though he has a girlfriend or a lover. It's just a sense of admiring and flirting it doesn't mean that the guy is cheating on his girlfriend. Girls nowadays do not understand the meaning of love and flirt. Thats why they get upset if they experience such things with their boyfriend. It's just a normal phenomena after all. So you should know your partner better than anyone. So girls should realize  this and shouldn't get too emotional.

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17. 57

    MoneyCreator24posted 13 years ago

    You are probably not alone with this problem. It is the nature of men. And many men do not fight it. It runs as automatically. It must not touch you as long as it only looks and flirts. Look at it yet so he can work up an appetite, but it is eaten at home. As long as he is well cared for at home, he will not go poaching. Normal way. Moreover, this behavior keeps a man healthy. However, if you have a man who does not meet what he has at home, then change something.
    And remember, everything follows the law of attraction. What you have to do outside, 100% fits your interior. You create what you think.

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18. 60

    micahjoyposted 13 years ago

    The problem lies not in the fact that he notices a pretty face, but in the fact that he "expresses admiration and excitement for another".
    
    Naturally, we can't stop ourselves from noticing an attractive person on the street, but it is entirely inappropriate and unnecessary to "express" this - especially to or around a significant other.  If your boyfriend is flirting with another girl, it is an insult to you because it is a form of disrespect.  The same goes for girls who flirt with other guys to make their boyfriend jealous.  It comes across as a total lack of respect for your significant other.
    
    There is a big difference between commenting on the looks or sex appeal of a famous person or movie star - because they are unattainable and non-threatening.  But if the person is sitting next to you in a bar, or even a friend, then they ARE attainable.  The possibility IS there, if they wanted to make something happen.  And that is uncomfortable for anyone to feel, because in the end, if they like you so much better, why would they waste time commenting on someone else that they find less attractive/interesting than you? And if they think the other person has something that you don't, then whats stopping them from going and getting it?
    
    In the end, people can (and will) look, but there is absolutely no reason they have to open their mouths and comment, or flirt.

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19. 62

    balthasarcontentposted 13 years ago

    Everyone is different, but I'm pretty sure most people will always notice others (gals included!).  There's definitely a difference between admiring the painting and taking it off the wall.  As a polyamorous individual, I have no problem with either.  The question is what YOU need emotionally.  Once you figure that out, you should figure out what your partner needs emotionally too.  Have an open, honest dialogue and try to work out a way that both of you can meet those needs without hurting each other.

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20. 59

    bulaloposted 13 years ago

    Hello.
    
    I got married, not get blind, he, he.
    
    Pretty young things are always good for sore eyes. Having an eyeful is a natural act for men.
    
    But I try my damdest not to sneak a peek when the wifey is around. Every girl or woman has the right to be affected (not necessarily become deadly jealous) and I respect the wifey enough not to ogle.
    
    Although it's different with flirting, even when I'm out of range of the wifey. That's playing dangerously with temptation.
    
    Yep, it boils down to showing respect for your partner, guys. And deciding whether your life shall be ruled by your big head or your little head.
    
    As for the ladies, I'm sorry to say that if you don't respect yourself enough NOT to be affected in any way by a rambunctious boyfriend or husband, nobody will.

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21. 60

    TomC35posted 13 years ago

    Looking is okay, but flirting is where you should draw the line and have a discussion with him.

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22. 58

    Adalieposted 13 years ago

    Why don't you tell him about how you feel. You know maybe if you letting him know, he'll stop. I personally find this offensive and I know is ok to look but depends on how often he looks around at other girls, if he gives them that lusty look than you should end it there, you should be the one getting those looks not the other girls. This is just my personal opinion and sorry if I offended you in anyway.

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23. 61

    jeff3600posted 13 years ago

    it is not wrong to be jealous of a friend who some one is intrested in. but i think the friendship is harmless as long as they can both stay loyal. as for the flirting goes if it is with more than just that friend id say it depends on how heavy the flirting is. i personally flirt with everyone a little but that is just part of what makes me who i am. if its only with girls, or only with certain girls, or certain girls at certain times i would be worried to.

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24. 82

    Wayne Brownposted 13 years ago

    If you are in a serious relationship then I would suggest that you should be very much affected.  Relationships are about a singular focus of the two people making up that relationship.  If your partner elects to go around oogling other women and creating mental fantasies about being with them then it does not look like he (I assume) is willing to invest much of himself in the relationship with you.  It also appears that he feels that he needs to flaunt his eyes for other women to you so as to see how much it either bothers you or how jealous you will become.  Basically, a continual requirement for you to prove how much you care for him so that he will stop looking at other women.  Dump him...you know what they say about egg-sucking dogs...it's true. WB

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25. 61

    GTA-Locksmithposted 13 years ago

    Here's the bottom line: Look, but don't touch. You have to trust the person, but he should also give you good reason to trust him.  If he has a track record of continually flirting with many girls, and you have voiced your hurt to him ... and he continues on, even though he knows how much it hurts you, then he probably isn't the right person for you anyway,

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26. 60

    MrKnowledgeposted 13 years ago

    Not feeling any sort of jealousy for that, would mean that you don't care about what he thinks, but also, being mad enough about it to cause problems in the relationship would be wrong. It would be like saying you never look at anyone else and become attracted to them. You just have to be confident in yourself, and set yourself apart from other people, giving him a reason to not leave.
    
    I have an amazing girlfriend, she's beautiful, and has a personality to top her looks. I still find other girls attractive, and she knows it, cuz we will talk about it. She knows that what we have is much more than just some temporary "lust" that you get when you look at someone, so it never becomes a problem.

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27. 60

    BobbiRantposted 13 years ago

    If you are offended and he knows this, then it is very disrespectful for him to do that.  Do you look at other guys in front of him and does he like it if you do? True  love is considering another's feelings about matters.

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28. 69

    chrisaltamiranoposted 13 years ago

    This goes hand in hand with what @BobbiRant said.
    
    If you don't do it than neither should he, and if you did I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate you doing it. You have to reflect the type of person you want to be in a relationship with. If you are in shape, nice, don't flirt with other guys, then expect the same from your partner. If he doesn't match you and you're concerned enough to put your love life out on the internet for help, then maybe it's time for a chance.
    
    All the best etna5678!

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29. 60

    mandyfposted 13 years ago

    I dont think you should be affected by this in a way that you are not self confident. I feel a guy, husband or boyfriend should be able to say wwhether he thinks another woman is beautiful without having to feel like he is insulting his wife or girlfriend. She should feel confident that even though he still finds other women attractive that he is still coming home to her at night. That SHE is the one he is with and by letting her know what he finds attractive should be a healthy part of a relationship there is a big difference in looking and pursuing. It is natural for men and women to feel attracted to others while in a relationship. It is the action of pursuing and going out of those boundaries that is wrong. I think women should feel confident and if her man is simply looking there should be no reason to feel insecure in how he feels about you

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30. 60

    Writer Chuckposted 13 years ago

    No. Go with your heart. There is a difference between looking at an attractive person and having crushes on other girls. If you think a guy is going to stop getting crushes after you've married him, I have a bridge to sell you. It will only get worse.

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31. 68

    Iontachposted 13 years ago

    Well number one you are gorgeous so I don't know why he has these crushes!
    I think if the person he has the crush on is famous then it's ok, but if the person he has a crush on is a normal person he knows then that is sooooooo wrong!
    
    You have to talk to him about it, but dont get upset when your talking to him (you have to stay powerful). If he doesnt change you could do the same thing to him and just look at other guys, if that doesnt work them maybe you should leave...I know how you feel!

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32. 59

    bari.annposted 13 years ago

    wow, the irony of timing on this one... I think it is human nature to look and sure being jealous means some insecurity but I also think if someone in love should also feel less interested in others and show some respect. If a partner is only a slightly watered down version of themselves while in a relationship, what's the point really?

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33. 71

    etna5678posted 13 years ago

    Thanks everyone for the insightful input. This question is fundamental to many break-ups. I want to write about it, but I am divided myself on the issue. I find it offensive when I imagine it happening to me. Period.
    
    So I decided to take a hubscopic view of the answer to it.
    Personally I believe that although beauty can and should be appreciated, it should stop there... ogling for extended periods, getting excited about them  and taking it ANY further (especially communicating the the excitement to the attractive girl) seems disloyal disrespectful and downright cruel to your partner.
    
    It also indicates that the man may not be interested in a committed relationship or wants to feel that he has other options and is desired by others. Or he may have a truly polygamous nature.
    
    What I have learned here is that people have varying degrees of resentment, disapproval and acceptance of this behavior. Which is expected. Some might like to take it in their stride, others may walk away from such a guy. Another theme in a couple of answers was that of a woman being more desirable if she accepts flirting and doesn't show that it bothers her, even though it does!. I would say that being more attractive is not as important as being satisfied and happy in the relationship. That is just my opinion of course.
    
    Thanks again all of you my fellow hubbers to take the time to think on the topic and answering it.

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34. 59

    Julie2posted 13 years ago

    My husband and I crush over celebrities. We goof about it all the time because we both know these are people that would not give us the time of day, LOL! I am always crushing on gay guys so of course he laughs at me...
    
    If it is a person they can have access to at work or neighbor, then it would bother me. I wouldn't be all that comfortable with it. It is one thing when you do this with people you see on TV but to have the person there, I would just flip out.
    
    I have had a few occassions where my husband and I would go out and women would look at him which did not bother me at all. I would tell them, "He looks good?!" and smile. They would look at me scared as if I were crazy. LOL.
    
    There have been a few that have tried to get touchy and he has been really quick to say something himself if I don't see them so I don't worry.

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35. 69

    crazymom3posted 13 years ago

    I would say absolutely be offended.  As there are many beautiful, sexy people, and others that show a wee-bit too much in those world.  In my view it's human to look once.  It's not okay to keep-on looking , and definitely not okay to have a consequent relationship with the objects.  I believe that in a true comitted relationship you are trully ONE and there is no HE and SHE separate life so if the "objects" of interest are his friends they should also be friends with you and there are no secrets(texting, facebooking etc.)AHH!  been there.  I understand your  hurt and I will say probable anger. Good Luck.

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36. 70

    puddingicecreamposted 12 years ago

    If he's actively looking for other girls to express admiration and excitement toward, I would imagine that you'd feel offended or hurt. However, if it's once in a while and he's just trying to be honest with you, then that's fine because sometimes, you can't control your attraction (same for females). If your relationship is built on trust and respect, he wouldn't even be "harmlessly" flirting. Those consequent friendships should also be a red flag because it might be a sign that he's putting those interests before his relationship rather than drawing boundaries to prevent losing you.

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37. 61

    LoisRyan13903posted 10 years ago

    I think it depends on the person.  Some are okay with it and others are not.  My first boyfriend-relationship lasted about 3 months-was very possessive and jealous.  If a guy said hello to me, he would get mad.  He even told me that I could not be friends with any guys-even if it was just that and nothing more.  So needless to say, I dumped him.
    
    So when it comes to my husband he has a rule that he can look but not touch.  Does it bother me?  No.  We have been married for over 20 years and he has been 100 percent faithful.
    
    Why it doesn't bother me?  Because deep down buried in my subconscious I remembered how my first one treated me.
    
    But with you it could be a trust issue.  Maybe you don't trust him to be faithful and deep down you may be right.

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